Making up should be one of the best parts about a disagreement, but if the relationship is on shaky ground, perhaps a break up is more in order. While it would be great if someone could tell you what to do, this is a decision that only you can make, based on your current feelings, previous experiences, and an open discussion with your partner.
Face the Facts
The decision to make up or break up should never be made in a pinch. When emotions run hot, our ability to make a rational decision is often impaired. After you have had some time to cool down, here are a few questions you’ll need to answer for yourself.
Do I Love My Partner?
There is probably some love there, but what this question is really asking is do you still want to be with them?
Am I unfulfilled in this relationship, or just in a rut?
Ask yourself if there are any real deal breakers being bent (are your feelings justified), or if you are just being too picky. 41 percent of couples will end a relationship just because it’s in a rut.
Does My Partner Make Me Happy 80 Percent of the Time?
Research shows we can be completely happy with 80 percent of our needs met. Maybe it’s time to let a few of those issues go.
What has my partner done to bring me to this point? Can I forgive them (these may include the big four: abuse, cheating, addiction, and lying)?
If your partner has broken your trust, do they appear sorry, and can you honestly forgive them?
While you may feel that this decision rests heavily on your own shoulders, the next step of this process is to confront your partner and see where they stand. There are only a couple times when a decision to leave a relationship should be made without first discussing it with your partner. Two of the biggest reasons are if there is abuse or serious addiction.
How to Approach Your Partner
When approaching a partner with a decision to either move forward together or separate, pick a time when both of you have a window of several hours to talk without interruption. These are the key questions you’ll need to both answer.
1. What is our view of a future together?
Open the channels of communication by explaining how you see your partnership playing out in the future. Nearly 50 percent of non-married relationships end due to conflicting viewpoints.
2. What are the biggest problems in the relationship?
Open the discussion to issues on both sides. Relationship difficulties are rarely one sided. Your partner’s reaction to their problems with the relationship could very well be the cause of yours.
3. Can things be fixed? Do we want to fix them?
This is the opportunity to see how your partner deals with a problematic situation. Partners who run the other way at the first sign of trouble often do the same when married.
4. What are we willing to do to make things better?
Here’s where compromise kicks in. Open your minds and hearts, and work to determine the best way to improve things. Through rebuilding, many couples can become stronger than ever.
Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What You Should Do Today
If you are putting off an inevitable breakup due to fear of pain and the unknown, research suggests the initial bark of a breakup is much worse than its actual bite. According to a study from the Northwestern University in Illinois, lovers most always predict a breakup will be more painful and long lasting than they actually are. In fact, many researchers say most people have built in coping mechanisms to get through a breakup that they might not even know about. Such mechanisms often include talking to loved ones and friends and focusing on the positive aspects of life.
If you’re putting off an inevitable makeup due to stubbornness, what are you waiting for…? Let the reconciliation begin!
6 thoughts on “Make Up or Break Up?”
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I’ve been looking into relationships for a good many years and I can tell you from experience, many good folks hang on to bad relationships. One of the most common reasons for this is that the person believes that he / she will never find another love and that there is no way to be happy without one.
The belief that there is only one right person for you in all the world is a myth. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and many popular date movies would have you believe that you must salvage your current situation or be forever doomed to abject loneliness and absolute misery. However, those are all fairy tales. In the real world, when someone consistently makes you miserable and you’ve already done you part to fix the problems, then it’s time to move on. “Single” does not equal “miserable,” and besides, it’s usually a temporary condition.
Reed
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I loved the article, the topic is very relatible and real! Relationships are very tough and sometimes outside advice is needed, but sound advice is better than words of wisdom from friends and family……. This article was really helpful for me because I have been out of a relationship with a certain someone for about four months, while we were together for 5 years. Recently, we exchanged new numbers and are thinking of trying to reesatblish ourselves together again. The questions that the article brought up were things that we should have thought/talked about before we called it quits. Now, im wondering if we should try this again??????????? bloggers please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looking on the positive side is a good way to keep a relationship, however I believe this article is intended more for those out there who have tried being positive and are now seriously debating calling it quits. Sometimes there is a point where it looking at the positive of a situation only gets you hurt. Like the article says, if your not happy at least 80% of your life, it might not be the best match for you.
There are those out there who are in abusive situations and have not yet realized it. I mean if it’s possible to minimize physical abuse, how much easier is it to minimize or mis-categorize emotional/mental abuse.
To the writer of this blog. Thank you. This is such sound unbiased advise! Seldom is an article offering advise so nonchalant. I really appreciate the direct, sincere, and to point aspects of this article. It really helped me simplify a really hard and long time coming decision. 🙂
There are a couple of good points here, but i feel it’s much more beneficial to focus on the things that are working, the things you enjoy doing together and then saying “how can we improve”. instead of saying “what are the problems and can they be fixed”. the positive approach works much better in my opinion. it doesn’t mean you ignore the problems but the negative is so easy to focus on and just brings both people down. i have found when you focus on the positive it brings out more of what you want in the relationship and the problems get resolved that way.