A reader from London writes:
Dear Liam,
First of all, I love reading your column. It truly gives me much insight on relationships.
I am currently seeing a man twenty-two years my junior (he is 45, I am 67). I am flattered by the attention of the younger men that come into my life. I act and (do look like) I’m in my early 50s. The fact remains, I am 67. I really don’t understand why they would want to be with an older woman. I see this as such a trend and really would like to understand it. Believe me, I long for a man closer to my own age but the attraction is hard to find. My confident attitude seems to scare men my own age away. I wish I could find a happy medium. The gentleman I am seeing now has young children and he does spend ninety percent of his time with them. He has three homes. I respect his need to be with his kids. We have an electric, unbelievable sexual chemistry.
Before we met, he assured me he was not into a one night stand and explained to me why he just preferred older woman. He claims he just likes the maturity. He never allows me to say I am older. He corrects me by saying I am more mature than him. Perhaps I’m a fantasy for him. The relationship hasn’t been a one night stand, but it’s been mostly sexual. When we are together, we are great together. However, he then becomes so aloof for a period. I won’t hear from him via phone or email for several days. Then, all of a sudden he will send an email telling me how much he misses me. Perhaps that’s his set-up for the next sexual encounter with me. I just don’t know. I never say anything to him about his disappearing acts, because most of the time I know where he is. He tells me when he has his children. Perhaps he’s lying, I don’t know. But, stupidly or not, I believe what he says. I so trust your advice, can you tell me how to deal with his behavior. Is this his way of controlling. Am I just a fantasy for him? Am I a stupid old fool? He is an Aquarian and I know about their aloofness. I have been seeing him for three months now and wonder if I am only satisfying his sexual desires or if I mean anything else to him. Help!
Liam’s Response:
Thank you for this alluring inquiry. There is such seductive flavor in the erotic dance between couples with significant age differences… And I think you will find that in actuality, the liaisons between older women and younger men have always been rather more common than admitted until just the last few years. Society is always such a silly little brat. It only ever comes to admitting mature reality after a lot of kicking and screaming. Diversity is pleasure, and an age difference is a sure way to explore a broad range of experience and emotion. However, you have to be prepared… Society is a stiffly woven fabric, and slow to come along. It frowns upon such riveting notions of the flesh… If you choose to go in a direction adverse to its current accepted thought, then you’re going to have to sacrifice any desire for conformity.
I’ve looked at your man and what a warrior he is. A real alpha male; potent, cunning and always ready for battle. The boardroom is his field of honor. He has an old world mentality, which he does his best to transfer to the modern stage. But not all of his natural energy translates well. Modern family life, with its two parents, two kids and SUV was in direct contradiction to his mercenary mentality… It was stifling to him. He would have done better as a warrior king of old, with many children (because he’s a great father) and a whole lot of concubines… Instinctively he seeks a partner who is understanding. One who can supply the kind of healing only a wise woman knows how to administer. There is magic in the eyes of an older woman, a mellow glimmer that radiates the deepest of feminine mysteries. He finds this flame in you… What you provide suits him well. A woman close to his age or younger would want to marry, to settle and to nest. He is past these desires. Such a woman would only be a hindrance to him as would dating many different women. He is a focused power, and he knows that playing with many lovers is dangerous for a man in his position. He finds the arrangement you have ideal. You aren’t likely to be presenting him with an unwanted pregnancy… You’ve already experienced domestic life, and you cherish your independence. He likes independence in a mate. In short, you fit his bill. And he really doesn’t see you as older… Just wiser, and perfectly suited to his needs.
What’s bothering you is this vague notion that you’re being used. You can’t fathom why a man his age wants a woman your age, and you are afraid that being used in the bedroom and liking it makes you a slut, an “old fool,” or both. You think that for the sex that pleases you to be okay, it has to be ordained in the eyes of propriety and mandated by convention. I suggest that you stop making demands… This man will be with you for many years, if you’ll let him. But attempt to change this relationship in any way, and he’ll leave you with nothing. You entered into this arrangement with no qualms, so play the hand you were dealt. You don’t need any justifications for the pleasure he gives you. Relax and enjoy the ride. Stop pondering a future goal that keeps you from appreciating the lush scenery of now. This fellow fits your needs. So he’s not there every morning and gets moody on occasion? I think you can handle the trade off.
Liam
7 thoughts on “Should I Make Life Plans With a Younger Lover”
Perhaps the operative phrase here is “Life Plan.” A relationship with a MUCH younger person, male or female, is all about what you can do for them; not what they can do for you. Perfectly okay as long as you get it and have no expectations. Enjoy the relationship and be alive in the moment. gr8full has it right; it’s about NOW. Now is a wonderful thing, and it deserves all of our attention.
I am 49 and After a 26 year marraige, a 2 year UGLY divorce, I have a lover who is 11 years my junior and from a different race. He has no children and is aloof too. After reading your response I do feel a lot better about our relationship. Much like these other women I was questioning if he was “using” me as well. I would just like to thank you for your wonderful insight.
Good advice, Liam.
Flip the genders in this situation, and everyone would be patting the back of the older male.
I recently broke off a 12 year long affair with a woman 30 years younger than me. We still are the very best of friends. We’d go out, and all the men would be winking at me, “Hey old dude, way to go.” Did I worry that a pregnancy would result? You bet I did.
I called off this affair for a woman three years my junior. And, my, do I appreciate her maturity, and she is, without doubt, the lover of my life, a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical lover without match. My friend might have hormones on this woman, but that’s all she has over this Eve whom I now have. So, ma’am, don’t let your 67 years cause you any doubt. You are a vivacious lover like he’s (probably) never had. You are a woman, the goddess as Liam likes to say, and this man knows it.
I hope that you can know this, too.
I too have a younger lover. I call him Prince born4-20-1980, and i’m born 4-14-1961. We’ve been seeing each other for two yrs. now. He’s has alot of baggage but i truly baggage and all. I also wonder if theirs a future for us together,or am I just a mean to an end. Otherwords i’m saying i understand how this woman feel. Living this similuar situation I understand her concerns. Also i laugh to myself when Liam says so what he’s not here every morning and moody sounds like my guy. Still I wonder if their is another or third party involved. He says he truly love me and will never leave unless I ask him too. He’s with me to the end? Hummm i say??? thanks Queen
Liam I’m in the exact same situation! She’s younger (27 yrs old) but seemed very interested in the idea. I’ve known her “forever” and I still felt like I was “robbing the cradle” so I backed off. While this was going on I was being introduced to the Egyptian Beetle which is all about love, self sufficiency, new beginnings (regeneration), and the Sun (Archangel Michael oversees the Sun). I only “ran into her” because I was chasing a Beetle on my porch and I had a picture of Archangel Michael in my shirt heart pocket! And I really needed those hugs she gave me (~3 nice ones~). It was the day that Venus Retrograded. I researched what this Retrograde meant. I learned that it can definitely mean older-younger love. I don’t know if anything will happen now. But I do know that once she turns 30 she will need armed guards to keep me from connecting with her.
I always find it incredible when every article seems to be about my transformation in life at this moment. It humbles me to realize so many others suffer and survive a cruel divorce, lack of self worth, fighting to love yourself again and start a life over with heart and hope intact. These I have found through CP. After 23 yrs with my ex, 2 children, a grandson and being so blindly in love, he cheated and left for a married woman. I have found the strength and dignity to be grateful for a second chance at life. This article comes at a time when I find myself, 50 and in an extremely sexual and exciting relationship with a man 28 yrs younger than me. After wondering what I could possibly be thinking…I realized that all we have is today and I feel younger than ever. Why not enjoy the moments, God and the Universe give us? I do not plan on wasting another minute of my life on the past. This man says he prefers older women. I will take him at his word and revel in being alive. For however long we have. Liam always gives light to the confusing and Maryanne and Giselle provide hope and clarity along my journey. Thank you for all who share.
I recently had a sexual fling with a very young man (I’m 51, he’s 23). I believe he wanted to be with me because:
1.) I presented no risk of an undesired pregnancy,
2.) I expected no long-term “romantic” relationship with him,
3.) I provided a safe sexual outlet for him,
4.) I was nurturing, complimentary and protective of him,
5.) He found me attractive and comfortable to be with.
I approached his offer of sexual companionship very cautiously, because of society – I did not want this experience to be detrimental to either of us in any way. I decided to go for it because I knew we would both learn something valuable from each other, and I knew we would enjoy the diversity, as Liam notes above. The fling was very brief and top-secret, but thrilling, and ultimately satisfying. I have no regrets, and find that it has opened some new doors in my mind. Now I am in a public, romantic relationship with a slightly younger man from a different race. The taboo about mixed-race relationships has disentergrated rapidly in this society, and I am delighted to partake in the diversity and excitement that this lovely relationship offers.
Liam and I are definitely on the same page!