How Much Sex is Enough?

Do we really want more sex? We may think we do, but when real life comes crashing in – sleep deprivation, work stress, and that uber-libido challenge of children in the next room – dreams of sweaty nights between the sheets, sadly, turn into to just that… dreams.

For those of us who are between lovers, the anxiety can become downright torturous, looking for a partner high and low and asking yourself, when’s the next time you’ll have sex and how will it be?How much and who with is the eternal question. We debate it endlessly in our entertainment shows – Samantha versus Charlotte, Edie versus Bree and McDreamy versus McSteamy – do you need love to have great sex or can sex just be for sex sake?

Let’s look at four common attitudes about sex to see where you fall in this titillating debate!

1. Never say never…
This attitude is great when you are on vacation. If you make a connection that leads to a late night rendezvous, score! The emotional boundaries are already clearly defined. You are there for a certain amount of time and so, why not? This is also a great attitude to have when you know you are not available for an emotional connection – like after a divorce or big major breakup. But, this is also a risky choice because even if that’s your attitude, it doesn’t mean it’s your bedmate’s attitude. If you say, sex, sex, sex and nothing more and your prospective lover smiles, then go for it because you never know when your luck will come around again!

2. Only if I’m in love!
This attitude is great for romantic comedies. It creates a lot of tension as the “true love” emerges from the field of candidates. In real life, cupid isn’t quite as easy to discern. Sometimes it feels like love but it’s just an affair. Sometimes, being discriminating just means you come off as an uninterested snob. Sometimes the good guys or girls finish last. The other baffling hand that nature deals is that people who are sexually active attract more people to them! Ever started a relationship only to have other potential lovers tripping over themselves to get your number? The law of motion states that bodies in motion tend to stay in motion and when it comes to sex, this law abides. So, wait for the true love if you have to, but maybe just plain “getting some” (just be safe!) might make your wait a lot shorter and a lot more fun!

3. It has to be perfect every time
Once you are done worrying about picking the right person, the next wave of insecurity hits – are you having sex “enough” with your new partner? Is it the right kind of sex? Are you connecting? It’s really a pity because you’re already in a great place – new partner, which is a huge libido boost right there – and now your mind is pulling it all apart. First, no matter how much you feel for this new person, the sex is going to be different every time. Yes, emotionally connecting in the bedroom is great. And when you’re in love, chances are, that’s what will happen fairly often, but don’t spend any energy dissecting every time you get together – that’s not sexy at all!

4. Once is not enough
The other side of this says, if you’re game and they’re game, you should do it day and night. Hold back nothing and let your sex drive steer the car. This is a great attitude… for a honeymoon! Especially if you have tapered down or stopped sex all together during the engagement. But most relationships can’t sustain this over a long time simply because it takes a lot of leisure time to keep it hot 24/7. There’s also a strange turn that happens when sex becomes the only activity that you share. Even if you have a lot in common before turning up the heat continuously, if the things outside the bedroom aren’t deepening, the sex can take the relationship hostage. It’s only a matter of time before the demands are too much for not just the partners, but also the relationship itself to withstand.

So, what’s the right way to think about sex? Well, how about all of the above?

Sexuality, even though we want to put it in a certain category, is actually a fluid living part of every person – both physically and spiritually. Sometimes it’s all about two bodies and sometimes it’s all about soul. There’s a place for the hook-up and there’s a time for the emotional connection. The key is to enjoy it when you have it but above all else, know what attitude you are taking right now so you don’t end up the lovesick half of a casual hook-up or the cold-hearted snake walking away from a loving willing partner. If you can find your bird-of-a-feather in this area, you are surely to have happy days and very sexy nights! Oh, and lots of happy endings.