I’ve been seeing a man for one and a half years. He told me early in the relationship he could not love me. But he was there for me as a friend and also as a “friend with benefits.” Lately, I really felt like he loved me by the things he did and how he acted. But now he tells me I am “Miss Right Now,” not “Miss Right” and that in order for him to love me I would have to have breast implants, my hair done by someone of his approval, and a tummy tuck. I weigh 117 pounds and am 5’2″ – I am not fat. What is this guy’s problem? We laugh and have so much fun together. Please help!
Signed,
Fed up Friend
Dear Fed Up,
My dear – the only thing I like about this man is his honesty! His “problem” is that he’s terrified of intimacy. His need for physical “perfection” in a partner is a very sad sign – if you have to completely make yourself over in order for him to love you, then he doesn’t really love you, because real love doesn’t work that way. When a man truly loves you, he loves you no matter if you’re having a “good hair day,” sporting a poochy tummy, or not… You can’t fix this sick puppy. Thank him for his friendship. But if you’re ready to be more than “friends with benefits” (which, by the way – never works, ladies! We pretty much always end up wanting more!), let him go to find his Dream Girl, and please go find the man who thinks you’re lovable just the way you are. Because you are. Good luck!
My relationship with this guy is so wonderful that my little fantasy love world came true, but sometimes I just can’t believe this beautiful world. I really try not to make him mad but I sometimes do stupid things to make our love worse. I love him but I really don’t know what is wrong with me! What should I do?
Signed,
Messing up a Good Thing
Dear Messing Up,
Congratulations on finding the “holy grail of love.” How wonderful! As for what you’re doing – it’s called self-sabotage. And it’s very common in relationships. One of the scariest things to happen to a person is to find a soulmate who makes their dreams of love come true. There’s so much potential to get your heart broken. This person has a lot of power in your life. But great things involve great risk. So, get yourself some support (by joining a support group, getting a therapist or relationship coach, etc.), and explore anything in your past you feel guilty or shameful about, do what you need to do to let it go and forgive yourself, and fully receive this wonderful love. You deserve it, even if you don’t think you do!
Good luck!
Carol
