Why we don’t like to let people go revolves around our need for control and validation. Change comes with uncertainty, something difficult for us all to manage.
Why We Don’t Let Go of People We Should
They strike postures of tortured sentiment, these ones who labor under illusions of a broken heart. They repeat a curious mantra that I hear as I read for them over the years: Why can’t I let him go? Why can’t I get over it? What can I do? No matter what the oracle sees in the future, the utter torment of the moment is more than many can bear. We joke about it as we can; if only there was an antidote, a pill… And no doubt one day there will be. A safe way to shut everything off.
Until then, there are other methods; methods that shock the neurological circuits into different pathways. But those ways involve control and the ability (or inability) to relinquish it. I offer suggestions, even give directions on how manage it, knowing even as I do that most of the time my advice will not be taken. Because even though the client doesn’t like the anxiety they’re feeling, they’re often reluctant to give it up. Painful as it may be, it represents a form of control. Control standing hand in hand with its mocking partner, validation. Get personalized advice, contact a psychic today!
You ask me why you can’t let go of someone, and I will ask you, what is this person to you? When someone you love says they no longer love you, that which you once held as a stable center is altered. Even if a reconciliation takes place, change has come, and with it uncertainty. What’s sought in the clinging to that which is no more is the demon Ed the Shaman fought for a young lady athlete in an episode of Northern Exposure… external validation. We don’t fall in love with people. We fall in love with representations of what we think people are and attributes we desire for ourselves. Michelangelo said: “Like to the moon am I, who cannot shine alone.” And so many of us feel that, like the moon, we have no light of our own but must look to some separate sun for the illumination we crave. Without that external light, we are alone… dark… nonexistent. Somewhere we’re taught that the validation of another brings us safety and so we see our lovers, not as themselves, but as shades of our cold fathers, our angry mothers, our abusing priests and teachers… all the people we wanted to love us and keep us safe. In our minds safety means stasis, control and sameness and its enemy is always temptation into passions yet unknown. And this is why so many don’t really want to move on. The pain becomes a form of validation. It’s the only way of knowing they are still alive at all. Other methods mean risk… threaten a loss of control. Better to dance with the devil you know. The one you don’t know, you think, is the real troublemaker.
13 thoughts on “Psychic Liam: Why We Don’t Let Go of People We Should”
Fascinating how some of the commenters, in spite of grammatical errors and misspellings, still say a brilliant word or phrase now and then, i.e., “you are the sun…..”
Liam, I am beginning to look forward not only to your “profound” pronouncements, (another perfect word from one of your responders), but the heartfelt responses from your admirers.
However, in my experience, the only true way to get over what I have come to call, from my internet browsing, a 6-year adventure into limerence, if not love, is to fall for another person and form a relationship with him.
The “worm has now turned”, and I am, and think he is – the former limerent object – enjoying it to the hilt! (Yes, he is still on the fringes of my life, but in a healthy way, in spite of how it sounds here). He knows I’m still attracted to him, but being true to my new and healthy love. He is satisfied with still feeling attractive, but out of the trap of trying to make me happy when he would rather play the field. And I am now his equal, with heart and soul intact.
It was fun expressing all this, but I probably won’t send it. Well, OK, here goes…..
Aloha Liam,
Every time I seem your name in the byline, I know I’m in for some great advise. You truly are my favorite blogger on this site.
I can relate to this one, as I have been doing my very best to move on after a seven year relationship. It’s been over a year now, had other dates, short flings…then, when I saw him again, BAM, that lovesick feeling in my gut came right back. I knew there was a reason I didn’t/won’t delete this post, so worth re-reading. External validation, got it!
Liam- This is something I’m going through right now. Had a whirlwind of start to a relationship that basically and literally blew me away. I reached happiness to levels I had never experienced and always wanted..but it wasn’t happening at my pace and all of a sudden was doubting it, and clinging to friends. I started examining every detail of my heart and looking for a reason it may not work, and then I found one. I had feelings for someone yet that I hadn’t completely let go and those are in the way. Basically I would let them be in the way because I’m not in the comfort zone of a sure thing, total devotion by someone. When I spoke to my boyfriend about the feelings for an old flame, he said simply, I love you and want for your happiness. When you figure out what will make you happy, let me know. I will wait for you to find your home; I know where it is. Reading your article gives clarity to how I’m stuck. Thank you.
I love the way Liam is able to look at issues and provides food for the thought and in many ways it is so beneficial to read his lines.
Maybe it is not the other person we miss so badly, maybe it is the way they made us feel
I am not sure if we are meant to shine alone… we can exist alone of course. When the mirror is broken we know that we still exist but we long to see ourselfs again. So we long for our lovers touch, because it feels different as if we touch ourselfs – we can not “make” it and we cannot “stop” it. We have no control, just as liam said – and this is very hard and painful to learn. Grief takes time, because growth takes time.
Havin trouble gettin any man
Letting go is not easy, but if only you set your mind it over , really over you can move on with your life. Find someone else or not God gives you the streght to go on…..
I don’t want to dance with the devil. I want to dance, Just dance….
This is so true. Especially the part of regarding the past shades of people that we longed for approval and love. That habit is so hard to break, that once we find someone that even gives a tiny morsel of that, we just hang on ….waiting for the whole meal.
Thank you so much,you have helped me to understand all the whys’ and why nots.
liam has always been right on target
Once again you have managed to put things in perspective. Even with the knowledge of “Damn, I’m tired of attracting the ‘past people’ so I can get over my past” and working on Self, the statement of ” external validation”, made so much sense, An other (peace) to the puzzle. I can focus more on ‘selfish needs’ like it’s ok to not be in a relationship and self validate cause Suzanne ‘you are pretty awesome by your on self’. Thank-you for helping put some of the dead weight, I can caring around, where it belongs.
Always grateful for your wise words.
Liam, in one word Brilliant. Thank you !! “Never a truer word spoken” !! What and who we think a person is, is either who or what they want you to believe they are, or who our own minds want them to be despite the clear signs we don’t seem to see.
37 years of marriage, great sacrifice beyond anyone’s understanding on here without it being explained to them, and then I’ve found no one cares anyways, and the wasted devotion to one man has taught me that some people have no morals or human decency, not alone gratitude. Betrayed by the father of my children and my best friend coluding and lying with their sly deceit.
In actual fact I now realise they deserve each other as people don’t really change and no doubt will do the same to each other. But one sad thing here is, that my friend’s young daughter is no doubt the interest of my ex. and there’s more. It’s shocking how disgusting some people can be and even though my friend knows his history, subjects her own child to this, and for what. How delusional can we all be ?
Liam, your words are profound but they need to be stronger to wake us up. It’s only now I understand them as you write them, but when one is in the midst of our disalusionment these words would not wake us up. It’s only when you have already faced the reality can we understand them.
Wake up men and women of this world – to deceitful unworthy partners with evil uncaring intent and realise you are stronger than what you think – you can walk away. You are the Sun ! Now I know !
Very thought provoking and I can related to this article! However I have started to let go and venture into the unknown, remembering that there is nothing to fear but fear itself ! This means understanding the past to let go of it and move forward to betterment . I’m glad there was no magic pill or the ability to wipe my mind as the lesson could never of been learned.
i rely admire your way of thought yet your language is diffecult for me because im not english speaker but yor explenation is alawys right
god bless you