Unhealthy Patterns in Relationships

Kellie writes:

I seem to get into relationships that are unhealthy for me. I am always the one who gets the raw end of the deal and gets hurt. I don’t know why they become so cold and mean. How can I change my fate in my relations, and how can I find the true mate for me that has the same goals and needs that we both can share and fill together without drama and pressure? They are never the people I fall in love with. They change into the opposite of what I saw when I meet them and fell in love. Why do I get Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all the time? I never can have a happy, healthy, normal relationship. It’s always an extreme and bizarre change.

Liam responds:

Kellie, thank you so much for this interesting inquiry. I will attempt to explain some important facts of sex and seduction as they relate to your question. First of all, remember that no one is ever what they seem. We human beings detest inconsistency and complication, because our survival has often depended on the isolation of predictable patterns from information gathered by our very limited perceptions. We are conditioned to want to see very simple and logical scenarios.

However, the actuality is very different. We are energy forms constantly in flux. Though we want to say a person is one thing or another and be able to reliably describe them to ourselves, the fact is that people are always in a state of change, constantly subject to contradiction and paradox. To complicate it further, we are also multidimensional beings with many selves and many layers, and just when you think you know someone, you find you are very much mistaken.

In the game of love and sex, men take great advantage of that chameleon ability, allowing the aspects of their persona that are the most sexually enticing to a potential mate to emerge first and take the forefront. You respond to the gentleman type; that’s your nature, so to entice you into sexual liaisons, the men you date start out treating you in a gentlemanly fashion. This lowers your defenses, so that you can be taken in. After mating, with the biological urge met and satisfied, you are no longer necessary. The game is complete, and on come the faucets, spraying out other, much less attractive aspects of the personality.

No longer needing to impress – and in an effort to get you to flee so he might pursue other females – his inner tool comes forth. This self is no more or less his “real” self than the former polite self. It’s simply another very valid aspect of his personality to which you react badly, and so he goes his own way, free to recreate the dance with the next maiden fair that comes along. Don’t take it personally. It’s part of the game. You can’t fault the Jaguar for being a cat, and whether you know it or not, you’re playing right along with each sexual submission.

Your true nature, the unconscious flow, moves to the mating even though on a conscious level you fear the rejection you know very well comes later. To find and keep a man you can legitimately count on, you are going to have to break this cycle and start playing the game with your eyes wide open. Quit being dazzled.

Men who are too good to be true right up front are almost always just that. Be wary of friendly fellows who come off as aggressively sweet and charming. They’re not faking it, but they are withholding certain ugly truths of character in order to get you into bed. Always keep in mind that the nicer a man is to you, the more likely it is that he is nursing a secret plan for sexual conquest, and the sweeter he is in the beginning, the faster he’s likely to turn ugly later.

Not every man follows this pattern, and not every dating scenario follows a script, but it’s apt for many, and for you in particular, because you are drawn to niceties and tend to shy away from men who have evident flaws. In other words, you disregard guys you deem imperfect from the get-go. You have to practice giving other guys a chance. More than anything, though, you need to go with the motto of “friendship first” in any future relationships. Everyone who is “dating” is playing a sexually charged ritual game. By insisting on being friends and only friends for a good long while, you get the chance to see a man with his guard down. You’ll see the polite and the not-so-polite. You can laugh and get drunk together, but you can also have arguments and reconciliations. You’ll get the chance to know the real person before you decide to invest yourself too deeply. Now, the fellow will most certainly still be trying to bed you, but he’ll have to alter his approach to suit your directive, and you’ll get to call the shots. Best of all, layering a sexual relationship over a core of real friendship makes the passion much more solid and your partner much more likely to stick around for the longer haul.

Don’t give up. I sense you’ve got some very good things ahead.

Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.