Red Responds: Did He Really Change His Mind?

Dear Red,

I was matched with a man (Danny) recently on an online dating website. We got to know each other back and forth and we seemed to have a good connection. I felt a spark on my end, and he responded in kind. We talked every day, but at one point, I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I sent a quick message mentioning it and asked if we should close off communication. He responded and said that he “agreed with me” that we should close it off. The thing is, Red, I didn’t want to! I was worried he had changed his mind, and I think he misunderstood my question and thought that I no longer wanted to pursue things with him. The problem is, now that we’re closed off, I can no longer contact him. He would have to re-open the match on his end (this is how the system works on the website). Was this just a misunderstanding or did he really change his mind? Any chance he’ll come back in contact? I’m bewildered and a bit sad.

Alexa in Sacremento

Dear Alexa,

Sometimes the dating game is just that – a game.

While you and Danny did get along pretty well and there was a definite level of compatibility between the two of you, you truly didn’t know him as well as you thought you did.

One would think that being matched makes the dating game a little less risky, and it absolutely can, when the matchmaker has honest information to work with. Danny comes through as a bit of a player. Even though your assessment of the connection between the two of you was a fairly accurate one, he seems to lack the level of true desire to find a woman with whom he can actually build a lasting relationship.

I know you weren’t looking to end your communication with this man, but by trying to manipulate him, you gave him an easy out. The good news is, you really didn’t do anything other than expedite the eventual ending.

At this time is seems highly unlikely that Danny will reopen the match. Don’t look at it as a loss, look at it as a blessing.

Take this experience as a double lesson. The first being: mean what you say and say what you mean. The second and more important lesson is, if you feel the need to manipulate some one in order to feel more secure in the relationship – regardless of the level of that relationship – chances are good that you are in a situation in which you do not belong.

Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226