Sex Q&A: Chase or Be Chased?

Brandy from Glen Burnie, Maryland asks:

I was in a long relationship. My husband and I separated, and I didn’t want a relationship anytime soon. About two months after the breakup, I found someone I was attracted to. I left it alone for about two months, and then I ran into him again. I spoke to him briefly, and then a month later my sister told him that I liked him. He immediately wanted to get to know me.

We dated for six weeks and had an amazing relationship. Then out of the blue, he cut me out of his life. He stopped calling, answering my calls or texts and changed his number. I know he has a lot of stress on him right now like me. After his last relationship, he doesn’t trust females. He said I was the first girl he has dated in two years. There was such a strong bond built so quickly between us that I truly felt this would be something that would last.

The only way I could talk to him would be to go to his job, and I don’t want to do that because I feel that I would be stalking him. I truly feel that he was brought into my life for a reason. I just wish I knew what is wrong, what I need to do for closure or to reassure him that I really want to be with him. I know he has feelings for me also, but I’m stuck.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Brandy. The pursuit of love can be a heart-wrenching and confusing process. Social conditioning and bad relationship programming often erode the natural hardwiring that’s supposed to help us successfully express ourselves in the Theater of Desire. Love is cruel. Love is torturous. It’s a dire concoction containing both the most delirious of liqueur and the most poisoned of nectars. The lady who understands this can move with her own internal goddess, knowing that she must never play nice. To help you understand, allow me to take you on a little journey into the inner workings of The Chase. It will illustrate what went wrong with this relationship so you can avoid future disasters.

The problem started the minute your sister told this man you liked him. It sounds harmless, even helpful. But what she actually did was make you sexually available to him in thought. Sound extreme? Not in a man’s mind. The second a man finds out a girl “likes” him, he puts her in the “totally available” column. He doesn’t have to work hard. He’ll never have to chase her. From the outset, you had no allure… no mystique. For a man to be interested over the long-term, he needs to place a high value on the woman he’s trying to get. He has to pine for her; see her as a treasure to be won. For her part, a woman has to allow a man to strut, to prove his worth and impress her. Since you were already won, there was no ritualistic mating dance to be done… Just the mating.

Always it’s the chase that matters. During that time, subconscious ardour is built. Men need time to place a potential mate in an archetypal category suitable to long-term effort. The object of his affection becomes a bewitching queen, a fairy princess, a haunting forest nymph always luring him inward… And once she is that in his mind, she will always be that in his mind even after they’ve made love a thousand times. That initial imprinting is absolutely vital. It’s what makes sure that after sex he remains enamored.

In your case, none of that ever happened. You speak of having a six-week relationship, but no one has an actual relationship in six weeks. You were fresh out of a marriage. He could see you as a sexually available wife and it was fun to play house for a while. After all, you’re very charming and attractive. However, that didn’t make him value you. The romantic phase began too soon for the two of you, and all the sexual tension was lost. Like any male, once the conquest was made, he got bored and moved on.

It’s too late to change any of this now. As for approaching him for “closure” I say absolutely not. You’ve given him enough; keep your dignity. Seeking the counsel of a sophisticated sexual intuitive might give you a plan for attracting his attention once more. But it would be a long, involved process, and readings with sensual technicians aren’t for everyone. It would probably be best if you chalked this one up to a hard, much needed lesson and let it go. Grieve. Heal. Go a little mad with it all. Above all, expand. With sorrow comes wisdom.

Liam

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