The Lesson of Letting Go

If you’re like most people, you’ve experienced longing over a past relationship. You may have spent weeks, months, years even pining over someone, convinced that if you just tried hard enough, you could make it all work out and live happily ever after. If you find yourself in this situation (or you’ve been there before), you’re not alone. But there are a few key things you have to remember if you ever want to start feeling better, get back out there – and find the right person. First, while we all do create our own realities, we don’t create someone else’s. A relationship requires two equally committed parties — not to mention the right timing — in order to have a fighting chance.

This may sound simple. After all, two requirements isn’t a lot, right? But as anyone who has managed to reconcile with a long lost lover will tell you (high school sweethearts who meet up years later post-divorces come to mind), timing is everything! Men, in particular, often want to have certain aspects of their lives in order before they’ll settle down. So it doesn’t matter who or what comes along, if they’re not ready to settle down, they’re not ready. And no matter what you say or do, you can’t change that.

Contrary to popular belief, the same goes for the ladies — particularly if they’re mired in past romances gone wrong. Mr. Perfect could be standing right in front of a heartbroken woman and she’d be highly unlikely to notice – no matter how grand his gestures. So what does this mean? It means you’ve got to get present. The only time that matters is NOW! This is the secret to letting go.

Now, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. Sometimes what’s right for the now isn’t pleasant. It means mourning. Losing a relationship is like a mini-death, and depending on how close the bond was, it may take a while to get over. Some may advise that the best way to get over a break up is to get right back out there and start dating, but the opposite is true for one very simple reason. What you don’t mourn now, you’ll wind up mourning later – and longer — because the pain will be compounded by whatever has transpired in between.

Allow yourself the time to heal. And while you’re healing, use the time to grow. Look at yourself and your behaviors instead of analyzing the other person (since you can’t affect/change or influence them anyway!). Don’t waste time on what you could have done differently to get a different outcome, but rather think about what you’d like to change for the next time you get involved. This way you can bring your best you to the relationship table.

Lastly, it’s most important that you understand no one but you can make you happy. This sounds trite when you’re in the heat of heartbreak, but it’s true. Expecting that someone else can make or break your happiness assures you only that you’ll never be happy. Not for the long run anyway because contentment comes from within. Consider how you can best take care of yourself (eating right, exercising, getting out with your friends and also taking adequate time alone come to mind) and make an honest effort to do so. And while it may not help now to hear this, know that it’s true: with time, things get better. No matter how intense you feel your love was, how different and unique and special, others have felt that way and moved on. Trust in the universe. If you do the work, you will reap the rewards – though they may look different than what you expect. One thing however, is for certain.

You will love again and you should start by loving yourself.