Most of us have had the experience of falling in love with someone. All the familiar signs are there. Our hearts jump when we see the person. We count the hours until we are with them again. Everything we’ve ever dreamed of seems to be contained in this individual. We’ve never been happier!
Most of us, as well, have had the experience of having our hearts broken. The person we believed to be the one for us turns out to be not who we thought. We’ve been cheated on, lied to and disappointed over and over again. We’ve never been so depressed and heartbroken in our lives. The problem is, though, that even though our ideal lover reveals himself to be seriously flawed, we are still in love. We are still caught up in feeling love for a person who is not good for us.
I would like to tell you this – there is a way to fall out of love. There is a way to extricate yourself from this intense emotional pain that you feel all day, every day. You don’t have to continue with your feelings of depression over this broken relationship, because you have the power within yourself for change. It takes time, but there is a way.
Years ago, I noticed that in real estate the most successful salespeople were very positive individuals. They firmly believed that what they said was true at that point in time, or would occur very shortly. If someone said “How are you today?” to them, they would say “Fantastic” or “Everything’s great!” If things weren’t great at that moment, they had firm expectations that they would be soon. On the other hand, if you asked a not-very-productive agent how he was, on any day, the answer tended to be something like “Well, I’m okay, I guess.” It wasn’t that giving positive responses made the agent successful; I eventually saw that it was what the agent first told himself that dictated the results that he eventually had.
It’s what we tell ourselves that produces the emotions that we feel. If we tell ourselves that we’re being taken advantage of by another, we typically feel anger. If we tell ourselves that we’re very attractive with our new hairdo, we feel desirable. And it is what we say to ourselves about our broken hearts and our ex (or soon to be ex) lovers that will govern how we feel, and how we act upon those feelings.
I had a friend who firmly believed in this. She put it into action in her work. What she thought she expected to materialize. When she fell in love with a man who proved to be a cheat, a liar and a womanizer, she used these methods to fall out of love. When she thought of all the wonderful times they had had together, she immediately mentally switched gears, she said, and began thinking about all the disappointments she had experienced with him. In working to build a realistic picture of him in her mind, she ran through all of the times he had been late or had stood her up (with many excuses later). When thoughts of how handsome he was ran through her head, she immediately replaced these with thoughts of how he constantly lied to her over not only large but small matters. She continued thinking about the way he would criticize her and compare her to others. To reinforce her desire to replace positive thoughts of him with negatives, she said she even drew horns and a moustache on a picture she had kept of him! (She later just threw it away.)
My friend said it was such a relief to replace this love that had been so betrayed with a simple feeling of dislike. She saw him once later in a public place and said she almost started laughing, thinking of him with horns and a moustache!
Truly, what we first think determines what we feel. We fall into love by telling ourselves what a wonderful (handsome, caring, truthful, etc.) person the other party is. Our emotions occur after our thoughts. We can, with time, talk ourselves out of love in a bad relationship. Falling out of love may not be as much fun as falling in love, but using this method, I believe, can free the individual so that they may once more seek a rewarding relationship.
I urge anyone who seems to be spinning their wheels in getting over the past to try this. Replace those good thoughts of what you believed you once had with real thoughts of how you were actually treated in this relationship. Even if he had a dozen great qualities, those qualities he had of cheating, lying and deceiving effectively cancel out the rest. Repeating over and over to yourself the destructive habits your lover had can very effectively erase that rosy picture you have habitually carried around in your mind. And eventually, this method will leave you open to meeting someone who you won’t have to erase from your life!
6 thoughts on “Falling Out of Love”
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Hi Tansy,
Love your article, full of thoughtful information, one thing that I have found to be very helpful in moving on is going into the gratitude of that, that you wish to release, let go of, phrases such as, I’m so grateful for my new life, that the experiences I have gone through are done and over with, I’m so glad I am done Yeah!!!, I have never been so happy thank you for the experience and the lessons in which I have learned now I can move on, thank you!
Blessings and Big Hugs!
Jacqueline x9472
Hello Tansy,
I think you’ve given great practical advice in terms of how someone can carve a way out of an emotional entanglement. I love the way you used the example of a great salesperson. Thank you for your insight and kindness.
“There are four questions of value in life… What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” – Don Juan deMarco, A legendary and fictional character first created and used in the works of 17th century playwright Tirso de Molina.
