Hot and Cold Affair

Naomi’s Question:

I have been in an on-and-off-again sexual
relationship with a man for 5 years. It broke up both our marriages. Recently, he was trying to get me to see him again while I know he has a girlfriend who he isn’t attracted to but who watches his kids. Then a few days later he said he was in love with her and how wonderful she is. He used to be my boss, and everyone who knows us both tells me that he loves me, but he can’t admit it yet. I am in love with him and he knows it. Is he ever going to figure out how he feels about me?

Psychic Liam responds:

Naomi, this is a very a complicated situation on many levels. No matter what we’d rather think about ourselves, human beings are essentially opportunists. Like most men, when presented with the opportunity to sleep with two women, your fellow has jumped at the chance. I think you are very mistaken when you say he isn’t attracted to the woman who watches his children. He certainly is attracted, and I suspect they have a lot of sex. Thing is, he also really enjoyed the sex with you, so now he wants to have you both. He’s fumbling around, juggling and hoping somehow in all this confusion he can be in your embrace while bedding her too. Pleading emotional confusion to both of you buys him time while he smiles and sings and dances in the rain. As for his marriage, the affair with you in no way broke that up. It was broken long before you came on the scene, so don’t fill your head with the silly idea that he left his wife for you. Your marriage was already in trouble as well, but you helped it along with notions that you’d bag this man for yourself.

I sense the new girl is employing a very powerful tactic in this Theater of Desire. She watches his children, she combines the youthful babysitter vibration with the more sexually overt Mother archetype, and she’s good at it. It doesn’t matter if a woman is 88. If she starts watching a man’s kids, hanging out on his couch in sweats watching MTV and sneaking a cigarette outside with him, he’ll be her bumbling boy-slave in a few weeks.

Men aren’t hard to figure out. Fantasy and fetish rule the show. The new girl also knows where his vulnerabilities lie. I sense that he feels guilty over leaving his marriage, and the children are a powerful symbol of that marriage. When she takes care of his children, it’s a balm in the wounds of his own regret. What better way to prove love for a man than to nurture his offspring, especially when they aren’t your own? Even if she just comes over and watches them a few hours a week, it sends a potent message.

So, what have you been doing while all this goes on? You love him and sense he loves you. I feel you’re relying on this fact alone and not doing much else. You figure if he loves you, he’ll come to you. No need to do anything. But that’s a dangerous assumption. You’re playing a comparison game here, whether you like it or not. A man can love more than one woman, be in love with more than one woman, just as a woman can be in love with more than one man. It’s actually quite common and normal. But who a person actually ends up with in a long-term partnership depends a great deal on matters of practicality and material and sexual fulfillment.

You can’t rest on your laurels in this game. You have to figure out what you have to offer and bring it to the table, full force. Are you doing well financially? Have you shown yourself to be a good potential parent to his children? What, sexually, do you bring to the equation? Figure all of this out, and then develop a game plan. You might duplicate a lot of what she’s doing right now, but it will capture his attention so you can start probing their relationship for weaknesses. Go ahead and just sleep with him for now. Take him in sexually and go from there. Don’t pry into his relationship with the other girl. Don’t ask him any questions about her at all. If you seduce him well enough, he’ll volunteer everything you need to know, and then you can prey on her weak spots.

I want to point out, however, that it’s too bad you have to go to all this effort. Is he really worth it? He may be to her, and that’s her choice. But in nature, it’s the male’s job to impress the female, not the other way around. There’s nothing wrong with you strategizing and plotting to encourage the man you desire, but is he doing anything to impress you? Is he fluffing his feathers, buying you gifts, writing you poetry? Nope. Consider all that I’ve said, and make your choice.

Liam