I’m in love with my boyfriend, but earlier in the relationship, I’d caught some emails of him contemplating meeting other women… primarily for sex, which actually is how we got together. He was in another relationship and didn’t break it off until he decided that things had clicked between us. Again, he’s starting up with emails trying to hook up with other women. It hurts me so badly because I treat him (and his kids) so awesome and I would never dream of cheating on him. If I’m the perfect girlfriend for him and he has no complaints about our sex life (and I never deny him), why do men insist on trying to hook up with other women – potentially hurting the person that would give them the world?
Signed,
Monogamous & Miserable
Dear Monogamous,
The topic of monogamy is a tough one – throughout history we know that 80% of human societies have been promiscuous. It’s not our “animal” nature to be monogamous – it’s a choice. The flip side, is that every culture ever discovered has marriage – isn’t that amazing? Every native group, indigenous tribe and nationality ever known – has had marriage! That said, anthropology aside, everyone is different. Some people are naturally “relationship people” and others are more “rolling stones.”
Your guy is a rolling stone – was when you met him, and probably always has been. It’s not that “all men” are this way. In fact, statistically, women are almost as likely to sexually stray – and women under 30 are more likely than men to do so! So, your problem isn’t that you’re with a man. It’s that you’re with a certain kind of man – one who isn’t making the choice of monogamy, and perhaps never will. It has nothing to do with how “well” you’re loving him.
So, quit making it your fault and either take his terms for what they are or let him go to find a man who wants what you want. There are plenty of relationship-oriented men out there who will.
Good luck,
Carol
I’m a happily married woman of seven years. I love my husband dearly and we have a very honest relationship. Two years back, he introduced me to his business partner on a vacation. We became friends and I find myself extremely attracted to him. It doesn’t affect my relationship with my husband at all, but I’m not able to overcome my infatuation for this guy…
Signed,
Loyal But Longing
Dear Loyal,
Wow… doesn’t that suck? You have a big connection with probably the worst person possible, other than your husband’s brother! So here’s the deal – the human heart is an amazing organ. It’s capable of great love for more than one person at a time, which is why you think this isn’t “affecting your relationship.” It’s a big world full of wonderful people. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re not going to feel an attraction or get a crush on others. It’s universal and healthy. But there are certain rules to follow.
Here’s my suggestion: have nothing to do with this man. You’ve chosen your husband and you need to honor that choice (see above). It’s asking too much of yourself to think you can “keep a lid” on these feelings by being around this man a lot, or being friends with him. Only see him in group situations where your husband is present (like the annual company holiday party) and have no other contact. Otherwise, you’re playing with fire and there’s too much at stake to risk it. (Your husband’s heart, your future as a couple, your husband’s business, blah, blah, blah…) You’re fortunate to be married to a man you love dearly. Trust the woman you were that made that commitment and hold on tightly to what you’ve got.
Sincerely,
Carol
