Sex Q&A: Discover Your Sexual Self

Helen from Virginia Beach, Virginia asks:

I am 53 years old and have just started experiencing orgasms. It’s all still a little unpredictable, and don’t occur every time, but when they do, well, it certainly is nice to find out what all the hubbub has been about!

When I was young, everything flowed so freely. Now, I haven’t been able to allow it to happen for about 30 years. I know that I have a lot of scars and that I have put up my mental roadblocks to pleasure, but after experiencing sex with someone I love so much I want to get everything I can get out of it on a more regular basis. My partner seems to have no trouble letting go and I find myself envious of that ability. What is wrong with me? How do I fix things at this late stage in my life? Will I be able to fix things?

I was always considered a rather “hot number” in my day and I want that passion back. Can you help me?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Helen. As a species we often find ourselves subjected to various physiological torments; our natural mechanisms hijacked by a centric system of control-oriented thought. We can become so layered in levels of guilt and self-scorn that our bodies forget what they’re made to do. We forsake our animal selves in favor of servitude and safety. But hope is hardly lost. Realistically, I believe your age will be a genuine benefit to the process of finding your true sexual nature. Youth is often silly and more than a bit stupid. It’s usually only with the tempering of age that the mind can finally break the shackles of culture and conformity. And with age pleasure becomes more refined. Nuance becomes heightened, sensuality more pronounced. So often as young people, we become the victims of early imprints that leave us numb and detached from our pleasure centers. But with age the power of the imprint weakens. What you are experiencing now is just the first wisps of smoke signaling a smoldering fire that has been waiting years for release.

I suspect that when you were a girl someone took it upon themselves to infuse your young mind with the impression that females ought to be ashamed of their bodies and detached from their sexual instincts. Intellectually, that idea in and of itself will have little effect even on a malleable mind… But combined with tactics that employ guilt and fear in order to gain familial or religious acceptance and all-too easily is the seed of psychological sterilization planted. In your case, I sense that things became further complicated by the fact that even early on you were living almost entirely in your cerebral space. It’s not an uncommon thing in our culture. We seem to enjoy intellectualizing our lives. But this means you never got to know your body very well; never learned to appreciate the power within it. You were bitten by the anxiety bug so prevalent in our culture, and as you have a hyper-driven mind that reacts very quickly, you ended up with a triple dose of the standard neurosis of our age.

What we have to do now is simple, yet profound. We have to strip you down, dismantle the barriers you so astutely mentioned in your question and get you, as Joni Mitchell put it, “back to the garden.” What I want you to do is a fundamental purge of all things cerebral. The women who have lots of orgasms easily are women who live close to their animal selves. These women embrace their senses and bask in the primal urgency of the moment. Women who are goal-obsessed and performance-driven have a much harder time. D.H. Lawrence warned that the industrial age would be the downfall of eroticism in western culture, with sensuality sacrificed on the altar of masculine progress. The neurosis of numb mediocrity he foresaw has now become the ominous status quo.

So my advice is to live in your body, not your noggin. Pay attention to your body’s sensations and what your flesh is trying to tell you. Sit in a quiet place, and just listen to it… Feel it. Learn to isolate the sensations of different hormonal changes and chemical responses throughout the day. The body has very distinct reaction cycles, and it’s fascinating to step back and observe ourselves when we feel anger, sadness, hunger or desire. I fear I must repeat what I have advised in so many other articles and insist you find some sort of physical exercise. Not only will it institute good health and well-being, but for anyone seeking real pleasure and sexual expansion, it hones the senses and releases hormones. Most importantly, it will get you out of your head and into your body. Also, be aware of your diet. Avoid processed foods whenever you can. Hone your pallet with game meats, fresh vegetables and fruit. Find an art form you enjoy and dive in. Nurture your creative feminine self.

Last, but certainly not least, you and your lover need to consider some more Avant-garde ways to enjoy each other. Check into electro stimulation. This sort of sex play, prevalent in BDSM communities, is finding wider acceptance in the mainstream. It involves applying low voltage shock to various sensitive parts of the body to arouse the senses, stimulate the juices, and promote a more submissive vibration. Most mainstream adult toy catalogs offer mild erotic electric “massage” kits. Beyond this, all I can suggest is just relax and let your imagination run wild. I believe you have a partner you can trust to travel with you on this journey so have fun and try not to take life so seriously. You’re already on your way. Remember: It’s not a goal to be achieved. It’s a moment to be savored.

Liam

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