Love Without Sexual Fulfillment: Can it Last?
This is an common predicament to find yourself in, as sex is an important means of expressing and accepting love. If, in your opinion, a partner is not expressing love in the way they should be, it can become an issue in your relationship. However, it isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, as many couples have discovered. It is interesting to see people turn to forums on the Internet to ask strangers whether or not bad sex is a good reason to break up with someone. It is almost as if they are looking for an “approved” excuse to exit their relationship, as they don’t want to be seen as the bad guy (or girl).
Research suggests that breaking up is painful for both parties, and finding closure usually involves finding some sort of plausible excuse. There are two primary pathways one can take: Either the fault is yours or it’s your partner’s. Most people choose the latter, as it is the easiest on their ego. One reason breakups hurt is that we consider successful relationships as proof of our value. We think, someone wants to be with me, therefore I must be a valued member of society. If there happens to be something wrong with that other person, then it is not your fault, and you can continue to feel good about yourself.
Looking for an “excuse” to end a relationship usually involves one of two possible reasons: Either you’re unhappy and want out, but can’t find the words to explain your feelings to your partner, or you are afraid of getting too close to your partner, and need an excuse to push them away. In the first situation, you just need to do your own dirty work, and quit looking for an easy way out. In the second, you need professional help, as you are looking at a very lonely and unsatisfactory life, as emotional intimacy is a very fundamental part of every healthy relationship.
Whose Excuse is it Anyway?
There are four valid reasons for claiming to have bad sex with a partner:
1. You are not attracted to your partner.
2. You have strong feelings for someone else (a.k.a. cheating).
3. You are not sexually compatible with your partner (either pressured for too much sex, or complaining about not enough).
4. You are not satisfied with the quality of sex you are having.
The things about these excuses is that they have room for improvement and compromise. In other words, they don’t necessarily signal the end to your relationship unless you want them to.
If you go to your partner and request to make things more exciting in the bedroom and they refuse, there is a problem and it may not have anything to do with the sex. A good majority of problems in the bedroom go unsaid. In other words, the partner who is unsatisfied, can’t find a way to express their needs appropriately. These feelings then evolve into an emotional wedge that pulls the relationship apart from its foundation. However, there is a better way to improve sex in your relationship.
Approaching your partner with a problem in your relationship is never a big deal unless you’ve made it one. If you have a healthy relationship, most partner’s will be open to trying new things to increase your level of satisfaction and intimacy. Understand that your partner wants you to be happy. If they don’t, then perhaps that is the bigger problem in your relationship. The key to opening the topic of unsatisfactory sex is to approach your partner with love, excitement and hope. Too often, lovers approach their partner with frustration, concern and dissatisfaction—none of which have the capability to fuel positive change.
Carving a Wedge From a Splinter
Over your lifetime you’re looking at somewhere around six months of sexual experience (give or take). The majority of life is doing everyday things, such as talking, sleeping or eating breakfast. Bad sex is often a sign of deeper issues, which may require attention to the other important intimacies of your relationship. The most important rule to consider before pointing any fingers, is that your happiness is primarily your own responsibility. Most problems can be talked out with your partner as long as you maintain a positive outlook, have the desire to work towards change, and love your partner for who they are and not what you expect them to become.
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20 thoughts on “You’re in Love, But the Sex Sucks”
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My boyfriend doesn’t seem attractive to me what do i do
Awesome article! I have always thought that if two people have compassion for each other and honestly learn to please their partner. Pleasin ones partner means knowing what they like, how comfortable each of them are with their sexuality ..Experiment..try..learn and explore”)
This was great advice. Very good.
Rose a 10 years old girl has no business dating. You’re the Mom not the friend! God what is wrong with parents in today society?
Hi Eric,
Nice article….food or thought.
what nobody has said is what happens if one partner after marriage -where neither can keep their hands off of each other at first has an affair- but the marriage survives it- then years later that same partner gets ill- loses interest in sex altogether- then get’s their mojo back so to speak- but the female partner has her menopause during the ‘dry’ period- and physically begins to have problems- then either or both let themselves go- and is no longer sexually attractive to the other partner- yet there is still an emotional connection even though the physical doesn’t work- then what?- should they stay or separate ? even though they care deeply about the other one, but don’t love them ?
