Let Go of that Cheater!
Catherine from Lower Kalskag, Alaska asks:
My husband is a cheater. He is sleeping with another women and having sex while he is at work in the summertime. I’ve caught STDs from him. We’ve been married for 20 years. He won’t talk to me or even look at me some days. We are married through the Russian Orthodox church. What can I do about it? I can’t take this anymore.
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Catherine. Your life has indeed had its share of trials and tribulations. But a life without conflict really isn’t worth much. Believe it or not, it’s far better to taste bitterness now and again than to be numbed into delusion with distraction and artifice. Your struggle falls between the traditions and established moral fiber of your inner persona and your own emotional survival. One’s sense of duty and loyalty is often tested in the crucible of self-honesty. And yet, one must decide where one’s loyalties ultimately lie. And those who expect that loyalty may very well not deserve it. There are no easy answers and though many would tell you the way is simple, it’s not. You have invested 20 long years in a marriage fixed in very traditional beliefs. For you, there is no easy solution. And it’s better that way.
Your situation will seem horrific to many, especially to the typical American mind that prefers to think of life as a fairy tale full of promises kept and happily-ever-afters where a cheater can’t exist. However, the sad fact is that what you’re experiencing isn’t at all unique. People have been cheating, keeping mistresses and enjoying extracurricular interludes from the beginning of imposed social institutions like marriage. Venereal disease is just another risk of indulgence. And though now there are precautions that can prevent them, many are not inclined to assume enough responsibility to take them. But the real problem with situations of this sort is the lack of honesty. If people would simply be realistic about marriage and honest with themselves and their partners, there could be compromises made and transparency in sexual expansion. Sexual repression leads to a lot of problems. STDs are far more common where sexual repression is the norm. In cultures and climates where promiscuity and openness are practiced and encouraged, STD rates are actually very low. Those who are repressed tend to be irresponsible and ignorant. Your husband is both these things.
There is no crime in pleasure. But when we fail to assume responsibility for the health and well-being of others and put them at risk with our dishonesty, what can be expected then of their loyalty? Though there is no easy choice, I think you already know what must be done. For your own peace of mind, consider leaving this man as soon as you are able—not because of the cheating, not even because of the disease, but because this person thought so little of you that he put your health at risk and then refused to accept responsibility and seek help with you to make it right. He has failed you not only as a husband but as a friend and that is never something to be overlooked. Seek a social worker to assist you, for the path may be difficult. But find your liberation. And if you seek another partner someday, look for honesty and trust above anything else. Be realistic about human needs and failings, but seek virtue in your potential mate as well. You will be all right. And I will be thinking about you. I’d like to encourage all my readers to think of Catherine from time to time after you read this article and then, you see, Catherine, you won’t be alone. Good luck to you.
Liam
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14 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Liberate Yourself From Cheaters”
Liam,
As you pointed out, Catherine’s husband failed her, first and foremost, as a friend. By deceiving her, he took away her right to decide if she wanted to be tied into a love triangle. It’s one thing to have multiple partners but make it plain to all of them that you are doing so. It’s another to hide that fact from them and rob them of the right to decide where their life is headed.
Hi Liam my question is my husband filed for a divorce and i dont want one do you think he will change his mine and not get the divorce and come back home to me and our 3 kids and our granddaughter.Please let me know thanks sandy
Hi Liam,
So good to see that you check your columns. Maybe you remember my almost monthly petitions, asking when your columns are going to be printed. It will defenitely become a bestseller.
Your fan forever. Aida Bon (The Netherlands)
Liam thank you for your explanation about this article and for fighting against out-dated mindset wherever it occurs. This article is so full of wisdom, liberation and compassion. Your readers, me included, have the chance to tap into a new land of perception and therefore create a better living for ourself and everyone in our live. Live will always be a trial, but it was good to me when it led me to you. Thank you for eyery word you spread to your clients over the years in your articles and in your readings – it makes a difference !
