Lip Service Only

Linton writes:

Dear Liam,

I am a person who loves sex. Recently I broke up with my “girlfriend.” It was due to me being sick of having to beg her to just give oral sex. It just made me very angry at how other couples enjoy sex so often, while I had to suffer with this girl and just accept not getting oral sex. Am I really so unlucky?

Not too long ago, I read an article about ego which enlightened me greatly. I realized that the reasons I have sex is to boost my own ego, which is wrong as one should learn to drop his/her ego. However, I am torn between the ego and the love for sex. What should I do?

Liam Responds:

Greetings, Linton. I suggest with much gravity that you re-evaluate your concept of ego as it relates to sexuality. Indeed, your entire concept of the term needs to be explored with more depth. It sounds as if you are making the very “New Age” mistake of equating the Tantric/Yogic concept of “ego” with the socially ingrained paradigm of evil and power.

It’s a common mistake, since modern culture equates the term ego with negativity in general. It hasn’t been hard for modern spiritual leaders to hijack the term, loading it up with all sorts of notions of right and wrong, ad nausea, as people naturally attribute negative social behaviors to a mental construct, which is our ego. Are you selfish? Must be your ego. Greedy? Ego again. Sexual? Most certainly your ego. Which must mean all the good stuff isn’t ego, but your true angelic self! This is nonsense.

“Ego” encompasses the whole of a person’s conscious persona. It’s a social term, a hodgepodge of morals, values, traditions, beliefs and prejudices ingrained into the self from a very early age. Ironically, it is pretty much everything you deem holy and good about yourself that constitutes ego. Ego is often at odds with the natural self, the chaos-being of the subconscious which works on a nonlinear and symbolic level.

The ancient Tantrics and Yogis attempted to disintegrate the ego, an act that freed them from the shackles of the socially imposed false self; liberating their true natures. It was seen as an act in accordance with nature, a movement to acceptance and unification, away from denial and abstinence. Much of what was said about ego was established by the ancient Tantrics long before these newer schools of thought were established. To the Tantrika of the Vama Marga path, ritual sex is the surest way (besides death) to melt the conscious and linear ego construct and meld into the cosmic subconscious. The breaking of sexual and social taboo plays a major part in eliminating the socially ingrained ego. To deny your true nature, your sexual nature, that eruption of subconscious desire and need and expression, is in fact an act of genuine ego. To follow your true nature, your sexual self, is to eradicate and erode the fabric of ego itself.

The situation you present, that age-old clash between one’s true nature and what one perceives as right and wrong, is illustrated very well in the Bhagavad Gita. Krishna does a bang-up job of explaining the need for people to fulfill their natural roles in life, whatever that role may be. You love sex, by your own admission. Your true nature, your role in life, is as a lover of the sensual. Sensual delight can be a useful tool toward liberation from ego. Wine, song, flesh, desire… these are the fruits of your most secret and abstract existence that some might call a “Self.” Nature is what nature is, and there is nothing more spiritual than the majesty of Her kiss.

So if issues of persona, true self and ego and such are of interest to you, I suggest you take up Tantric Yoga. Traditional Tantric teachers aren’t very common, but there are a few very esteemed ones out there offering distance learning programs via the web. If you wish to know about Ego concepts and how they pertain to sex, look into the Tantric school of Varma Marg. Also, look to the modern schools of Chaos Magick for more information regarding the Self as an illusion.

To expand yourself in studies such as these is a fine thing, but your entire foray into spiritual relationships is a source of great concern to me. Sexual rejection is always a very sore subject. Rejection of the sex act often gives the very ugly impression of rejection of the person themselves. All that you are, your genetics, your passion, your being, were slain on the altar of this lady’s whims. She played rich games with you, had delicious sport at your expense, and gave you some pittance, but withheld the coup de grâce. Now, I always say it’s lady’s choice, because that is nature’s way. As the man, you must find ways to lessen her resolve with your wiles, your talents, your arts and your cunning. The reward is unmistakable pleasure, the joy of conquest.

I sense that your girlfriend wished for you to rush her, to play for her, to capture her, because in her nature she is a submissive girl. You failed in this conquest, and the sting of the lady’s rejection sent you seeking a balm for all your internal wounds. You found cooling salve in a new brand of spirituality, as is often the case when victims of nature’s cruel stings attempt solace. My advice to you is to dispense with this newfound frivolity and go back to the girl. Tell her that you, too, have decided to abstain from sex for your own “spiritual” considerations. Let her see you as a sexual challenge for a change. In a few months, she’ll be crawling all over you, begging for you to crawl all over her. Take the victory she gives you. I see the two of you working out a good relationship over time. You’re more sexually compatible than you think. And more alike than you know.

Ciao,

Liam

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