I think sometimes when you getting to close to a partner and you push him away is because you getting to involves and afraid that one special person could hurts your feelings again
Hi is anyone out there that would answer me a question how come no one can do free readings for people that can’t afford to pay there are alot of people that need some comfort from free readings I know I do so please find in your heart to help the needy because they also hurt inside thanks for listening hope I get a respond soon thanks caroline
Hummm that’s a very picky subject, and i like what you had to say about it, most couple break up because of sex because sex is the second most important part of any relationships and marriages, and 98% of the time it is the man’s fought of not being able to please his woman of wife, he is eather too small and not long enough to reach her spots, and or he is too quick and done before she even get started, and this is the main reason why couples break up and the woman leaves the man to find a man who can satisfy her,
John……
Thank you for this informative & helpful article! It found it’s way to me for a reason because I have been sexually & intimately dissastisfied for a couple years of now & didn’t know how to approach my husband about it or if even it was a good idea at all to approcah him about it as this topic is very taboo & sensitive. 🙂
Still surviving the break-up…yes very painful, especially since I was very much in love with him, for 4 years. I was the pleaser, and waited patiently for HIM to reciprocate the passion, intimacy and romance, which he couldn’t do, stating he was “not affectionate”…but I kept hoping that he would change, and I felt frustrated most of the time, like it really could have been better. I tried talking to him, loving him, doing things, going out of my way, and nothing worked. Yea he was hot, loving in his own way, but not the way I felt I deserved. Finallly, I realized that sex is important to me, and if “my pleasure wasn’t his priority”, then it was time for me to let him go. I spontaneously, impulsively and quickly made up my mind and told him the next morning that I was “letting him go”…he asked if I was breaking up with him, and I said yes, but I’m just letting you go.”….He moved out withi a few days (Dec. 1) and the reality of the breakup didn’t register with me until mid-February, 1 month ago. Now I feel really lovesick and it really hurts. I keep staying positive & focused on myself and know that there is now room for someone else, and I think of all the qualities I DO want in a guy to love me. Affection, love, and attention towards me would be a good start! Life goes on…live in the moment.
i am a asian woman i met my husband in the interet. everyday we chat 3 hrs..he was telling me that he had id..my answer is i love u the way u are; ..after 5 months he came in visit me in my country for 26 days…then we continue chatting then he filled a fiance visa after 8 months i’ll be here in america then january 2012 we get married..he wants me to be happy..but he can’t…now we still together.but he still on the site findings girls to chat with…i confrnt him coz i get jealous he was a hot tempered man..i dont have the righ to complain and ask any questions about what his doing.he was 63 and i am 57 yrs old.
that’s no problem my kid is 10 she wants a boyfriend well she wants 2 date a boy she needs tips plzzzzzzzzzzzzzz help me ima mother with a girl that’s a tomboy!!!!!!!!!!!
From My Point of View. Too many expect a person to perform On Demand. When we are Human Beings with physical bodies that are influenced by stressful things in our daily Lives. Not Our Partner. But when we do not get the response we want every time, we indulge in childish temper tantrums, even ugly face making, and criticism. Which is why so many end up with unsatisfying sex. No real interest in Love Making from their partner.
Wait!…till you get a load of this…Addressed to anyone and everyone!…As to life! Everyone wants to have a title with prestige and have great! importants in one’s lifetime, in this planet of ours…Hate to burst your bubble or take you off your high horse…Sometimes titles of one! Can kill or put yourself in the grave at an early age…To tell you the real truth! Nobody is that important enough in this planet, including myself…I have a saying “Just!…Matt, with no titles!”…Life will continue! Just fine! With you, or without you!…We are just flesh, and blood…Maybe that is what the greatest Profit that ever excited, known to us on the Western hemisphere is trying to get across to the people, and we are just too stupid to see that picture…I am not going to church today! Or any other day, unless it is a wedding or a passing of a family member, or a good friend…People ask me! If I am going to church today, and even sometimes invite me to come…I gracefully decline, and say; “No! Thanks!…I walk in my own personal church”…Maybe that is what communion is all about!…This is my personal sermon of just being me, and I give thanks each and every day of my life, because it is a privilege of, or to excist…You would not think so, as to the gamblers on the road, just to be in front of another, just to be first in line, or feel that important enough, that they will not let anyone in there lane…What’s with that anyways!…And what is the rush to make it to a destined point travelling to get too in such a hurry…Time is not that import to risk your life or another’s…Matty! have a nice Sunday, and enjoy the precious life that you hold in your own flesh and blood! “What makes you so bloody important anyways”
I am ready to blow my cool and tell my husband what i know about him and his sex partners.I cant have sex with him knowing what i know..He trys to have sex with me,like he does with his men sex affairs.
Foreplay sucks..
My husband fools around with other men.I cant have sex that way.i do most of the work when we have sex.I am in love with the same guy who also has sex with other men..My heart is broken..This guy is younger than me and is everything I want in a man..He wants sex with me.I am a female and cant have sex like men do..
This other man is married too and is our landlord..
I really do not know what to do…
Its not that we have bad sex its great when i do get it ,but what about whem= there want someone else
I was born in Winnipeg on July 12/1961 from this information could you tell me seven lucky numbers to play? Please.