We watch outlandish exhibitions like Jerry Springer’s show because we feel stable, secure and “normal” by comparison to his outrageous guests. We laugh. We poke fun at them. But we feel way better about our foibles and idiosyncrasies by comparison. That feeling is why some men are, again and again, attracted to unstable women.
Let’s consider an average guy seeking a mate. Think about a good-enough looking guy – maybe a bit less than Robert Pattinson, and certainly not a candidate for world’s sexiest man. He’s got a cool personality and a great mind. His skill in treating women well is better-than-average. But in his mirror he doesn’t measure up. He’s been turned down for one reason or another, been dumped and hasn’t healed, or was too often shut down before first base.
Tapes running in his head admonish him: Your nose is too big. Your penis is too small. Your hair is thinning. Your belly should be smaller. That kind of thinking, creating his self-image, has much to do with what sort of partner he thinks he deserves.
Our Joe Average needs to be needed, and unstable women can be very needy. Experience has taught him those ladies are apt to be physically demonstrative, bolstering their weak self-esteem by demonstrating sexual prowess. His senses of adventure and excitement perk up. Unstable women are less likely to have inhibitions, more likely to be risk-takers. Contemplating consequences is not typical of uncentered, insecure people. He’s having trouble seeing the downside.
Our guy feels he isn’t the catch of the century, so wouldn’t we expect to find him looking for women willing to “settle?” He’ll gravitate to a woman who doesn’t have high expectations about quality in men. He could be her dream guy.
He looks at a hot, together, poised babe and thinks, Well, that’s never going to happen. Then he finds a good looking girl – a little needier, a bit less centered. His confidence (and who knows what else) gets a boost.
In conversation, our guy learns how many insensitive dolts have dumped on her, and it’s not her fault. She’s just blindsided. Even her bosses dump on her – three jobs in two years. Her roommate took off, too. Common sense would tell our hero to be careful. This girl may be slightly off, treating people shabbily, knowing little of being faithful. She’s not quite stable, right?
But our hero needs someone to need him. He’ll rescue her, and fix everything. Her drama intrigues him at first, but is devastating later. Still, she’s way prettier than the women he deserves, and she’s responding to his interest. It’s his lucky day. He’s in love and setting himself up for inevitable disappointment as she repeats old behaviors, until her instability shows through.
They can’t last. Both our guy and his new lady need to heal first. But this is a bonding destined to be repeated until our guy gains self-respect and understanding of his worth as a partner. Till then, he’s a magnet for unstable chicks. He’s drawn to them like a salmon swimming upstream to answer nature’s call – nothing can keep him away.
8 thoughts on “Why Men Are Attracted to Unstable Women”
Wish i read this a long time ago as well.
Am glad am learning now.Wish i had years back.
This article is nothing short of miracle to me. It really opened up my eyes.
Could you please explain something about “Women who are Attracted to Men who are Attracted to Unstable women?”
:))
are those men unstable too?
I’m not unstable, but at one point I was getting over a broken relationship and this man befriended me (he worked with the other guy) and was my shoulder to cry on. As I healed from that broken relationship, I fell for him and we had a 4 year relationship during which time I got stronger. When I made decisions about my life and activities without asking him, he felt I was being disloyal. When I refused to end a 20 year friendship with a male buddy, he decided that I would cheat on him and could not be trusted. He eventually backed me into a corner and I gave him an ultimatum to fish or cut bait, and he told people I would not talk to him unless I got my way, but I found out years later that he already had another emotional mess he was trying to rescue, and that’s where his focus was. I bought a house by myself, had it renovated, bought a vacation home, new car, moved, changed jobs, and he could not handle me getting my life together. He said he thought we’d always be the same as we were. Change is inevitable; growth is optional. I grew; he didn’t.
I’m reading this article possibly in time.. I still dont know how should I look at my situation, but in twists & turns of her story Im in the parallel role (sometimes go close to hero, when she think if ‘m more suitable for her). The very hero of this movie looks to have a great control over her & its hard for me to convince the heroine, that hero may be side-hero (coz he’s playing her as per my view) in disguise? Apparently heroine spent on hero in the past. And she’s been going broke over ..well considerable amount of time. And I ..you guessed it :). What is keeping me here in this story? Is it that she’s unstable? She makes me feel that she needs me? Well, one thing- we are friends.. sometimes more than friends. Always platonic to be explicit. I feel like I’m playing the role of Jason Bateman in the movie switch. May be I’m wrong 🙂 May be there are no rules. May be I will regret. May be not.
Incomplete.
I wish I’d read this about ten years ago. 😉
Hello Taryn,
One point too that I have seen many times, men view woman who are very successful as being too strong for them, so in return, they view them as some what as a threat and feel uncomfortable, many times men like to be the stronger one in the relationship, this empowers them.
Blessings and Big Hugs!
Jacqueline x9472
Hi,
And then you have the type of guy attracted to the ” bad girl”…… a few male clients have told me they found her to be ” sexy & wild ” in the beginning of the relationship……the notion of trying to ” tame ” her in the bedroom they found alluring.
But all too often , it caught up to these guys , financially speaking,…AND their ego takes a BIG hit. The ” bad girl ” is high maintenance, financially speaking…..but after he thinks he has ” tamed her wild streak ” by offering great sex in the bedroom , he catches her cheating on HIM.
Game over.
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500