Don’t We Love to See a Graceful Winner?
Success is meaningless. I realize that goes against everything you’ve ever heard, but it’s true. If you plan to drive to school or work and do so you’re a success. Big deal, huh? You drove to school or work.
So if success is meaningless, why are so many people driven to achieve it? Why do so many people want success in their lives? It’s not because of the success itself, it’s because of the feelings we experience when we succeed. The feelings of accomplishment, joy, and the way we like admiration from others when we succeed is just incredible. It causes our bodies to release powerful pleasure hormones. It’s like getting a mood-altering drug. We’re all “feelings addicts.”
That’s not a bad or good thing, it simply is. When we control our feelings we can use them to help propel us to amazing heights of personal, professional, and societal achievement. This can be good for us, those around us, and even for the planet. It feels great to succeed and we just love those feelings.
But feelings can be a detriment if we let them control us. In fact, when those feelings control our behaviors to an extreme it may result in issues such as obsessive-compulsive disorder that require professional intervention.
When it comes to success, sometimes the amazing feelings that accompany it aren’t enough. It’s not enough to feel joy at accomplishment. A dark part of ourselves may crave more.
Schadenfreude. It’s a German word with no English equivalent. It means taking pleasure in the pain or misfortune of someone else. When it comes to concepts of success, people who allow feelings of Schadenfreude to control them aren’t content with winning. Others have to lose. The more painful the loss to others the better you feel. It’s not enough that you get a better job, your competition for the job has to work for you or, even better, be fired. And to have even better feelings, you’ll gloat about it, even to the loser’s face. For some people, they can’t succeed unless you lose, and they have to rub it in. It’s the only way they can get the feelings they’re addicted to. Most people who themselves suffer from this either aren’t aware that people don’t like this attitude or don’t care what people think. This can lead to isolation and loneliness. “People don’t like me because I’m driven toward success!”
No. People don’t like you because you seem heartless, vindictive and cruel, even when you succeed. You’re a poor winner.
Luckily, you can avoid all this beginning with two simple practices:
1. Become aware of your feelings. Make a simple goal like waking every day for a week at an earlier time and exercising or stretching or reading during the extra minutes. When you succeed at achieving your goal, how do you feel? Do you feel wonderful over your success or do you need to tell other people and have them compliment you?
2. Observe someone who had a misfortune. Now, imagine that you benefited as a result of that person’s misfortune. Does it make you feel bad, good, or indifferent?
With these two observations you’ll discover whether you’re internally or externally motivated and whether you need others to fail for you to gracelessly succeed.
If you find pleasurable feelings from succeeding while others fail, spend a week practicing the “Mile in Their Shoes” meditation. Before going to sleep, spend just five minutes imagining what someone who failed feels like. How do they feel in front of their friends and loved ones, as well as not succeeding at their goals? This builds empathy so you no longer need to gloat over others.
If you found you needed the adulation of others to get positive feelings from success, spend just five minutes a day tuning in to where in your body you think you experience those wonderful feelings. Then, just will it to move to your heart. With a little practice of this technique you can become self-actualized. You’ll no longer need external adulation. You’ll feel wonderful without it and any that comes will be icing on the cake!
Donald Michael Kraig graduated from UCLA with a degree in philosophy, and has become a certified hypnotherapist and Master NLP practitioner. His book, Modern Magick, is the most popular step-by-step course in real magick ever published.
4 thoughts on “Be a Success With Grace”
Donald – Excellent description of schadenfreude! Fascinating subject. I finally squelched a “friend” with this terrible affliction. I was especially subjected to this treatment by him. He has “shut up” towards me, but I wonder if he could possibly “heal himself” with your wonderful solution. Hmmm………
I have noticed in reading for people over many years that the concept of not only having to win, but requiring others to lose enters into the arena of personal relationships as well. Why do people-both male and female-strongly pursue someone who is involved with someone else and, frequently, take on a very adversarial position with regard to the person’s partner or mate? Do they need to “win” more than they are actually interested in the person or even know them? Is needing the person’s partner or mate to “lose” equally as important or, in some cases, actually more important? Yes, definitely.
The key in such a situation is to gently uncover what the driving force is for that person. Where did that need to have someone else lose originate? It is extremely rare that is a recent need-readings for those individuals often uncover an original reason from very early in life that can be released to allow them to make choices that are actually available to them, resulting, of course, in a much happier outcome.
Maryanne
Ext. 9146
Hi,
I thought this was such a lovely article……everybody can use a bit of empathy towards others….makes the world a much nicer place to live in .
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
Thank you, Donald, once again, for writing an amazing article.
My mother taught me to never underestimate the intelligence of a human being, no matter what level of education, or, background they are coming from. Actually, no matter what, putting yourself above others, is, a great way to “crash,” emotionally, later…. Please realize that it is based all on ego and false pride.
It’s okay to be proud of yourself, but, when we start to gloat, well, we just failed….A lot of people who gloat will be dropped by friends and potential friends, in their cycle of progressive selfishness.
Spiritually speaking, it is wrong to mock, degrade, personally attack and point the finger at people. Of course, there is a challenge if someone has wronged you, as you feel so terribly let down, but, two wrongs do not make a right.
During my lifetime, I have been in situations, where someone has insulted me, embarrassed me, humiliated me and mocked me, and yes, in front of other people. However, it was when I turned the cheek, and simply walked away, as, “No comment” became my best friend. This then, has become something that I have tried to stick with always. I do feel more peace, and am able to have sympathy, at least, for persons who constantly have to put down others.
I never liked belonging to a “clique”-Having my sun sign in the 11th house, I have all different kinds of friends, from all different backgrounds, including religions. The problem with cliques, is, the influence can possibly keep an individual from being true to their soul. I am not saying everyone in a clique is shallow, of course,, not-But if you are in a clique, make sure that you are true to your soul, and be honest about what you really believe. If, however, you are not supported, perhaps that is not the right social situation for you.
Real friends, accept who are you, and most of us, have friends who really don’t care for some of our other friends. It is just the way it goes, sometimes. Otherwise, we would live in a perfect world.
Last, do have grace, and stand up for your true feelings, in your social life, no matter how difficult it is. Because when we do not do this, it’s easy to fall into traps of gloat, mocking, personally attacking and feeding off someone else’s misfortune. I always pray for people who did not understand me, or, had sent a big vibe of negativity my way, as a result, it helps them, and gives me a true release. Therefore, be true to your feelings, be fair to the public, try not to put yourself above others and, I assure you that you will have more grace and become a more humble soul. Thanks, again, Donald. Miss Krystal