Get What You Want in Bed

If you think it’s impossible to have the sex life you want, think again. With a little extra effort, fun and imagination, you and your partner can deepen your sexual connection. Find our five easy ways to get what you want in the bedroom – and make your partner happy, too.

Imagine
We’ve all done it… said a partner sucks in bed. Sure, it’s tempting to decide that the other person should change so you can have better sex, but that approach just doesn’t work. Partners aren’t machines that dispense sex on demand. If you really want change, you’ve got to start with yourself. No matter what you want (money, a new job or better sex), your imagination helps draw what you desire into your life. Your first order of business, then, is to think long and hard about what you find sexually fulfilling. Let yourself fantasize. Part of the pleasure, of course, is exploring new sexual realms with your partner, so enjoy thinking of the possibilities while staying open to ones you haven’t considered yet.

Compare notes
The subject of sex leaves many feeling tongue-tied, but if your sex life is stalled, you’ll have to talk about it. Tell your partner you’d like to discuss “how you can both enjoy sex even more.” This kind of sharing can be essential for growing a healthy relationship. To help the conversation along, each of you might come to the discussion with two lists: 1) sexual activities that turn you on, and 2) those that definitely turn you off. You might also make a third list of sexual acts you feel neutral about. After you’ve both made your lists, compare them. Now, get busy making your fantasies a reality.

Expose yourself
“To change your sexual relationship, you need to make yourself vulnerable,” says Marjerie McMahon, who successfully completed therapy with her partner to change their unsatisfying sex life. “You’ve got to share your needs, wants and fears. Going through counseling, I learned that you have every right to ask your partner, loud and clear, to step up and do the same.” Chances are, you and your partner will have some sexual common ground to build on. Focus on the similarities instead of the differences, and let your partner inspire you. They may be full of very pleasant surprises! Pick one or two sexy things to try together each week.

Stay tuned
One way or another, many people “check out” from their bodies. “People disconnect to numb out pain, feeling tired or anxious – but doing that also numbs you out to other feelings, like being turned on,” McMahon notes. Fortunately, there are many ways to get in touch with your body and experience more sexual feelings. Here are a few ideas to try:

Dance together: Sexy dances like salsa or tango are great ways to get in the mood. Go out to a club or stay in your own living room. If your partner doesn’t like to dance, do it by yourself.

Dress up for date night: Plan a fun evening together and agree to make an effort to look your best. Groom yourself slowly and carefully, paying attention to every part of your body.

Exercise: Yes, it’s good for your health, but it’s also great for increasing body awareness. As you exercise, notice the movements of your muscles and joints, the flow of your blood and the movement of your breath.

Try something new
Adding a new element into your sexual repertoire can add a jolt to your sex life. The list of possibilities is almost endless, but why not try browsing an online sex toy store, such as Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland with your partner? Exchange massages or rent and watch sexy movies together (they don’t have to be X-rated to turn you both on). What about reserving a hot tub for an hour or two and let the warm water inspire you?

Just remember, striving for a better sex life can be a fantastic adventure. Like with any adventure, remember, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey!