Sex Q&A: Boost Your Sexual Confidence

One reader is so self-conscious about her body and how she’ll perform in bed that she’s still a virgin. That’s what’s holding her back. Psychic Liam advises that sex is not a performance you put on for somebody else to judge. Read-on to find out Liam’s advice for how her sexual encounters should go.

Become a Rock Star in Bed!

Vivian from Beverly Hills, California writes:

I am 22 and a virgin. I always think I would be terrible in bed, because I am so self-conscious. My boyfriend thinks I need help. He doesn’t even know how my nipples look. How do I stop this? It’s ruining my chances of having a stable relationship.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Vivian. You know, an awful lot of women in America seem to be suffering from sexual self-consciousness and performance anxiety. And who can blame them? Body issues are foisted on them virtually from the cradle. They’re belittled and insulted if they don’t look like the airbrushed, surgically-altered creatures exhibited by mainstream media on television and in magazines and they’re expected to perform like porn stars in the bedroom. It’s a wonder any of them manage to maintain any degree of healthy self-esteem. Your case may feel extreme to you but I’m very sure most women can relate on some level to your experience. In our current culture, women (and men too, for that matter) are still such victims of underlying puritanical conditioning.

No matter how liberated people seem, very few ever get to experience satisfying sexual encounters unencumbered by a myriad of insecurities. Like most of us, you had very few positive experiences related to sex early on. You lived in an atmosphere of body/pleasure repression and I also sense that you were surrounded by overly critical role models and peers. None of this was your fault. You didn’t choose the crappy program they shoved into your hard drive. So, the first thing you need to do is give yourself a break. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid of things you were taught to fear. And there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at 22… or 32… or 62… Not if that’s either a lifestyle you consciously choose or if you just aren’t ready to move into other territory. It’s your body… your sex… your pleasure. These things do not belong to any boyfriend, nor is it the right of society to determine for you what is normal.

From what I see, there’s a lot of hope in your situation. Even though negative early programming and social indoctrination is a real bitch to overcome, one of the surest ways to bust those old molds is with new hormonal imprints. In other words, there are ways to alter unhealthy patterns into healthy patterns we like better. Your energy vibrates with the well-known shy librarian archetype, so why not make that work for you? Immerse yourself in seeing the world as a place full of carnal wonder and adventure and embrace the experience of it from your own virginal perspective? Instead of fighting your fear, make it an ally in what will be an erotic quest of self discovery. Stop worrying so much about what your boyfriend needs and find out what you like yourself. Concentrate on your own fantasies. Make your own solo expeditions. I had a female friend tell me once that in order to ever find pleasure with another, she had to know what she liked first. And she was so right. So you’re afraid of being bad in bed… Who cares if you are? Most twenty-two year olds are bad in bed. They think they’re good because they believe youth equals ability but they’re very much mistaken. At your age, you’re supposed to be awkward and nervous. What you have to do is get rid this notion that sex is some kind of a performance you put on for somebody else to judge. Though that may feed petty male fantasies of power, in truth, it always leads to frustration and resentment over time. My last best advice, Vivian, is just take your time. Enjoy the moment whatever it holds and let everything else fall away. You’ll do just fine.

Liam

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