Your boyfriend is an accomplished lover and wants you to explore a more open sexual relationship, but you hesitate. Do you not trust him or yourself? What would happen if you liked it? Psychic Liam explores the answers to these questions in one reader’s scenario.
Connect to Your Inner Sex Diva
Laurelle from San Francisco, California asks:
My boyfriend calls me his goddess and wraps me in his creative, amazing, powerful and loving erotic energy. We’ve known and worked with each other for many years, and we finally got together about two and a half years after my husband died. It felt like I was being reborn into who I was always meant to be and who I had sequestered away during the many years of marriage.
My boyfriend has a history of living the lifestyle, swinger parties and sex clubs. The only other girlfriend I know of was/is a friend of mine who broke up with him over fifteen years ago. Whenever another woman in his life comes into conversation he always says, “She wasn’t my girlfriend.” So I guess they were sex friends. We’re finally starting to talk about it. I let him know it makes me feel insecure when I think about going to parties or clubs where everyone is having sex with people they barely know. He says he doesn’t even think about it anymore and nothing could be better than what we have. But he’ll take me to demystify it. We can just go to watch and leave when I want to. Then he said it would turn him on to watch me have sex with another man. It would give him a sense of power knowing that I’m his and coming back to him. So that gave me an erotic fantasy, but I can’t let go of feeling scared of him having sex with another woman. So I keep playing it over and over in my head. What do you suggest I do to settle my anxiety?
Liam’s Response:
Greetings and thank you for such a fascinating inquiry. The term “anxiety” is an apt one for you to use in this case, because what you are feeling is not actually “fear.” Not in the natural or primal sense of the word anyway. It has nothing to do with instinct or the drive for survival. It’s merely a mind-induced replica; a sort of queasy panic that has no true merit or vital substance. In the voice of your concerns, I hear two or three very specific and deeply ingrained social memes; ideas drummed into you by culture, religion and authority. They urge you to define the most indefinable of things. To fit your every relationship and emotion into its own rigid little box with a clearly printed label on top. But in the purest energy of our existence, to define is always to limit.
When I look at him, this man you are with, he reminds me of the man from Mars in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. I see in him a man who understands the alchemical nature of existence. His past has given him an exquisite education in love making; a delicate and frantic form of enlightenment that graces many in the subterranean tribal movements that pulse just below the surface of our socially ingrained servitude. He knows that the slavery of perception can be eradicated because he has done it himself through exploration, pleasure and the breaking of taboos. But it can only be done by embracing the body over the mind. You speak of people who barely know each other having sex, and this makes you feel insecure. I hear the veiled judgment in your words. This may be hard for you to understand, but one adept at love, one who knows the body and its energies, will know more about their partner in a few moments of “having sex” with them than a vanilla-type might ever discover in years of being married to that same person. The blinders come off when the mind gives way to the flesh. Rationalization bows to instinct. And fear is embraced because love in terror is our purest ally in nature.
This man is not like anyone else in your world, but I see that he does indeed love you. He’s making an attempt to fit himself into your lifestyle now, because he believes you’re worth the effort. But he’s also opening certain doors, trying to give you the hint that if he’s going to meet you half way, then perhaps you might wish to reciprocate. Fair is fair, after all. He’s being very gentle, but his invitation to take you to a club is made in the hope that you might like some of what you see there. And his admission of his fantasy for you to make love to another man, is a great confession; a gesture of genuine love.
My advice? You are more than the memes you have been taught to honor; more than the stagnant ideals and definitions of society. You have found a rare mate who wants to lead you in a remarkable dance… Why not give it a try? We are gone from this earth very quickly. Do you want to spend what time you are given worrying, or living? Choice is yours.
Liam
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29 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Would You Have Sex with a Stranger?”
To some of the other readers:
I think that you are doing it wrong if you say JUST having sex with a couple of strangers.
Sex is always spiritual!
Why aren’t you able to love another for what they are just because you do not know him/her?
What is wrong with you?
