One reader expresses her concern over a lack of sex in her marriage to a man who has never initiated the act. Carmen weighs in with the different possibilities as to why, but also how to address him and ask for more sex.
Changing With Your Husband as He Ages
Bonnie from Cary, North Carolina asks:
I have only been married three years. My husband has only had sex with me ten times, and I started those ten. When I ask about it, I get no reply. He never hugs me and the only real kiss I have recieved was on our wedding. He always says he loves me, but now I’m at my wits’ end as to what to do.
Carmen Responds:
Dear Bonnie,
This is a tough one. The question I would have is how was your sex life while you were dating? Did he lose his interest after you guys got married? Either way, it’s time to have a real conversation about it. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don’t accuse him, or put him down, because this is a delicate matter and requires diplomacy and sensitivity.
There are many reasons why a man may lose his sex drive and some of them have absolutely nothing to do with their partner. Men can lose their sex drive with age, due to their testosterone levels dropping. This is something a doctor can help with. Other reasons include stress, depression and exhaustion. The problem is that no matter what the cause is, we tend to take it personal. As women we tend to connect our feelings of self-worth and base our feelings of how desirable we think we are on the physical feedback we receive from our men. When they cut off the sex, we tend to think it is something we did, and therefore often believe that it is also something we can fix.
“Real trust takes real time.” – Reed ext. 5105
Have that conversation with him. Sit him down and tell him that you really need to talk about this. Do not ask him, but tell him that you miss being physical and that you would like to work on that part of your relationship. Tell him that a healthy sex life is important to you and that you miss intimacy. Maybe he can at least agree to touching and cuddling without the sex part, until he figures out what he needs to do. Either way, you definitely have to talk about it, because if you just let it simmer, you’ll end up building resentment towards him and that will only end in bad times. If he loves you, he will at least listen to you and hopefully, agree to work on this. No matter how much we love someone, a relationship without any physical contact is simply not going to work in the long run.
“To attain the love you want, be prepared to be, or work to become, the type of person you want to attract!” – Yemaya ext. 5143
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9 thoughts on “Speak Up: How Do You Know It’s Love?”
FEELING OF EMOTION, LOVE CREATE BY ROMMANCE, LOVE HIS HAPPEN BOTH WAY TO EACH OTHER FEELING, CARING, HALP HIM,
It is not “normal” for a man to only have had sex 10 times in the last 3 years and all of those times you were the one who started it. But there are some problems that he could be having that interfere with his abilities and interest in the bedroom. But if you also do not get any other signs that he loves you or wants to be close to you then he is not feeling the love for you that you feel for him. I had a marriage like that and it made me doubt myself with other men even after we split up. Unless he wants to improve things nothing will change. You have put up with the situation so long that he thinks that he does not need to fix anything. Give him a firm deadline to get whatever help he needs and if nothing is done by that time then leave. Life is too short to stay with a man who freezes you out. I should have left sooner but we had a family together. Please learn by my mistakes. I know it will not be easy no matter how this plays itself out. But you owe it to yourself to find love. I did.
Tanya, I do not want to offend you in anyway however, I do not know how to put this mildly therefore, I apologize in advance.
Do you have any respect for yourself? Because you and I know your husband doesn’t It might be different if you had an open marriage with a degree of honesty however, he lies about his affairs, you know he is and you pretend that its OK. You know your not OK with him disrespecting you on this level. Betrayal is generally something that is never forgiven in a relationship. Regardless what people say it forever changes the relationship.
There are many relationships that survive this level of betrayal however, it is never forgotten and/ or completely forgiven. Do you have a best friend/ sister that you trust to help you with this matter? You confide with them and figure out what you need to do that may save your marriage if that is what you want but denial is only going to get you bitter.
Last, next time he says he is going bowling with the guys and you know he isn’t, while he is in the shower you sneak a condom in his shirt/ pants pocket/ wallet. with a note telling him best get your butt home now, or you will be removing his penis and it stays home because he can’t be trusted with his. And when he says but the other guys are taking theirs, you explain, Sorry the penis stays here and your not married to the other guys.
Desire and love go hand in hand. With men, lust without emotion can be important as well.
I do not think your husband is into you at all. I think he either has psycholigical problems but you knew about that before you married or he has no true feelings for you. Sorry, not normal.
I know that it is real love…or at least that I really am in love with my husband…because I love him unconditionally. I love him even though he is unfaithful. I love him even though he uses drugs. I love him even though he thinks that I do not know, and continues to lie to me. If I didn’t love him, then I would leave him. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t be tender with him. If I didn’t love him, then I wouldn’t be trying to find a way to make his life better so he could be happy without drugs and without meaningless sex with others.
Yes, I do believe that communication is the best thing in a relationship. You should be able to talk to your partner about these
subjects. There are so many couples that don’t say anything because
they are afraid they will loose the person. If that is the case I feel
you have the wrong person and re-evalulate what you want in a partner. If you don’t communicate I feel you will be very unhappy
in the long run.
Communication is key here, you have needs and so does he, I would say be careful how you approach this subject. We are talking about a man and as a man talking about sex and his ability can either be positive and encouraging or destroy his confidence totally, it is almost as if reading this article as if you have had an affair. I am sure this is not the case! I am aware I pulled away from my wife when I knew I was emotionally and mentally ready to move on. there could be so many reasons, and we do not know his side of things. I wish you well.
i want know about my self and love
i depresed