Sex Q&A: Can the Good Guy Win the Woman?

She’s on the rebound from a tough divorce and you’ve fallen in love. Learn to see the bigger picture and whether or not your relationship will work.

The Nice Guy Can Win in Time

Al from Belvidere, Illinois asks:

I befriended a woman, not physically, and we just spending time together going out – essentially I consoled her through a rough divorce. Now she’s telling me that we need to limit our conversations for a while while she pulls herself together, but we still talk. She seems distant at times, but doesn’t shut me out, and she still initiates contact with me. I’ve connected emotionally with her, but feel lost as to where to go. I realize it was probably wrong to let my emotions get out of control with a woman not ready for a relationship, but now I’m here. Should I hang tough or remain friends and find someone new? She’s a Leo, and I’m a Scorpio.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Al. This is indeed quite a quandary you’ve managed to get yourself into, filled with variable layers of changing perceptions and abundant sexual tension. Not a bad little pursuit for a Scorpio male. And I see that like others of your sign, you are quite clever and harbor very few illusions about the current situation. You understand the danger of being fitted too neatly into the dreaded “friend” category by the American female. For some reason, Western culture has taught women to be adverse to nice guys and they often cannot seem to find a great deal of desire for men who treat them well… Go figure…Of course I generalize, but you get my meaning. I know your fear of being typecast and why you have it. Right now, you’re thinking that it might have been better if you had seduced her outright during her vulnerable stage and then vanished for six months. Indeed if you had, she’d very likely be writing your name with hers in hearts right now. Unfortunately, against all your better judgment, you are a nice guy. That’s just you. You’re an idealist to boot. In spite of some hard-luck experience, you really want to believe there are women out there who will forgo all the mystique and intrigues of the “players” in order to enjoy the honest affections of a genuine man with a good nature. Women who would prefer as Mickey Rooney once advised anyone looking for a real commitment, to marry their best friend. I salute you, because believe it or not, such women do exist. In fact, I think you might have actually found one.

In looking at the lady you desire, I sense several conflicting emotions, but her core personality feels solid to me. Her need to communicate with you less appears to have developed out of a fear that you might be getting too attached. After all, she’s no fool. She’s well aware of your feelings for her. And one might assume that she is easing you away to lighten the pain of eventual rejection. But we men must always remember as we pursue our heart’s desire, that women are not like us… They don’t fall in love as quickly. They have to have time to let that sort of feeling develop. I’m afraid that as your friendship grew, your lady began to fear her feelings for you. Her divorce is still fresh, and as she started wondering what it might be like for the two of you together, her mind became riddled with gloomy forecasts, trust issues, and ugly images of being humped and dumped. Letting yourself fall in love with your best friend is a key to all the happiness that can be had in this life. But it is also the greatest risk a person can ever take. You either win it or loss it all, and she just isn’t ready to face that kind of gamble.

Now, don’t beat yourself up over becoming attached to a woman on a major rebound. Once smitten, we poor males have very little power over such matters. From what I see, your lady is a real lady and a true prize to be won. Her bitter experiences have brought her maturity. We must understand her issues and be patient with them. So, here’s your mission. You are to go forth and win this lady for yourself. She’s afraid, and she doesn’t trust men, so don’t become one more reason for that outlook by failing her as a friend. Instead, be the reason for her to find faith again. Be forthright and honest about your intentions, but respect her boundaries and her space. If she insists on friendship only for a time, bow low in acceptance of her wishes, because it’s the lady who dictates the dance. One day you will win her, when she’s ready. In the meantime, just be her friend and live your life well. Go ahead and date some wild women, have adventures, and write that novel you’ve always meant to write. Just don’t give up on her. Set it in your mind that you will have her and have her you will. With honor, as a gentleman should.

Liam

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