I assume that in engaging multiple new beings, you set your soul wide open and have sex exchanges with the ones who you connect with.
I imagine there are indeed the obsessed, empty, troubled shells among them but I assume you can avoid these if you fully respect your inner being.
i love my guy so much but he cheats and when i found out from one of his text messages, he rather got annoyed that i created a problem. i don’t know where i went wrong, it really borders me a lot
Follow YOUR inner wisdom, Laurelle. Only then can you decide if something is right for you ….. or not.
Lian, some wise words for you, but you do not need much…more for angry readers, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr.Seuss
very well said sir Liam*
I enjoy reading your post most and try to pull from it and reflect what I can from my own relationship with my sons father whom my encounter with and calling down was the pure dance of love and innocence and raw passion… but i have faultered a create of fear that when i met my match , I suddenly turned into the being that was jealouse and afraid to share or end up being the rejected one… and now i stand alone…. with a little one at my side and everything has changed and there isnt room for fire spinning partys running naked on the beach… if you read this please contact me… i need to consult with you but dont have the funds to do so
What the heck kind of advice is this? This is supposed to be coming from a professional?! I can’t believe what I’m hearing. No wonder the world is like it is today and there is so much divorce! That is called a sex addiction and manipulation! True genuine love and intimacy is for two people in a relationship, and loving one another as God intended it to be. It is not having sex with multiple partners while having a girlfriend or boyfriend and being in a relationship. Genuine love means you love the person you are with and hold that union and bond sacred and special. It is not fulfilling all those things with other people too that you don’t know. True intimacy is trusting each other, having healthy boundaries and exploring with each other in order to grow spiritually and create an even more loving bond just between the two of you. If you have to get other outside factors and swingers and stuff, then you are not ready for a healthy committed adult relationship. That is called manipulation to satisfy one’s own selfish urges he still has, and all that stuff gets a relationship into trouble. Sacrifice, compromising, learning and growing between the two of you is what a relationship is about, and true genuine sustainable healthy love would never consider or even want to see their partners with someone else. Again, that is simply what you call manipulation and freaky people. If they want to continue to have sex with many people, they are mixed up in their heads and have no sense of what is morally right from wrong and are desensitized from marriage. That is not real love and intimacy. If nothing could be better than what the two of you have like he says, than why on earth would you even need to do that stuff, and why on earth would he even be asking in the first place if you already have it so great?! He’s a manipulator, and it sounds like he tells you what you want to hear so he can manipulate you into doing other things that he likes, even when you feel and know it is not right. Trust your own insticts and intuition. They will not steer you wrong! If you do give into his crazy lifestyle, it will lead to more and you will be opening up a can of worms. He will then be asking you to do all kinds of crazy things. Then, you will start to be confused amongst yourself, and mentally and spiritually it will do a number on you and you will be drained and not know who you are anymore. And sooner or later you will be like those freaks where everyone goes around and does whatever they want to while in relationships, where there are no boundaries and everyone is so crazy and messed up, and where people can’t even tell the difference anymore from superficial love to real intimacy and love. What is a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy relationship? Will you see the difference? No wonder married couples that stay together and married and committed is so rare to see these days. Look at what kind of warped minds are out there and the crap they want to get away with? And what people allow to go on in their relationships? Talk about messed up! It sounds like Laurelle is a lot smarter than that, and she should stand on her ground. Her boyfriend needs some growing up and counseling to do big time, because he has sex addictions, and more than likely, this stemmed from how he was raised. I hope you can see the light Laurelle. He needs a freak just like him, and his behavior won’t change anytime soon. You deserve much better!
