I’m seven months pregnant and the father left me when I was four and a half months pregnant. He tells me he’s coming back but when I ask him to be honest with me and give me a straight answer as to when he’s coming back he tells me to shut up and won’t tell me! He says he loves me when I hear from him but he’s not showing it. He left because he said that I was too moody in the beginning of my pregnancy. Do you think he’s coming back or lying to me?
Signed,
Baby on Board
Dear Baby,
I’m going to be brutally honest with you – this is extremely serious. You’re asking the wrong questions. I don’t care if he’s coming back or lying to you. I hope he doesn’t come back, and encourage you to stop all contact with him. He’s emotionally immature and selfish and will make a terrible father. The fact that he’d leave you when you were pregnant for being “moody” tells me all I need to know – what woman isn’t moody when she’s pregnant? It’s the man’s job to attend to the woman and make her feel comfortable, safe and loved at this important time. If he’s not doing that for you now, he won’t do it for the baby, either, and he’ll only ruin both of your self-esteem. You’re describing an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and need to get some counseling immediately. Please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How To Recognize It And How To Respond by Patricia Evans. Most women in abusive relationships do not realize they are, because it’s so insidious and mixed with good times with the abuser. If you’re not in a position to raise this child alone and don’t have sufficient family support, please consider adoption. You sound young and naive, and he sounds like a major jerk. Stop thinking about your love life, and get you and your baby some help now.
Bless you both.
Carol
If your partner isn’t there for you at a difficult time, should you dump him and move on or try and work on it and repair things? Please advise…
Signed,
Hurting But Hopeful
Dear Hurting,
This is a great question, and there’s no perfect answer. We all have to decide for ourselves what we can and cannot compromise on in a relationship. Every relationship has its limitation – something it cannot provide. For example, some friends and loved ones will be there for you when you’re sick, but can’t handle it when you’re broke. Some people are fine when you’re depressed, but disappear when you’re unemployed. No relationship will give you everything you want it to, but it should give you what you absolutely require. I know a couple that is very close – but the man doesn’t “do death.” Meaning, when someone’s dying, he can’t participate at all. The reason? He was in the military and played “Taps” at several hundred funerals for his fellow servicemen during the Vietnam War. So, what happened when his girlfriend’s mother died? He didn’t go to the funeral… When her father died? Same thing. When her sister died? You know the answer. Now, it could be said that he “wasn’t really there for her.” But she’s otherwise very happy with him and understands that funerals are just too painful for him. It has nothing to do with his love for her, and they have a great relationship. So, try to understand your partner’s point of view, and what they can and cannot provide as far as the kind of support you’d like, and then decide for yourself if you can live with the limitation of your relationship or not.
Good luck,
Carol
