Loving Unavailable People

Oh, why do we love those that can’t love us back? It’s the agony of romantic comedies, tragedies and endless journal entries. If you are stuck in the sad pattern of falling into relationships that leave you without love, you may be loving unavailable people.

Remember, it takes two to be in a bad relationship. That’s why it’s important to look at your choices so that you can get out of the untouchable tango and into a healthy (equal!) partnership. Here’s how to find out if you love unavailable people and, if so, see how to move on!

If they’re committed – they’re unavailable!
Sounds so obvious, doesn’t it? Then you hit it off at a party and talk all night long and smile and flirt and just before you lean in for a kiss, the cell phone rings. It’s the roommate – the lover and best friend who lives in their shared apartment. But, don’t worry… they’re going to break up any day now. Which you tell yourself repeatedly when you come by for an afternoon quickie that has to be done by 4:30 pm because that’s when the “roommate” comes home from making the world a better place. Don’t bargain with this in your head. It’s a landmine. Don’t just be friends. It’s a landmine. If you are sincerely attracted to someone in a committed relationship, you are attracted to pain. Walk away. Because even if your fantasy of breaking them up comes true, watch your back. For the next time they cheat on the “lover-best-friend-they-are-living-with,” it will be you!

Don’t lie – to yourself!
If you would rather lie to yourself than confront the person you’re sleeping with, you are loving an unavailable person. They said they would call Sunday night. Instead, when you call on Tuesday they explain how busy it’s been with work and life. If you would rather justify this in your head with, well, we don’t have to see each other all the time – or some other lame explanation for the fact that you were so low on the priorities that everything else comes first – then you are chasing someone who doesn’t care about you. Your hesitation to simply say, “I was hurt when you didn’t call me” is because you would rather make up excuses than face the fact that this relationship isn’t what you want it to be. If you believe that this relationship will dissolve if you communicate how you really feel, then it’s not really a relationship, is it?

Once is enough
If you have never loved someone who has loved you back, you are going to love an unavailable person. We learn to love those that can’t show up for us from our primary love relationships – for most of use, that is our parents. It may not be as simple as whether or not your parents were married or divorced – but rather, did they engage with you in a consistent and loving manner? Were they willing to put your needs first when it counted? Did you feel safe to express how you feel and that what you said mattered? If you weren’t loved in a healthy way, you will seek the same dynamic in your romantic relationships. The good news is, you only have to love an unavailable person once in your life. Then you have a choice to do it the same way and feel the same way – or to try it another way and see what love has for you!

Love yourself
It’s important to realize that you need to love yourself more than you love the unavailable person. When you love someone who can’t show up for you, you are participating in the dance of unfulfilling love. You are judging yourself unworthy of a deeper consciousness. You are putting yourself below someone who can’t even really see you.

Love yourself first. Treat yourself like royalty. Indulge yourself with self-care and cultivate friendships with healthy loving people. You will find your way to attracting someone who can love you as much as you love yourself. We teach others how to treat us. If you are showing up for yourself, you won’t be able to tolerate someone who doesn’t show up for you.