Enlightening Answers: A Younger Man and a Long-Distance Relationship

I began dating a guy 20 years my junior (he’s 31, I’m 51) in February. We’re okay, but he seems to want this relationship on his terms and when I ask him to bend a little to meet my terms he has a fit. So, my basic question is, how do I tell the difference between if he wants me for what I can “buy” him or for me?

Signed,
Mad About The Boy

Dear Mad,

Although he’s 20 years younger than you, he’s not a boy, though his behavior is certainly very immature. For him to have “a fit” when you ask for your needs to be met tells you all you need to know – he’s not relationship material, and I’m guessing he won’t be no matter how old he becomes. He’s selfish and rude and much too old to behave in this way. As for how to tell if he wants you for you, or for what you can “buy” him – stop buying him anything and see if he sticks around. But remember – this “boy” is only good for a “boy toy” and as soon as he’s no longer fun to be with, move on.

I hope you do so soon!
Carol

I have a long-distance relationship that’s been unfolding for the last year. I’m seeing a man who’s in the middle of separating from his wife. He was going to do this last year and then got cold feet. He says he made a mistake by not leaving when he was going to last November. He says he wants me in his life and we’ve even gone so far as to discuss the possibility of me moving to his city. We’re meeting up in a month’s time. I’ve told him already if he hasn’t moved out by then I won’t be sleeping with him. I’m not sure if he’s serious about beginning a relationship with me or just playing because he thinks he can get away with this. He tells me he’s told his wife he’s moving out and that as much as he loves her, he’s not in love with her. He keeps telling me he loves me! Please tell me what you think. If you’re just going to mention that he’s already married, I already know that. Tell me something I don’t know, please!

Signed,
Love in Limbo

Dear Limbo,

Okay, here’s what you may not know: according to Sarah J. Symonds, author of Having An Affair? – A Handbook For The Other Woman, you need to look to a man’s actions, and not believe his words. Symonds interviewed hundreds of cheating husbands and their mistresses and found the same story over and over again – that the men (and often cheating wives, as well) will say anything to, as you say, “get away with this.” If he’s “in the process of separating from his wife” but hasn’t done so in a year, odds are he won’t. Statistics on divorce show that if a man is going to leave his wife for another woman (something they rarely do, by the way) he’ll typically do so in the first three months of the affair, or he never will. Here’s something else you may not know: by being available to him and not dating anyone else while he isn’t free, you’ve lowered your status below his. He has all the power in the relationship and your life is on hold waiting for him. This will actually contribute to him not wanting you enough to do what it would take to be with you. If you want resolution with him, start dating others immediately, and cut off all contact until he can show you a divorce decree. It’s called, “Calling his bluff.” He may love you and be sincere, but right now he gets to have a girlfriend and a wife, and you get to have a whole lot of drama and doubt. Raise your standards, my dear.

Good luck!
Carol