Dump this loser….. QUICKLY!!! He is BORED with you and looking to go back to his swinging ways and dragging you along with him. Do you REALLY want to f$ck a stranger???? Watch HIM have a GREAT time with another chick???? Who might be prettier, sexier, BETTER than you??? Howz that makin’ you feel already????? Think about HIV much???? Anonymous friggin’ sex is SO four decades ago…. tell him to take a hike and find a man who would not DARE ‘share” you because he is jealous – because he LOVES and RESPECTS you! Hey Answer man – spoken like a typically horny loser – good call, you freak…
I felt like Liam was talking directly to me. I have the same dilemma, a friend who has grown into much more, who would like to see me do the same. My social background and upbringing have told me it is wrng, but my body and primal instincts tell me there is nothiong wrong. Thank you Liam.
Liam ,from all d advice u’ve given above,u’Re truly a satan-worShipper! How can u advise dat d lady in question explore her partner’s sexual fantasy of slpin wit anoda man n goin home wit him? ? r devil worshipper..
Sorry Liam,
the ideas of “FREE LOVE” would not fit into the American culture which is rooted deeply into the religion and authority . It is just against the middle class American mentality of the
” therapeutically feeling good about yourself. I think , here, we even would not have many comments on this topic because of too edgy”( I mean scandalous) nature of your article . But it is always refreshing to find someone who expresses no bond to majority . Great article, Liam.
(mother of two, married over 26 years)
Uh, once again no mention is made of the health consequences of just “letting go” with people you hardly know. I’m in the medical field, and believe me , there are lots of reasons why you should still be careful. Safe sex did not go out of fashion!!!! There are people out there who are concerned with only the instant gratification and the momentary thrill, that doesn’t necessarily mean they truly love you! Be careful.
Laurelle,
I had a very similar experience 2 years ago. Was married 20 years, divorced, had a new boyfriend with a very different (to me) outlook on sex. My marriage was “vanilla” for sure! There was no doubt that my BF loved me, I was scared but chose to trust. It took time but we explored websites, books, each other and finally ended up at a swingers party. Ultimately we broke up for other reasons but I will always be grateful that he helped me find my sexuality. I’m free…..I only have sex with my current boyfriend….but my soul is free. I’m no longer afraid of my sexuality or anyone elses. Sexuality is at our core being and I found when that was no longer suppressed neither was anything else! I laugh louder and more often, I enjoy life more, I fear less. I’m better at being me. The parties I attended was ALL married couples. There was no jealousy or fear. The couples I spoke with said it helped make their relationships stronger. It’s the ultimate trust, if you love something, you set it free. Sounds like your BF wants that for you. I would encourage you to take a deep breath and take a peek at what’s on the other side of the door. I am not currently in the “lifestyle” but my inner Diva is alive and well! Best wishes to you.
I have brought home a spirit of a person I used to date when I was young
He is still alive and I have have the message thru dreams for the last twenty years to be a a certain spot at a certain time to me ….I feel him when he is near me….I waited til the time was over then 2 hours mour..then I took the train back…I went down the up stairs..hit a very tall man in plaid shirt…he was running I was looking down…i have vision problems …..and I was completely crushed…but I left for my home which is about 6000 miles away…but I had a different sense about me after that
I felt I had someone in my head…and many sexual thought going though…that thevr happen bsfore i had been confined to bed for the last 2 years and I was still waiting for surgery…believe me the las thing I would be thinking of was sex.
but everymorning at 8:3 in the mornid i would feel him near me for about 15 minutes and the it was gone and exactly at 4.30 it was hapning again this happened for the first 2 month while I was there now it was almost constant……I was in a dither….but I came home…and things started to quiet down…for thr the first year…but the second year he started to make noise like walking heavily clapping of hands…now he jumps on my bed…and now he is shaking the sheets before I get into bed….He Is now insisting we will be married later in the futer…how do yo like that one…and I have even seen the is person in 40 years but I see him if I close my eyes….he’s at work or at home or driving his car….I see things all the time I am used to that…but living with what I call an upper spirit is making me a little guilitly…I do have a lovely hubby…for 38 years…this other chap my mom broke us up…I know he is my soul mate….and welive 6000 miles apart the chances of ever meeting again is I’d say completely impossible….do you think I am going a little nuttly
jo-Ann
Liam,
Ever hear of STDs?
lIAM: iF YOUR APPROACH TO sex (AND love???) WOULD BE FOLLOWED, THERE WOULD BE MAYHEM WITH A HUGE ESCALATION IN HIV AIDSs< ABORTIONS, BROKEN MARRIAGES AND LEFT-ADRIFT CHILDREN.