Happy Birthday my dear Friend
Sonja
(Vienna)
Thanks for the clarification, Liam, though I must admit that I did not take exception to the use of the term “cheater.” A cheater is “one who deceives or practices deceit, especially for one’s own gain” or and that is exactly what you described as the unfaithful husband’s motivation… not terribly different from the term “infidelity,” which is also a breach of faith, promise or honesty.
Your advice to Catherine was sound, as were the reasons for your suggestion, however we label the husband in this particular situation.
Brightest blessings,
Seren
Catherine, please know that I will keep you in my thoughts during this challenging time in your life. I know that you will have the requisite strength to change this unfulfilling situation and improve your life.
Brightest blessings,
Seren, Ext 5445
Excellent article and very helpful to many of us that find ourselves in similar situations.
I like your advice and I agree with you! Giving forgiveness is not fatal… Second chance is important! At least, you’ve been with this man for almost two decades of you life, try to live with him for another decade….
EXCELLENT ARTICLE! Very good advice.
Catherine, I am thinking of you and sending you much love. You DESERVE respect and love. I think it took much more strength to stay in such a situation than is required to get out of it — you are very strong. Love and light!
enlightening…..practical. no dramas, i strongly agree with Liam.
Bravo Liam. I’ve read with you over the years and your insight is the motivator. About Catherine and the breach of trust, I agree. Alone now 23 years, many small relationships later, I am committed to putting virtue or integrity first on my needs list for a potential partner. Always one to drink of the pleasure cup early on with a person I imagined being in my life (again your idea that there is no crime in pleasure), I have come to see with older age and wisdom that many do not feel any ethical need to share information with you. And indeed put everyone at risk. Without the basic trust before lust in their union, I feel it skates on thin ice. How could there be a real substance or foundation for these people. And it boggles my mind that a man and woman do not communicate about things so primal as sex. Me personally would not involve myself with anyone I could not speak my mind or heart to. No matter what a union is, at the core it is physical. Well–enough said. You have cleared the fog for her and I wish her all the best. Cat
Note to the readership from Liam:
Greetings, my fine and fair and glorious readers. I wanted to take a few moments and actually comment on my own article as it appears this day. For you see, some of you might be a bit confused by some of the term usage in said piece as well as the presentation overall. Quite simply, my friends, this article has been altered by editorial, and does not appear as it was intended to appear. Any above usage of the term ‘CHEATER’ was not in the original text of my answer to Catherine. Certain sentences above were altered and one even contains a rather direct addition. As to the tag lines in the newsletter and the heading which screams terms like ‘cheater’, well, I never have anything to do with those in any case. But, just in case you all thought perhaps I’d undergone some Puritanical conversion, rest assured, I’m still quite opposed to the possession oriented paradigm that subscribes to school yard vulgarities like ‘cheater.’ At the beginning of paragraph two, in the published article, the text reads,
Your situation will seem horrific to many, especially to the typical American mind that prefers to think of life as a fairy tale full of promises kept and happily-ever-afters where a cheater can’t exist. However, the sad fact is that what you’re experiencing isn’t at all unique. People have been cheating, keeping mistresses and enjoying extracurricular interludes from the beginning of imposed social institutions like marriage.
What I wrote was:
Your situation will seem horrific to many. Especially to the typical American mind that prefers to think of life as a fairy tale full of promises kept and happily-ever-afters. However, the sad fact is that what you’re experiencing isn’t at all unique. People have been having affairs, keeping mistresses and enjoying extracurricular interludes from the beginning of imposed social institutions like marriage.
Again in Para three a sentence begins:
For your own peace of mind, consider leaving this man as soon as you are able—not because of the cheating,
What I wrote was:
For your own peace of mind, consider leaving this man as soon as you are able. Not because of the infidelity. ..
In the past on many occasions, I’ve taken issue with the American notion of ‘cheaters’ in relationships, and as such, I felt I owed you an explanation. I hope you are all doing well.
Liam
hello iam shkumbin i am born 08 04 1983 can you can you describe my future