“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to Love when it comes back to its home”
Falling into or out of something like Love is almost unreal and a byproduct of our lifestyle, misconceptions, misplaced values, culture and unbridled dispositions. We not only fail to understand, recognize and value it we also mistake other things for it and label it love. Love of God, Love of a mother, a father, between siblings, carnal mates, soul mates and friends is spiritually of the same quality and essence. Between a man and a woman it takes on several other powerful dimensions that are captured in the beauty, dynamics and eternity of such bonds as that of soul mates. There is no gender disparity and inequality in it. Love is something that brings a man and a woman together in eternity. If it’s true, it’s in the truth, it is eternal or else it isn’t Love. Any mathematician, scientist or logician will tell you what truth means. Men are blessed with 5 senses, faith, will, intelligence, spirit, mind, civility, self awareness, consciousness, knowledge of the sciences, religion to tame, to self discipline and regulate their lives, habits and experiences. These are all gifts available at his disposal to get him through his human condition in contact with the lower energies of the material mode, its five elements, lower emotions and the effects of things such as Lust, Anger, Greed and myriad combinations of other negative emotions. In my experience such things like Love are established as a Truth within eternity. It’s a universal constant, never changing. People often feel overwhelmed and taken by this strong new experience and emotion that masters them. It’s unlike and far removed from anything they’ll ever experience among the falsities, hypocrisies and dualities of this world. It depends on the values, both theirs and their partners that form the basis of such a relationship. If it is superficial it stays the same. If it is emotional, spiritual, intellectual, real and based on truly deserving values and sincere efforts, it stays strong. At the same time in a mix of feelings, passions, ignorance, false expectations both good and bad, excuses, lust for deceiving, fleeting pleasures, greed for all things material and easy short cut solutions coupled with an escapist attitude, it becomes easy to blame and walk away even from trying to start Loving unconditionally. It is said,
“Love another as you Love yourself”
“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” Luke 6:27
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” Mathew 18:35
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
Examine these words, they will never change, this is Love. It’s not open to interpretation, if it goes into your heart it was meant to be yours. Explanations can never bridge the gap that was meant for Love to fill. It’s like a bitter sweet pill no one is willing to swallow but they hope to be cured and saved by it at the same time. You can’t fall into it or out of it. It’s heaven, it isn’t a pit. You have to work hard with all your heart, all your soul, spirit, 5 senses and human faculties in all sincerity to make that spiritual climb up the stairs. Love is what will feed and strengthen you on your journey. If someone has deceived, cheated, lied to or hurt you, or if you have slandered, abused, hurt or unjustly accused and oppressed another, learn to forgive with all your heart. This is what it takes to Love with all your heart. Do not carry the blame games, easy resolutions, nullifying accusations and bitter memories. They’ll wrap around your soul and tie it down in chains like baggage from the past, embedded in your hearts and stained in your thoughts and minds. Instead understand the other person, your reactions and responses, understand that hate is a bait, a trap, don’t get hooked onto its viscous and debilitating cycles, develop tolerance, compassion, forgive, and Love freely, unconditionally without expectations even the worst of your enemies in relationships, business, life and more. Your ability to Love is a God given gift, a talent that means the river of Love will flow freely from its source into your hearts. So soften your hearts and cleave it open and embracing of love. Don’t block and dam it up, let it flow freely be generous with your love. Confronted with your enemies, oppressors and abusers give them in return ten times the Love for every single moment of hate you felt coming from them. God will Love and replenish your heart. So heal them as the source of Love heals you. Cure and heal them with Love just as you were healed by it. Don’t worry or hesitate, it’s like a never ending eternal river. This is Love; it will free you from all your sins, negative reactions, responses, ill feelings, hate, malice, resentments and take away your inequities. As humans the higher spiritual self of every man, woman and child is very close to that of God. We are born innocent, our sins, mistakes and poor choices may deny us, derail us and lead us and our souls astray. But for at least a moment in your heart if you Love like this, you’ll realize and appreciate how much you’ve been loved. It was always there for the taking, calling out to you, your hearts were too hard for it to penetrate. Make a little time for yourselves in silence and solitude, and I assure you that you will discover this free gift to be more beautiful, profound and meaningful than any magic or miracle you’ll ever know.
Love, Light, Blessings and Peace to You All.
– Jai Krishna Ponnappan 🙂
Thank you Jai so your saying its Power of the heart overrides Power of the mind every time. Thank you for your wise words.
Wow now this should be the article 🙂
Hi Tansy,
Bravo !!!! Fantastic article !!!!!
……..the power of the mind truly is an awesome thing. The Psychiatrists that I read for have taught me over the years that the mind has the power to rule over things emotional and , in some cases, physical. Mind over matter if you will.
I have always believed in the saying ” fake it until you feell it”. Soon…..it becomes a positive thought process and a learned NEW behavior pattern. AND, you will find yourself attracting the right people into your life as well…..not the wrong types of people.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500