We received a wonderful comment from a reader looking to set the record straight on how to make relationships work.
Maggie writes:
Hello, I often read articles on your site and others about how men don’t want women to change them and how if your agenda is about changing your guy, you will fail. I think the majority of women do not go into a relationship wanting to change their guy, but here is what they do expect: that a guy will have the emotional intelligence that for the relationship to work well, he will have to adjust and make compromises so they grow toward each other and get used to each other’s quirks. Also, that some quirks cannot be changed but a considerate person will try to ensure they are not bugging the other person. This applies equally to both sexes, and women know that. It just gets a little old when men think they are being so smart to say, on the first date, that they don’t want to be changed, as if it is something that most people agree with. People do change when influenced by each other…this is a fact, and it can work for both good and bad. Any relationship requires working and growing together well and being considerate of each other.
What do you think?
7 thoughts on “The Real Trick to Relationships”
I love this article, one thing that I have found is we cannot control, and yes of course there are those things that drive us nuts, but remember its just things and trust me there are things that you do that drive him nut, so bottom line I have found that the best way is to let them be them and dont control them, it’s really not a big deal, its not, just allow them to be them as they let you be you!
Blessings and Big Hugs!
Jacqueline x9472
Maggie couldn’t have said it better. When I’ve come to a point in a relationship where my needs aren’t being met the first thing the guy will say is… I’ll change. Honestly, I want you to be who you are. Don’t change for ME,change for you, because you want this and maybe there is some room for compromise. Otherwise, we are not a match.
Also, a man who is an introvert should not be forced to go out to large parties to suit her. The man obviously needs his space and quietness. That’s just part of his natural identity. The woman should find someone who meets her sociable qualities..DON’T CHANGE A MISTER WRONG FOR YOU. FIND A MISTER RIGHT FOR YOURSELF!
Maggie,
Thank you for a very on-point and thoughtful article.
I do agree that most women do not enter a relationship wanting to change a man, but expecting a mutuality to grow in a relationship. One of the strongest indications of interest is definitely to see one partner (which gender doesn’t matter) making serious, visible attempts to adjust to support something that is important to their partner.
On the other hand, it is important to hear a person (once again, gender doesnt’ matter) who states early on that they don’t want to change or they have their life very well-ordered to their liking. Occasionally, this person may actually be telling you they do not welcome the give and take of an actual relationship-they want things their way.
Yas makes a good point. My special guy would rather see an Elvis impersonator and I love world-class opera. The point is we both love each other more than either types of performance.
Maryanne
Ext. 9146
What i feel men mean when they say they don’t want to be changed is that they don’t want their identities changed to suit a woman. There are women out there who are controlling enough to want to change their man into someone who they really are not to fit their own lifestyle. That’s where a man ends up leaving her. Men want to be able to feel comfortable in their own skin and want to be accepted as who they really are. If a woman doesn’t accept it, why should a man change who he is for her. It’s obvious the two aren’t right for each other. The same goes for as how a woman should not give up who she is to suit a man. If you don’t like the other person’s qualities then move on to someone who suits you best and naturally has what you like.
A good example is a man who smokes. A woman doesn’t like smokers yet she is dating him. Unless it’s for the purposes of her concern for his health only, she has no right to try to change his habit. he has to change it on his own behalf or until a doctor tells him it’s time. Same as a woman who has a career that she feels so passionate about. The man doesn’t like his woman to work. Who is he to tell her to stop working? Go and be with someone who wants to live as his house wife.
What I’m trying to say is..relationships are like teams. Everyone within that team have their own points of views, and qualities that are independent and unique yet have supportive values to make it work. If one person doesn’t support the other and accepts them for who they are..then that person should go and find another team to play on that suits their wants and needs. That’s what dating sites are for. Each person is looking for specific qualities they want in a mate, whoever suits them so that noone tries to change the other…
So it’s not about men not wanting to change to grow with the relationship. It’s about their woman accepting them as who they are, how they look, what they wear, and their personalities, just liek how many women like myself don’t want to be changed. They just want their woman to love them for the man they naturally are, otherwise they know there are plenty other woman out there who will if you don’t…
Rosemarie
Very well said, Maggie!
For any relationship to work (romantic, friendship, work), all parties must adjust to another. But when people talk about changing their partner, I don’t think they are referring to adjusting to each other’s quirks. Rather, if you have a man who considers a fun night on the town to consist of a pizza dinner and clubbing, you can’t start forcing him to enjoy frog legs and the opera. That’s a change that can bring a lot of uneasiness, in my opinion.