Love Him As Is or Leave Him?
Aura from San Diego asks:
I’m struggling with whether to stay in a relationship with a childhood friend/teenage sweetheart that I reconnected with a few years ago. His marriage and career ended. He lives where we grew up (the East coast), and I have lived on the West coast for 28 years now. We’ve seen each other, back and forth. He drinks too much beer everyday. He still seems to be recuperating from his past, and he believes I’m it. I love him and I care. However, I’ve been very unhappy with a lot of his behavior in the past two years. It sort of seems like a no brainer to leave. For me, it’s not so easy because of our history. He doesn’t seem to worry about us. Please share any insight you may have. Thanks!
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
Dear Aura,
You are very good person. You have to know that. But, you also have to accept that you cannot “save” someone who isn’t looking to better themselves. Even though there is a love bond that shows up between your boyfriend and yourself, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.
Your relationship with this man presents as severely imbalanced, and the person that it is hurting is you. Even though you do love him, the past couple of years have taken it’s toll on the “in love” with him aspect. You’re not getting what you’re asking for, which is causing you to hide behind history and justifications to make things “okay,” so you can hold on just a little longer. This pattern will continue as long as you permit it to.
You boyfriend doesn’t outwardly worry about the two of you, but he does worry. However, he is a little too busy feeling sorry for himself and his own situations to really share that with you. He believes that you will continue to be there for him, so he doesn’t share that side of his insecurities with you. You are part mother, part girlfriend. That’s a lot of pressure!
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that things aren’t going to change until you change them. It’s never easy to break away from someone you love, but sometimes you have to. I can tell you that this is not the man you will marry, nor is the one you will grow old with. At least not this version of him. The best you can hope for is that if you step back, he will see the light and pick himself up. Unless and until that happens, you are caught in the circle and cycles of an imbalanced relationship, that has really ceased to work for you.
For the most part, Aura, you are alone. Whether you choose to be alone with him, or without him, is ultimately up to you. But, when you’re hurting yourself to keep from hurting another (and you have been), the writing is pretty much on the wall. And, because your boyfriend really isn’t looking at the bigger picture, or seriously trying to correct or improve the areas of this relationship that have been discussed as troubling to you—what you see is really what you get. If you’re accepting of that, let your loyalty lead. But if you want to be true to yourself and your needs, you know what you have to do. While it won’t be easy, it also won’t be as hard as you fear. There is no right or wrong here, only what is right for you.
I hope this helps.
Brightest Blessings,
Red
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10 thoughts on “Red Responds: Why Love Is Not Enough”
I have been married twice. On the third one. I totally agree with Reed. Living alone is so much better than being in a relationship or marriage that you’re alone in, anyway. A person that gives too much, never gets anything back and is taken advantage of for being too passive. I am a Cancer and a nurse and tend to want to please my man, or fix him, and it just doesn’t seem to work.
thank you guy’s for the good comment .my feeling our broken the day I met her can’t love another one then her I now she is the one because it feel right to me god be whit me & her +children for the happiest life ever.you folk are awesome love you all take care and have a wonderful day bless you
well thats a sticky area! i would listen to red on this one !
Drinking isn’t the only vice that can ruin a relationship. I was married for a very long time to a man who put his mother first, and worked a second job (despite the fact that she was retired and also received other assistance). He allowed the 2nd job to take time from me, and worse yet, from our children. He entered into his 2nd affair (first one while returning in adulthood to take college classes) while he was supposed to be working the sideline job, and that is when I decided if we didn’t mean any more to him than that, then let the golddigger girlfriend finish taking him for whatever the courts left him with. Rumor has it that for him, the grass is not as green as he felt it would be. For me, I no longer have to worry about who he was trying to flirt/sleep with behind my back. And don’t have to be told his mom is more important than I am.
And what if this is much the case if you’re married? Divorce isn’t an easy thing at any point in time no matter how bad it may be.
I have the same situation but I do believe it is time for me to move on as I know in my heart as I have done some soul searching and this man does not know how to care for a woman he is very unbalanced in his life
find the strength aura
blessed be
This is a great article! I have spoken to many callers who hold on to a relationship that isn’t serving their needs, and I understand how hard it can be to let go. However, sometimes we have to accept the situation for what it is. Sure, it can be painful to let go, but it’s also painful to hold on to something that isn’t working.
It’s only by letting go of a poor relationship that we can free ourselves to find a good relationship.
Reed x5105
Aura, the same thing happened to me
He had a drinking problem which was the reason it didn’t work years ago.
I gave him am ultimatum, quit the alcohol or me. I was lucky. He quit and starting taking medication for his depression, and things have gotten much better.
Great advice Red !
dear Red , & i know that you are so super busy !! but this is elisabeth from powder springs ga AGAIN & i DO have a very good ?? to ask of you Red ?? … & this could be my x mas present & my b day present 2 Red !! if you could please & finally help me to be able to understand all of this better … or IT could be ?? if you would pretty please answer back 2 me about or by trying 2 help me out 2 better understand about the dating game ….. when your are facing a health scare crises now …. OR (1) that i have had almost since my birth but it has effected me 4 my whole entire life because of what my birth mom did 2 me as an infant because it has reaked such a havoc with it comes 2 my health issues IN my own life ! ( sorry & i was adopted by the BEST parent’s in the whole wide world & i am very blessed 2 have them both ++ they were still willing 2 take me while knowing all of my past medical history with my past as an infant & what was done 2 me as an infant ) BUT & i will not BE giving up ON hearing from you that does come along with all of your great wisdom that does come with in you & from you … so thank you & please Be blessed through out this holiday season … thank you AGAIN elisabeth from powdersprings ga !!