It happened really when I’d least expected it. Actually, I didn’t even know what had happened until long after it had passed.
I was in my 30’s. It was a good time for me. I was happily employed, surrounded by dear friends, healthy and attractive. I’ve always been an optimist and this time was no different. Life was really good.
Then one morning I woke up feeling incredibly sad. So sad in fact that I wanted to cry, but I had no idea why. At first, I wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, but then quickly decided to just “go” with the feelings I had. Not an easy thing for an optimist.
So, I started to cry. But once I’d started, I just couldn’t stop. I cried for days, literally. Nine days in total. I didn’t even know a person could have that many tears, lol. There were times when my tears would stop, but the terrible sadness inside remained. There were times when my bedsheets were soaked through.
I remember being totally conscious of my own thoughts…all the things I was grateful for – friends and the like. But still the sadness remained. I also could not sleep and would turn on all the house lights when night came.
A dear friend came over every day with Gatorade to make sure I was at least getting liquids. I just couldn’t eat anything at all. I could not even get out of bed.
I wondered to myself…am I going to be like this forever? Will I have to be institutionalized? What is the matter with me? Some of my friends said they thought I was depressed. They referred to it as “clinical depression.” I thought maybe they were right.
Then, on the 10th day…I woke up and simply felt like getting out of bed. My tears were gone, but I was not yet “happy” again. I felt somber. Very somber and very quiet. I went back to work and I remember thinking that life felt more like I was observing it than living it.
I realized that during my nine days, I had lost the value of everything that I “thought” made my life happy and fulfilled. I was now going to have to “start all over,” bringing meaning back into my life. No more standards that belonged to other people, parents, teachers, friends, etc…only my very own would do.
I remember sitting on my living room floor talking to God. (Which I’d pretty much stopped doing by that time in my life). I said, “Please God, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. Please help me be comfortable in my own skin…” and the doorbell rang.
What a pleasant surprise, my old and dear friend Heidi…and oh, how nice, a book she thinks I’d like, her dad, Dr. Bruce Alspach (also a psychiatrist) had given her to read. Hmmm…Many Lives, Many Masters.
Well, I just couldn’t put it down. It made me aware that when I’d given up “religion” I’d also thrown the baby out with the bathwater, because I’d given up God, too. It made me aware that I really knew nothing at all.
Thats how I became open again to all things 🙂 That’s when I “woke up.”
Love,
Joyce
16 thoughts on “My Dark Night”
i cant wait any longer to talk to you
Thank you all for your comments & insight on my story. I have enjoyed reading about your stories and experiences as well. It’s been fun sharing.
Blessings to All.
Believer
The Halk,
Mercury, the Messenger.He is asking you to seek Truth &Pay Attn.You need to Highten your awareness. Sprite is holding a gift that only you are to receive.It will come to you, Don’t try to interpret the Omen your way .Let the Divine Light Deliver the Message to you. You may have new opportunity coming and you need to examine your life from a higher perspective.Maybe the healing of animals is where you need to be. Try Reike. Love & Light Susan
Gina Rose,
Yes, thank you!! I don’t know much about signs, omens & the like but I knew the special visit had to have a deeper meaning. That’s why I decided to share the experience on the blog.
Since the encounter (which was just a few weeks ago), I am taking my gift even more seriously…I assume it was sort of a thump on the head from the universe telling me to ‘wake up’. But I did at one point think it could have been someone visiting me in hawk form….
Thanks again!!
Dear Paisley…
I know this is late, but I tried to send you a note much earlier, not sure if you ever got it…now, I don’t even remember which blog I put it in, lol 🙂
I really just wanted you to know how much I LOVED and was touched by your note/response…so beautfully put… all of it 🙂 Let go and let flow is my new mantra!
Warmest wishes to you beautiful Paisley 🙂
Namaste’
joyce
Hi everyone 🙂
I sent a note to Paisley on a different blog…What does Aho mean? Is it Lakota? I’m really just getting to understand this blogging thing and the new website. I’m sorry if you didn’t think I responded, lol…I was just confused!
Hope you all have a wonderfilled weekend 🙂
Namaste’
joyce
Hi Joyce and CP,.
Its amazing how many times parts of us die and are reborn in pursuit of learning,.and sometimes that process gets as real as Life can be.
I once lost the ability to sleep for a week and and was really losing it.
It was when I realized and accepted that I loved my father that sleep returned.
Years later I discovered a pluto transit right during that period.zap!
peace to all..
Matt
da goddess-God will always give us the answers, in his own time. Trust in God is peace of mind.
Hugs, Miss Krystal
hi browneyes. God is always on time, and never too late! Keep the faith!
Miss Krystal
Hi Joyce,
Thanks for sharing the story of your awakening.
The “dark night of the soul” is challenging yet the process of going through it a metamorphosis like a caterpillar breaking through the cocoon…
Love and Blessings,
Anastasia, extension 5167
Thank you for sharing this. So many of us struggle with that “great stopping moment” that seems to put us in a funk for a day or a week or more. When we come out of it, we know there’s something missing (something beyond a wind up key) and we can’t figure it out.
That’s the time when God seems to show us the answer. When we’re too self-involved, we can miss that opportunity and may end up suffering longer. I hope that each of us are able to open up and receive that opportunity when it’s first presented to us.
Thank you for reminding us to do this!
Your article touched me very deeply.
I have gone through something similar.
Thanks for sharing.
Abundant Yogi
This definitely comes at a perfect time for me. Just today at the office I felt, “I am so exhausted and seem to be out of fight”.
My days are not 9 straight but just when I think I’ve got a handle on it, bam, it hits me like a brick again! Very strange!
I have much stress in my life right now. Working many hours, and dealing with the absence of someone I love dearly, someone I believed was my best friend and miss him terribly. But I’m sure there are many in the same boat that I’m in and remind myself that I should be greatful for the many hours required of me at work, because many have no hours at work right now.
With all that said, I was glad to read your article so that I can remind myself I may not be going completely insane.
Thank you!
I agree with Gina Rose. The timing is right on as it is with so many of the articles here. And Miss Krystal is also right that God does work in mysterious ways. Someone has come into my life in the past week that I have known only online for way over a year. Problems that he is facing is also in Gods hands and I told him today that I think some of the things that have happened are leading up to what he is hoping for. I think we all tend to stray away from God now and then by getting so wrapped up in our lives and forgetting to put it all in his hands, for he will take care of us in the best way if we let him. I too, like Joyce, have cried many tears but when I ask Him to take it all and deal with it because I cant, I literally feel the weight of it being lifted from my shoulders and my entire being. Not that the things that I worry about arent still in my head but they dont weigh so heavily and I know everything will work out for the best. Letting go is the answer no matter how hard it is.
Bless all who read these articles and blogs. And bless you who God has given this gift of knowing the unknown.
This is beautiful. God works in myserious ways. Keep the faith!
You will be blessed for sharing your revitalized inner strength, Joyce. Blessings,
Miss Krystal
Hi Joyce….
This is an excellent article….and your timing is right on …..in this day and age, considering how many people now are learning
to ” let go “, for various reasons…economic, personal, etc…and live their own life, walk their OWN Karmic path , and not somebody elses path.
Blessed Be )O(…..Gina Rose ext.9500