Sex Q&A: How to Be Sexually Confident

Sexual confidence shouldn’t depend on what a magazine says is sexy. Men are diverse in their likes and dislikes, so if you’re a tomboy, play that up and make it a sexy type of game.

Strong is Sexy!

Tolu from Maryland asks:

Hi, I have a problem showing my husband how I feel, sexually. How can I build that confidence? I want to be more girly than I am, but it’s hard because I act boyish. 

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Tolu, and thank you. To begin, I sense that you’re better at exuding feminine charm than you think. You possess many delightful attributes which, if honed and refined, can serve you well in your quest for sexual confidence and personal expression.

It seems to me that you are needlessly weighed down by the burden of media-driven images and a whole lot of nonsense that was heaped upon you while you were growing up. You know, stuff like “girls don’t sweat” and “young ladies don’t like getting dirty.” You spend a lot of time contrasting yourself with other women. That’s normal enough but the problem is there are precious few role models who showcase the kind of strength-oriented archetype you embody.

Close-minded folk accuse you of being masculinized but that’s only because they’re unfamiliar with the dominant, sometimes downright ferocious, aspects of the female nature. Thanks to their constant yammering, you have come to see yourself as some kind of mutant. I on the other hand, see you as an anachronism; a lady better suited to a nearly forgotten age when women defended camp and clan right alongside the men—an age when a strong woman was far more valuable than some dainty thing who probably wouldn’t survive the winter much less the rigors of child birth. A lot of this silliness is purely cultural.

Our American concept of femininity is a far cry from how such things are perceived in say, parts of Africa, for example. Believe me, what Hollywood and 5th Avenue tell women men like is very often not what men like at all. Standing as you do in the majestic company of Grace Jones, the battle goddess Scotia, Queen Boudicca and Xena Warrior Princess, let me assure you, there are tons of guys out there who would dig what you have to offer. You don’t know it, because they don’t show it, because your total lack of confidence makes you very unapproachable.

You’re ill at ease with your husband, yourself and everybody else because you’ve been made to think you’re not sexy. So you’re not kitten-soft and frilly. Big deal. Men are a good deal more diverse in their likes and dislikes than Cosmo magazine would have you think. You need to shore up that wounded self-image by focusing on your core strengths. Don’t be shy about your preference for physical pursuits and athletic endeavors; just be sure to concentrate on body work that encourages tone and sleekness rather than bulk. Dancing is a great workout. It’s also a very feminine, yin-centered activity. Hatha Yoga is another challenge for the body that flows with a more feminine vibe. As for that concept of female beauty so different from your own that seems to be embedded in your psyche, it’s time to start asking yourself where it came from. Who put it there? And who keeps reinforcing it? Whatever’s in your life telling you you’re not soft enough, not sweet enough, not enough period, it’s high time to kick it to the curb.

Remember, this is your trip. The very worst thing you can do is try and submerge your core identity for the sake of being something you’re not. If anything, I’d say play up that tomboy image with cut-off jeans and tight t-shirts. Then hit the bedroom running. Tell that husband of yours that you’re a strong woman who needs a strong man for some forceful lovemaking. That should get his attention. And I think you’ll both be very pleasantly surprised.

Liam

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