Sex Q&A: He Cheated, Not Me

How to Keep Cheating Accusations From Getting You Down!

Jamila from San Bernardino, California asks:

My ex of eight years accused me of cheating, when he was the perpetrator. And the harder I tried to dispel his accusation (I took a lie detector test and passed, and he still didn’t believe me), the more guilty I looked. We have been broken up for six months now. He is with someone else, and was before I left. I can’t seem to let go, because it bothers me that he has this terrible perception of me. Will the truth ever be revealed?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Jamila, and thank you for writing. Your plight illustrates exactly how people use supposed moral objections to justify their desires. You and your ex obviously subscribe to very limited paradigms regarding human sexuality. People do not “cheat” in human relationships… People have sex. People have passions and temptations and poetry and midnight mist. Cheating is the domain of card players and tax evaders. As for what your boyfriend did, it’s easy enough to explain when you see it for what it was: the actions of a first-rate hypocrite. This man is an emotional coward who uses “morality” to get his own way. He never really believed that you were the type who would stray when the two of you were together. But when he became interested in another woman, he began to concoct this bizarre delusion concerning your fidelity as a way to justify his determination to break up with you in order to be with her. In other words, rather than risk having to make any alterations to his own tidy beliefs about his superior self, he lied to himself then set out to convince himself that lie was absolutely true.

People spend an enormous amount of time and energy talking themselves into the things they want. In your case, your idiot ex had to utterly convince himself and everyone else of your guilt in order to eradicate any guilt he might ever feel about taking another lover. Now, he has the girl he wants, and will tell anyone who will listen just how right he was to break up with you. And the hell of it is, he really believes it. That’s how we big apes do things.

But my main concern isn’t your ass of an ex… it’s you. That you actually took a polygraph test to try and satisfy this creep is a concept I find deplorable and horrifying. I don’t care if you were totally innocent or had slept with every sailor in Her Majesty’s Fleet… to subject yourself to such a thing for the sake of another’s approval is humiliating beyond belief. You really need to ask yourself why this man’s… or any man’s… approval should mean so much to you. I’d suggest getting some guidance in the matter from a reputable therapist or counselor of some sort. And stay away from men for a time. Make issues of faith more of a priority for a while. As for your ex, I say good riddance to him. You deserve so much better.

Liam

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