Speak Up: When You’ve Married the Wrong Person

After a long marriage, are you sure you’ve actually married the right person? The children are grown and maybe you’ve even had an affair. What do you do when you feel like you’re stuck in a marriage that doesn’t fulfill you? How can you move on and be happy?

Should I Stay in This Marriage?

Pattie from Detroit, MI asks:

After 30 years of marriage, with the kids grown, I’m now re-evaluating my life and  have come to realize that I may have married the wrong person. Funny how when you think you’re in love all their habits seem cute, but aren’t really. We haven’t had physical intimacy for years and when we did he never wanted to try new things. He’s an admitted introvert and I’m not. I love being around people, talking, laughing, etc., and he finds that distasteful. My husband has also been emotionally abusive—telling me not to act certain ways, questioning when I do, making me feel less than myself and demeaning me. I admit to having had an affair with a married man who felt the same way in his marriage. He brought me back to life. He felt we were soul mates, and we got along wonderfully on many different planes—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and the passion was unlike anything I had ever experienced, but he was caught and our relationship ended suddenly, without closure.

While I accept that as a consequence of an extra-marital affair, I can’t stop thinking of him, have dreams of him, and have actually felt his embrace on one occasion. I feel that I get messages about him, once by asking questions of myself then turning on the radio to hear a song that actually answers the questions. Am I crazy? I know I am loved by my husband, and I consider him a wonderful friend, but feel somehow that I can’t be with him anymore. He talks about retirement and I can’t stand the thought of being with him for extended periods. When we were having many difficulties he did suggest an open marriage, which sounded appealing, but I couldn’t do it, even though I did have a secret affair. Why would he suggest such a thing? I have suggested marriage counseling but he rejects the idea. I am trying to make a life for myself with activities, new friends, etc. I no longer work due to a disability and feel that I can’t leave him. My lover is a special person and I would be with him in a heartbeat if I could. So, after this convoluted question, I guess what I want to know is did I marry the wrong person, and will I ever see/be with my former lover again? Will I ever be loved the way I deserve to be loved? And will I have the type of relationship that I deserve—a loving, passionate partnership? Thank you.

Dear Pattie,

I don’t think you are crazy at all! As a matter of fact, it seems that you have a very good head on your shoulders and seem to know exactly who you are and what you want.

Maybe you didn’t so much marry the wrong person, but instead simply outgrew the relationship a while ago. Sometimes people drift apart and it doesn’t necessarily have to be anyone’s fault. On the other hand, it’s never okay to engage in abusive behaviors and demean another, no matter what’s going on. If you have suggested marriage counseling and he is refusing to participate, then maybe it is time to move on. You will not be able to fix a broken marriage on your own. Also, I’d have to ask if you’d be even willing to fix it. If you cannot imagine growing old with your husband, then maybe this should serve as a big clue as what is truly going on inside of you.

In regards to your lover, you should take into consideration that we truly can have more than one soul mate. While it seems that you have a great connection with this man, I also believe that he (at least for the time being) made a choice when he stayed with his wife after he got caught. The problem is that sometimes, when we really are in love with another, our third eye can become overactive and literally conjure up “signs” that may mean different things, or show us that which we wish to see and hear. For example, I remember years ago being very much in love with a guy who clearly wasn’t the right person for me. During the time though, I would get constant affirmations in tarot and from the pendulum, telling me that he’d come back to me and truly loved me. Turns out, he was out with someone else. We tend to be not quite so neutral when it comes to asking questions regarding our own situations, so keep that in mind when you watch out for signs.

“You must first decide that you are worthy of love and that your value to be loved is not determined by someone else but yourself.” – William ext. 5131

I really do believe that you will be loved the way you deserve to be. However, that is something you will have to be in charge of. Happiness doesn’t come knocking on our door when we want it, but is something we need to create for ourselves. I think the steps you are taking will lead you down that path, such as making new friends, doing new activities and creating a life for yourself. When we are truly happy with ourselves and remove our attachment to one specific person or thing, we can start to act like a beacon—namely open for all possibilities the universe has to offer, thereby attracting what we deserve and want, in whatever shape it may come to us. Look upon the time you’ve had with your lover as a great sign that you are able to feel great passion and love. If you are meant to be with him, things will work out the way they are supposed to; and if not, you will find the person who is. Either way, believe in yourself and know that every day can be a new beginning and provides you with a clean slate or canvas to create whatever it is you wish to create. Good luck on your journey and know that it is never too late!

“Real trust takes real time.” – Reed ext. 5105

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