Yes I once had a boyfriend. He was my everything I ever wanted.
He was living in Boston because he was in the navy and his ship
was being uverhaulled for about a year or so. But little did I know he was a mama’s boy. I spoke to her on the phone when he phoned her every Sunday. She seemed worried and demanding
of hi. And I just didn’tt like her for some reason. We went out for a long time. We enjoyed everything. I was a voluenteer at the USO
when I met him. But then he wanted to end the relationship. He
claimed e met someone back home. See his home was PA. In a
little town outside Pittsburg PA. I never heard from him. I wouldn’t
doubt it if he is married. Ijust ewant clousure. But there wernt any. Do you think there is a chance he might find me someday? I just
want to hear his voice bu I would never want to call him. At one
time back in the day I said I think we we should other people and said no and started crying his eyes out and I really liked him so I took a chance and see what ended up with. Only sad memories,
I know that happened a long time time ago but I can’t stop thining about him. I have had other relationships with a few marrige proposels but I always wanted it to be like him and they just didn’t
match up to him. Could you tell me if I might hear from him? I think he tried to contact me but i am not sure.
Can you help me
Desprate in MA
Thanks Liam, Do what you love and love what you do:) The preceding is the ultimate enlightenment factor for me. Excellent article as usual. You brought it all together!
Dear Liam
I have found your advice usually interesting and deeply thought out. However, I sense your own perceptions and values coming out in response to the woman who wrote you this email. The main clue is describing heterosexual sex as “vanilla” which I understand is the swingers mantra against monogamy. So it seems you support swinging yourself and that belief system is seeping into this email under the guise of how deep this guy is. I don’t think he’s deep, I think he’s selfish.
I really believe her sexuality belongs to herself with her own level of comfortableness. I feel you’re attributing all these high minded psychic beliefs to some guy who really sounds like A PLAYER. Maybe he wants to give monogamy or one woman a try but it reads to me as if he wants it both ways. To know she is committed to him (as he mentioned it would make him feel powerful that she would come back to him) while at the same time conditioning her (as a pimp does) he’s trying to break into hooking (swinging), by taking her to just “watch” and leave when she wants to – giving her the impression she has control and if she crosses to the other side it was her decision – ultimate manipulations.
Also this free thinking guy, would he be so “free” as to do a threesome where she gets two other men!? Swinging sounds free but really from what I’ve heard it is simply an agreement to threesomes where men get two women and marriage as well – ho hum, typical, self-serving! It is sexuality that is NOT OPEN, or available to intimacy. He most likely has no idea what a real partnership is. I have been approached by guys who want to “swing” with me and it is very clear to me they are selfish, self-serving and really have no interest in MY sexuality or needs.
He, the man/child she writes about really is a manipulative child. I think these types also get a “high” from corrupting a woman to their way of sexual thinking. I believe from her email he into power, control and manipulation no matter how subtle. She even relates he uses the word “power.” There is no place for power with real intimacy. For me swingers are like bored children using a cheap way to not face issues in the main relationship and it actually blocks intimacy, closeness and growth as people and a couple. Often, I have read in psychology books many of these people are in fact sex addicts – more food for thought.
Thank you for hearing me out.
A great way to continue adding STD’s to people on the planet. You call this love? I call it bordom, and nothing is sacred about this at all. It makes me sick to read the response to this blog. Dump this guy and get one who respects himself and you!
