It’s Just a Fling!

They’re not for everyone, but hey – they happen! A one-night stand can simply be part of being spontaneous in life and following your soul’s free-spirited prompts (or hormones!). It might start in a dark club as the band plays on, in a super-charged spinning class or at an intimate dinner with close friends. The point is, as consenting adults where no one gets hurt, what’s the big deal, right? Just remember, it’s not what happens to you – it’s how you feel about it later.

We hope you enjoy our guilt-free guide to one of life’s unexpected pleasures.

In My 20s…
I never really gave much thought to one-night stands until I went to my first frat party in college and had a bit too much of the jungle juice (a fine concoction of every alcohol and mixer on hand) and woke up the next morning in a dormitory next to a Nicaraguan organic chemistry major. I probably should have given it some prior thought. I definitely didn’t feel bad about it – it was too funny a story! The drunken throes of passion are not a realistic assessment of how you inevitably feel about someone, and in this case I made a pact with myself that it was okay to have fun so long as it’s safe. I didn’t want to make this a way of life, but I didn’t want to beat myself up about occasional lapses in judgment. Timing really is everything – sometimes people are perfect in a moment but that doesn’t necessarily translate into real life. Sometimes sex is just sex and it’s important not to assume that everyone holds your ideals or standards – if you’re looking for a relationship… don’t just jump into the sack.

In my 30s…
Like everything in life, we’re all very different people with different capabilities and weaknesses. One thing I’ve learned about myself (and sometimes the hard way) is that I’m just not wired for a one-night stand. To be honest with you, I’ve never had a one-night stand. I have had two or three-night stands that I didn’t expect to see end there, but life is full of unexpected things. Looking back, the universe was probably doing me a huge favor and sending something more worthwhile my way. I will say that being single in my 30s, my appetite has increased ten fold (what they say about women in their 30s is totally true) and so it is hard to always wait for the fine dining experience when fast food is staring you in the face. I am looking for a long-term relationship, even marriage, but I don’t want to spend all my expendable cash on batteries! And though at times, it’s been hard to reconcile my different adventures, I will say, I always take something worthwhile away from it if only to keep my friends rolling in laughter with my ill-fated love stories! I tend to take intimacy pretty seriously and I am a super sensitive soul. At times this is a huge gift but at other times, it makes the “fun for just plain fun” difficult. Also, I think I just know that the most amazing sex comes when you are close to someone and have spent lots of time practicing…hee hee. Ultimately, it’s about communicating and knowing what you want or are able to handle emotionally and what someone is willing to give you. There is no right or wrong in my opinion, no social norm, just what is right for you. Now someone give me a steak!

In my 40s…
Well, I must admit the majority of my one-night stands (and, honestly I lost count) were in my early 20s and 30s. I haven’t really had any in my 40s (since I’ve been blissfully married). Do I regret any of them? Not at all! They were fun – with guys who raced motorcycles, law students (who went on to write New York Times best-selling books), musicians, film producers, chefs, bond traders… Hey, I lived in a city where a lot was going on – and I learned something from all of them. Hopefully no one got hurt and if I did, it was my own doing. My advice on handling “a fling” is to not sleep with anyone you wouldn’t have over for dinner (with your friends) the next night. Also, don’t call them, let them call you (and yes, I’m a feminist!). Always practice safe sex and remember, sometimes it’s best if you don’t “talk about it.” Hey, sex can be just sex. Simply because you sleep with someone (even more than once), it doesn’t mean there is anything more. If you respect yourself, the other person will respect you 99% of the time. The other 1%? Hey, it’s their loss and there’s nothing wrong with ignoring them the next time you run into them. If you find that you are unable to do any of the above, then maybe one-night stands aren’t for you. Just try and learn from everything you do and be a better judge of character next time. And will you sleep with the one on your first meeting? Probably not, because so many other things besides sex will occupy your emotions. Then again, maybe you will.

In my 50s…
I married my high school sweetheart and had never had a one-night stand until after I left him. I was 40 and the wild streak in me that had never had a chance to experiment between the sheets when I was young, came on like gangbusters before the signatures on the divorce papers ever had a chance to dry. I had my own set of boundaries, rules and a safety net, so that my well-being and my health were never in jeopardy. I can remember going home with a drummer in a band I had gone to watch. I stared him down as he played and he jumped off the stage after the show and took me for a walk outside on the beach. He was younger than I… funny and sweet. We had a memorable, no strings-attached all-night romp together. He asked for my number, but the night had been perfect just as it was. Months later I sent my date for a black tie evening home alone, opting to spend the night in the pool house of my friend’s home with a lovely man who had seduced me with his Aussie accent, his wonderful mop of curly hair and dark blue eyes, who had been following me around all evening – date and all. He sent me postcards from his hometown, but again, for me, it was what it was – a night of no promises and lots of grown up fun. Now that I’m hitched again, these memories and more are just part of a past un-regrettably and fully-lived. Plus, I have some wonderful stories to share when I’m sitting around with the girls with blue hair in my 80s.