Red Responds: The Trouble with Friends and Marriage

Shaun from North Rustico asks:

My wife and I just reconciled about three months ago. Since then she’s been communicating on a regular basis with several male “friends,” including her most recent ex-boyfriend. She’s also acquired two new chat buddies – also both males and old friends. She doesn’t share much of what I ask, and often seems quite defensive. She says they’re all just friends, but it seems she’s getting something from them that she isn’t getting from me – and it’s causing major issues in our relationship.

Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:

Dear Shaun,

I’m very sorry to have to confirm this, but you’re right. Your wife is definitely getting her ego boosted, and by maintaining and seeking out new relationships with other men she is, essentially, keeping her options open.

Your marriage is looking a bit on the complicated side. The two of you do love each other, but there is also an underlying essence of old and repeat issues that haven’t been dealt with. She thinks you can be too controlling, and she also thinks you want to change her. You think she’s pushing boundaries and needs to grow up a bit more. While you’re both right, addressing these issues is going to take a light but firm hand.

Your wife’s friendships are interfering in the healing of your relationship and marriage. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to see it that way. She becomes defensive because even she recognizes that not all of her male relationships and conversations are favorable to you or the marriage. You should be troubled, because it is a problem. Aside from getting her ego boosted, your wife looks at her male friends as guys she can talk with and get a male opinion. She believes that, in their own ways, they know and understand her in a way that you don’t. What she doesn’t want to take responsibility for is that she’s sharing things with them that she should be sharing with you.

If you really want your marriage to last, and the relationship to grow into something that is healthy and balanced, marriage counseling can greatly help both of you. Because of your wife’s ability to connect more fully with males than females, it seems as if the two of you would benefit more from a male therapist or counselor.

If you were to put your foot down, or give her a direct ultimatum regarding her associations and behaviors, you run the risk of losing your wife. She wants her marriage, and her friends, too. However, if you can’t get her to understand the consequences of her behavior so that she will change her ways of her own volition, she runs the risk of losing you.

Red

Do you have a question for Red? Ask Red your question now.