Are you kidding me Liam!!!!!! I cannot believe you gave Laurelle from San Fransisco that advice ” to go head and meet him half way and try it”… And seriously you think it is a true gesture of love that he wants to fulfill a sick sexual fantasy by watching his woman have SEX not MAKE LOVE as you stated, with some other man????? Genuine love is knowing you have the person of your dreams who fulfills you spiritually, mentally and physically and you do not want to SHARE them with no one!!!! I work in a sex shop part time and I see it all the time. The men get bored in there relationship and convince their partner to go to a swingers club, and she ends up physcologically scarred!!!! I’ve even had some men leave their partners and the reason being is ” well if she really loved me she would not have agreed in the first place”, even though it was his suggestion or fetish if you will! They think they want it or that they can watch it but after it happens they too get emotionally scarred! To each their own the only way that works is if two people BOTH agree and BOTH want it and feel comfortable doing it! So if Laurelle reads this DO NOT DO IT just to please him! Be your own person stand your ground if this issue is giving you anxiety then tell him to stop suggesting it. If he truly loves you then then surely he would want to do whatever makes you truly happy!
Hi Liam, I am not a blogger but when I see your name I automatically smile. You are an exceptional person. Too bad you live at the other end of the world. I could talk (well to begin with) to you for hours…………..Love Aida from The Netherlands
What about STD’s in the above letter?
i read carefully the above story of this woman and i think what she needs is to be careful in choosing a man and not just go with someone she does not even know.Remember,sexual desire is just a short happiness,you use your head and not just to follow your hearts,sometimes our hearts misleading us.There must be love.
i just have to say that watching her make love to another man is not what is actually happening here. it is having sex with another man… big difference.
swinging is not a loving experience – it is a sexual experience.
yes people love to swing but loving is not swinging, it is sex.
opening doors very slow and easy would make the mulit partner exp. less anxious. maybe one couple or person at a time, someone you actually know and like.
it can be fun – however it does lead to lifestyle that could be more than what you bargined for. if you did not like it would your man settle for just you?
also remember you are his first love, it might be a totally different experience with you and he might not want to continue on that path now that he has found love.
WoW, i read this Psychic respondce to your question . Unless i miss read or am understanding it wrong I must be . I dont think this lady shoud go have sex with a stranger while ehr boyfreind. “BOYRFRIEND” watches..that is very cheap. this woman said she had lost her husband an was dating this man. there is no comiment here..just dating. If he really cared for her he would be more then a boyfreind or only dating her why should she go out an have sex with jsut anyhow so this man can stand and watch? I dont think there is anything sexy about that it lesses her worth makes her trashy an i would guess after wards she would feel just like that. How could her guy ever see her as anything special knwoing thay she would let anyone sleep with ehr he has nothing special. He sounds like a looser to me. I get teh impression he has been with many ladies..I dont find that sexy or interesting at all..i find that gross..an i wouldnt want any part of him touching me or in any part of me either. I would think him dirty,,,an easy. I read this article an i wasnt going to say anything but this Psychic i am surprised would say what he said..I havent ever heard a good psychic ever suggest everyone run around an have sex with who ever..jsut becasues its fun an sexy. GROSS. The impression i got from reading the responces given was that the psyccgic..is maybe a younger person? SO he might see things from a younger mans veiws an not the middle class middle age views? not sure but..i sure hope this lady just takes in consideration the suggested this man suggests an then makes her own decitions . I myself dont think ..once she would do this for this BOYFRIEND i dont think he would ever see her the saem way again i would bet she will feel less of her self an he will also see her in a differnt less posittive light. he i would guess would dump her with in the next few months to a year after. I had a girlfreind who her man ask the same of her..this man was cheap in all ways you could think of that word. He wanted to date me But he is in no way my type of man. I like men with class an respect themselves an wwho respect me. I think sex is for only two people who care deeply for eachother. I think fantacies are great..but they should stay just that. you can share your thoughts..if you choose but some times its best to keep some secretes to yourself also. There are amny tthings you can do in the sex department. the sex/love stores have alot of differnt ideas an things to try jsut for the people to exsplore together. Alot of people do things they later regrete the things is once its done you cant ever go back..so make sure you handle the regrete you might feel afterwards if going to step over the line. See ..you know how you said he wants you to be with another man..but it would drive you crazy or you would worry he would want to be with another woman. what do you think would be next? usualy things keep going once you take one step in wrong direction its like a snowball it will keep rolling. Of courses he will want to have another woman he always have that image of you an that other man in his head..once you do that it wont ever go away…for either of you two. Of course this is just my thoughts on the whole thing. I wouldnt ever do..that I dont think a man who LOVES you ..for more then jsut a sex partner would ever want you to be with another man i think he would hate the idea..just like you hate the idea of him witth another lady.I think him wantting this of you ..should show you he doesnt really care an if i was you i would walk ..dump him an find a man who loves you an wants you all to himself.
