Robyn from San Diego asks:
I am married to a man that is eleven years younger than me and has two ex-wives! He’s cheated on me with three different people over the course of our marriage, where I would come home from work and his clothes would be gone. People would tell me they see him with different women. I feel deep in my heart that I need to let him go! The reason he leaves is my fault! I don’t give him enough sex, I don’t put him before my kids. What should I do?
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
Dear Robyn,
I know you are facing some big decisions, but I can’t tell you what to do. All I can do is hopefully give you enough information and clarity regarding your choices that you can make the decision that is best for you and your family.
An age difference between partners is sometimes a problem, and other times makes absolutely no difference. It looks as if when you and your husband were getting together, your ages weren’t a problem. Now, however, there are signs of a gap in maturity. This is, and has been, causing a bit of trouble in the way the two of you relate to one another. Your husband often feels like you treat him as a child. Granted, he really isn’t looking at the fact that he often is behaving more like one of your kids than the man of the house and your partner. He has grown quite accustom to you being the responsible member of the household, and seems to take advantage of that, and you.
You say that it’s your fault that your husband leaves, and it is because of your priorities and sex life. While those reasons are part of his repeated infidelity, the blame is not entirely yours. He knows exactly what he is doing. He also knows you will feel guilty and believe that his affairs and get-a-ways are your fault—and that you will take him back. He chooses to use these factors in his decisions.
Since your marriage, your husband has had a tough time adjusting to the life of a married man with a family. He thought that he was ready for these responsibilities, but when the reality of everyday life set in, he began to resent his responsibilities, you, and to your kids. He thought his life would be easier. In many ways, he is quite immature. While this may be charming in the beginning, his immaturity and selfishness has caused many problems between the two of you, outside of his fidelity issues.
Some people have great difficulty being monogamous. Your husband is one of those people. Even if you were to put your children’s needs second to your husband, and made love to him morning, noon, and night—he would still be likely to stray. He has a very romantic delusion that he will be able to find a woman who will please him, take care of him, and be tolerant of all his less than wonderful concepts and behaviors. He has no desire to try to improve himself to make your marriage and life happier. He really doesn’t see the need to grow or change. He knows that he is fun and charming, and that there is always another woman who will be attracted to him. He is actually looking for another woman who is willing to take him on and take care of him. If he finds her, he’ll go with her, and if not, he can always come back home to you. He is in love with falling in love, but once there—well, his happiness seems to fade.
I wish I had something more positive to share with you. Unfortunately, from what I’ve seen, your husband doesn’t come across like the nicest guy, and it surely doesn’t seem like he’s very nice to you.
If you are happy enough and content enough with this man and your life with him, then stay married. Eventually he will start to mature, and things will be much better for you. But, it will be a long, and often painful, process that will take another 3-4 years before you feel like you actually have a husband and partner. If you feel divorce is the best solution, don’t look at it as if you are letting him go, instead, look at it more honestly—you are setting yourself free to find someone to who will love and honor you, and treat you with the respect you deserve.
Wishing you the best of luck, and Brightest Blessings,
Red
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7 thoughts on “Red Responds: Is It Your Fault That They Cheated?”
I was in a relationship for 15 years and was happy for the first 9. It ended because of jelousy! My partner was jelous of my daughter! It know it sounds crazy but just the same it is the truth. I thought I was very good about balancing attention but I was wrong. I was in the middle all the time, spending time with my daughter and then my partner and back again. After 6 years of doing this I was completely emotionally exhausted. In the end I was forced to choose my daughter over my relationship! I will always choose my child! Lesson learned, do not be in a relationship with a self centered selfish person, male or female! Men get such a hard time when a lot of times, women can be just as self indulged! And I will not take responsibility for my partners actions!
You are stronger than you think! You dont need anyone or anyone elses money. Yes, its very tough to feel alone. Better to be on your own than with someone who uses you and drags you down. There are resources available for financial help. Seek out temporary help. Try a church even if youve never been there. People want to help. Meake the decision to take back your life. You only have one life that God gave you.
You CAN do it!
Love to you
Dear Red,
I have a very complicated and long story. I desperately need some guidance from you . I feel connected to you as I share the same nick name. Red, I married my sweetheart that I had been with since I was 15. I was young and overlooked many things I knew probably were not good. We did however have some good times. He is older than me and had a daughter when he was 18. So when I got together with him spending time with his daughter only bonded us closer together. We ended up marrying in 01′ and it was a tumultuous marriage. Long story short we had violent fights and I ended up getting addicted to pain meds. I was able to finally end that with hard work. I think he got used to me being weak and feeling guilty so that when I changed he did not like the ” new positive me”. We ended up getting pregnant which was a surprise and joy. He was happy at first. However, he started drinking very heavily and becoming very abusive to me and the kids. I started becoming more strong and not tolerating the abuse. So one day when he said he was going to work he drove off to Southern California to his Dad’s and never came back. He actually had been having an online romance with a very trouble way older woman. He then went to rock bottom. He has come back intermittently but can longer function or hold a job. He came back only to leave again for some weird woman. He no longer pays child support or anything. It has been 3 and a half years since he left. While I want nothing to do with him I feel I am unable to get over this because I haven’t had closure. I was not like we mutually decided to get divorced. I feel like I haven’t been able to say my peace. What makes it worse is that when I do speak to him he cannot even admit what he has done is so horribly wrong! It literally drives me crazy. I need to let go for myself and my son desperately. I need closure. It is horrible to walk around with this pain. What can I do to energetically release this? Can you see me moving on? Also I would love to have a good relationship with a man do you see me finding someone in the future? I need your help ! Thanks for your time.
With hope,
Taryne
this sounds good i’m ready for a now relationship.
Once upon a time I was married to a man, who behaved as your husband. He was selfish, self centered person. He had no dsiere to improve himself, to change or to grow he wxpected of me to love him, to read and fulfill his wishes 24/7
I spent 20 years with im, waiting that one day he will change, he will care about me, appreciate me and love me , insted he abused me
I waist 20 years of my lofe, but not comletely. I learn a lot, I become better stronger person, finally we divorced, I am happy to be free,, I learn to like myself
I hope one day i will meet a man who I deserve, nice loving, honest, respectful person
Let him go Robyn, enjoy your life, your kids, family, friend, hobbies
You deserve to be happy,
My Husband of 10 years left me for another woman from his work place – I’m his 6th wife and I’m getting a divorce because I can’t deal with my unhappiness and he always says it’s my fault for running away to see my folks – when it’s him that’s sending me away- Now that I filed for divorce he doesn’t think he should give me anything because it wasn’t mine to have.
He has left me broke and “NO” money and Health insurance – What do I do?
I might have to disagree with red on that , whenever a partner strays from the relationship it’s most definitely the fault of the other partner , Robyn mentioned that their sex life us not well at all and that she puts her kids needs above her husbands needs , this is wrong ur husband needs ur attention and ur care and love just as ur kids and even more it’s ur fault if he strays if u have provided him with the environment and shelter that a wife is supposed to provide fir her family then he wudnt have strayed , apparently he suffers from commitment issues since he was married two times before he met u , but since he committed to u , ur not trying hard to save ur marriage maybe u don’t love him enough to put an effort into ur marriage a keep him from straying so if u don’t love him enough to make him a priority and he’ll continue straying then better to break off the marriage , but if u love him ull try to change to save ur marriage .