Jennifer writes:
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over a year. He is not very sexual and I am. In the beginning we were very passionate, then financial stress in his life made him withdraw. Since then he has remained withdrawn and I need to really coerce him for any affection. When I succeed, it is wonderful for both of us. I do not want to leave him when he needs support, but I need a relationship with more affection. What is really going on in his mind?
Jennifer,
You ask such an excellent question here, and I thank you. I sense that you really are very taken with this sensitive man, and in return, I feel he is far more smitten with you than he pretends. He is lucky to have such a vibrant and passionate woman in his life, and deep down he’s fully aware of this. There are a few issues involved in this scenario that need to be addressed.
First and foremost, disregard any fears that this man has a lack of attraction or passion for you. In the beginning, he practically devoured you with his hunger, and if such passion existed in the beginning, then it can be resurrected. A lack of initial passion, however, is never repairable. Also, you tell me that when he finally relents and makes love to you, you are both pleased and contented as true lovers should be. So I see what the real problem is here, and we can fix it easily.
The two of you are really not as mismatched as you think, but you must understand that all relationships work in cycles. Sometimes one partner is dominant while the other is submissive. One partner acts as the hunter and the other is the prey. Other times, both may be equally matched
in ardor and stamina. Sometimes one lover feels lazy and languid, growing a little plump and tender, while the other lover remains demanding and hard to the touch. All of this is very, very normal.
In your life, your man is feeling dejected and lost in his mind-numbing profession. He feels very unappreciated and unattractive to the world. So when he sees how you pursue him — how you want and even beg for his affection — he feels good about himself again. He feels empowered. He has control over something … he has control over you. By approaching him this way you make him feel special in a world where he feels very small most of the time.
My advice to you is to try to stop taking his rejections as a blow to your self-esteem. See his games for what they are and treat them as silly nonsense from a silly boy. Continue playing your role of initiator, to change now would only hurt his already damaged self-esteem. But, be demanding — not supplicating.
Instead of bothering him, simply state that you desire his touch. If he resists, shrug and take up some other task. Don’t give him too much energy here. Don’t fight or complain — but at the same time — keep pressuring him, subtly coercing with will and not with nagging. Once you are in bed, dominate him. He wants this … indeed he needs it right now. Most importantly you need to boost his self-esteem in order to break his habits.
Outside of the bedroom, stroke his ego and inflate his self-image as much as possible. If a man feels good about himself, he will want to chase and capture. If he doesn’t have high self esteem, he’ll need someone to master him for a spell. As he builds himself up, he’ll feel more potent, and then naturally move to usurp your authority in bed. Not an unpleasant little game to play, is it?
Be well.
Liam
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