(just my thoughts on the whole thing).
Liam I usually find your advice and attitude very enlightening except for this one. I’m quite familiar with the lifestyle, although have not participated in it myself. This all sounds great in words. I have seen many couples break up in these sort of situations. Fantasy is wonderful but can have distructive consequences if acted upon. A rare mate? I dont think so. If she goes through with it…I bet he leaves her. No prior relationships? He’ll leave mark my words. Men of this nature are never truly satisfied with one women.
Liam, how did you get to be so wise and openminded? Seriously, I look forward to your posts. You express a mind set that I can relate to. Please start your own blog. You are fantastic!
Liam,
Hi, I just read this post from Laurelle; I feel really bad for her situation. If I were Laurelle I would question this relationship with her boyfriend. When it comes to equality and trust and I feel her boyfriend is a predator of sorts. I mean really suggesting having sex with a total stranger; what if they don’t use a condom or if the condom breaks and she should get AIDS or an STD would it be worth it? Also, what if the person is volatile nature and hurts her beyond recognition. Liam I don’t agree with the fact, that your advice was for her to go please her boyfriend and having sex with a stranger. I also feel Laurelle is a needy person and likes to be the center of attention. If I we her, I would seriously examine my feelings for this man and where do they come from and come to an understanding with myself. Also, it feels that she doesn’t like to be alone and this is why she stays with him. Is it worth it for her to be disrespected by him, I think not. This is her life not mine, I speak from experience. Thanks for letting me vent, have a blessed day.
Dear Guru Liam,
I never see anything that advises how to handle a man who feels free to point out any sexy trait that he perceives in another woman: i.e., her voice mail, her outfit, her raising mens’ blood-pressure, etc. I am a fire sign who cannot stand to hear those things, and lashes back. He (we) just spoiled our new 3 month love oddysey in which we thought we’d met the loves of our lives and were close to making a commitment when he joyfully told me about our mutual friend’s sexy phone message. I went crazy and sent back 2 scathing phone messages saying that I don’t want to hear anything sexy about other women. (I don’t do that to him, and I am excessively popular with men My deceased husband told me I have a “quintessential universal feminine appeal to men”).
We’re both spoiled by our deceased mates and lovers, and I’ve given up on just ignoring his loose talk about (and occassionally to) other women, as I burst into jealous rages and have decided my feelings and opinions are just as important as his! (I’ve been trying to change myself up to now). Would a decent, intelligent man change? After all, his big mouth triggers all the incidents.
As of today, yesterday was the first day without our amorous phone calls – he’s in Florida and I’m in Michigan – until next week when I fly down there. I feel like a broken-hearted teenager. As far as him being true to one woman, I think he was to his wife and subsequent long-time girlfriend, but he still triggers my rages when he makes sexual innuendos to or about other women. So far there’ve been two incidences where I stalked out of the room and went home, and where he actually ended up saying he was sorry and that he didn’t want to lose me after the second incident.
Please give me your ever-brilliant input. I’ll try to be the one to change if I have to. I don’t think HE will. I’ve used every eloquent talk I can trying to give him an epiphany about how wrong and hurtful his behavior is.
I’ve decided to go through with the Florida trip next week, as I have my ticket and luggage packed, even if I stay in a hotel by myself and make the best of it. Please help!
Your number 1 admirer!