It’s one thing to be in a submissive relationship with a caring lover and another to be put into submission by your partner. Being in an abusive relationship isn’t safe, though staying with what you know can feel the most comfortable for the one who’s being abused. Liam gets to the heart of getting out of an abusive relationship by addressing what lies within the abused individual.
Change Your Perception, Change the World
Betty from Tignish, Canada asks:
I have been in this verbally abusive relationship for 31 years. I have tried to leave many times, but the guilt always sets in. I do not enjoy conflict and try to avoid it. In the past three years, I have gotten my self-esteem back and have begun to take care of myself again after years of neglect. He needs to be in control, and I gave him the power. It seems he always asks me where I’m going even if I am going to the bathroom. I feel like he watches my every move. Will I ever find the strength to leave this toxic marriage? I know I am not the only female in this situation, maybe my question will help someone else.
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Betty. Patterns of behavior and stagnant perceptions are difficult things to alter under the best of circumstances. Our society in general prefers diversion to liberation, shunning pain and catharsis in favor of apathy and emotional paralysis. In a case such as yours, physically leaving the situation is actually the easy part. People do it all the time. Unfortunately, leaving is only a diversion, not an actual personal change brought about by conscious awareness of what needs to be faced and dealt with… And so the cycles of habitual behavior are repeated. People find themselves right back in the same modes of victimization and destitution, without ever knowing why. Many people want change. They really do. They think that by tinkering with external variables, inner peace will follow. But the hard truth is there are some fundamental realities that just aren’t going to go away however we try to force them off. Very often we simply can’t alter our conditioned responses… What we can alter, is our perception. And an altered perception can literally change the world.
The first step in making that kind of quantum leap is to be very sure that’s what you want. I can give you a million tips on how to leave your current abuser and all of them would be effective. But none of them will do you a lick of good if you don’t change something about how you see yourself. You’ll only go out and find another abuser in time, because that’s all you’ve ever known. The fact is you are a naturally submissive woman. Your Yin-oriented nature can be easily overwhelmed and taken advantage of by a dominant personality. It doesn’t matter whether that submissive mentality is genetic, conditioned, or a gift from the Sugar Plum fairy… What matters is that it is so ingrained, I doubt you could ever do much to change it. And why would you want to? There’s a sublime beauty in submission… in enslavement to the correct cause or the right master. Yours is simply a very typical case of someone falling victim to the torments of an abusive mate, because she never really understood the beautiful truth of her own submissive soul. You’ve been made to feel that you are flawed, and that just isn’t so. What you are is gentle, kind, sexually healing and womanly. You are not overt or aggressive. Too early in life, you went searching for an iron hand to compliment your submissive self and fell prey to the cruelest sort of parasite. This doesn’t have to be your lot. In the BDSM world, master/slave relationships are not about abuse; they are not about mediocrity and squalor. There are many real dominant men and women who utilize methods of control and strict regulation to create an oasis of safety for those who serve them. Many are highly trained and very disciplined. Their slaves are their treasures, and their truest joys in life. Being submissive does not mean being weak.
You need to accept what you are. You dislike not having boundaries. You don’t feel safe without a controlling hand in play, and you like being the object of someone’s focus. On the other hand, you’re well aware that your husband’s childish antics are done to harm and not to help you. You must be done with him as soon as possible. Start moving out on your own by changing the perception you somehow deserve to be treated badly. Read the Beauty series by Anne Rice written under the nom de plume A.N. Roquelaure. Quit criticizing yourself for things that are inherent in your nature, and stop thinking you ought to be different than you are. Find a counselor with a non-judgmental attitude, and get a game plan together for flying the coup. I caution you to make your personal safety your first priority as you do so. Your spouse is a creature of fear, so involve law enforcement as you make your departure. And from now on, every day, try in some way to look at something from a different point of view. Our perceptions can become so rust-laden over time. I see that you will escape your situation, with or without my suggestions, but I do hope you make that inner journey. In any case, good luck and please be safe.
Liam
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38 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Kiss That Loser Goodbye”
I am very happy to read all theses emails because it is going to give me some encouragement to leave my husband ,because he is a abusive person, that appreaciates other people than me treats me like a slave!
Dear Betty, Value & respect yourself as a person and more importantly as a woman! When a man abuses a woman in any way, shape or form, he has actually lost all respect for her. Most times a victim doesn’t recognize the dysfunctional behavior that leads to domestic violence, which by the way, is the pt of no return! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!
Check in your city if an organization exists by the name of SAFE HOMES (advocates for women of Domestic violence). They have support groups and they educate you on the topic; and they help you get, counseling, housing, legal rep, food, clothes, and steer you through the legal system if need be. Education is Freedom!! If your city doesn’t have this one, check to see if there is a similar organization.
I came out of an abusive marriage of 15 years, never to look back! I sacrificed much, and lost much, but I gained back my person, sanity, and self esteem. I no longer live in fear, but in victory and everyday I am thankful for God’s grace that gave me the strength to do what I had to do. After 7 years, I am now a Med grad, an investor, and enjoying financial freedom. I also dedicate my spare time reaching out to other women who are in the predicament I once was!
Prepare a small getaway bag with basic necessceties and keep it in the trunk of your car for when that runaway day comes..all you will have to do is go! Another advice, prepare all of your personal legal papers and have them in order; that includes any financial accounts numbers, banking info, etc.–Make copies and purchase a safe or give to someone you can trust for safekeeping. If possible, every chance you get stash a few bucks in the bag.
Wish you the best!
Dear Betty: Liam gave u excellent advice. I just left a very similar situation. Don’t wait like I did and not have an escape route. Use your noggin and trust your intuitions. I wish I had. Just remember, the most dangerous time is when you leave so try to have it worked out so you can get away safely. The cops will help you, they helped me. Please do not stay in this situation. It will suck the life and happiness totally out of your life. We deserve better. I am now divorced and am so happy that I finally made a change. It was scary, but well worth it! You too can be happy, you deserve it.
This I am struggling with at present, but also know it’s time for me to leave, and regain peace and tranquility in my life, once again. Thank you kindly Liam.
I really enjoyed this post and I was able to relate so well to it. I am making another attempt to bring a long term relationship to a close. I tried the friendship and allowing him to come over to see his son but it did n’t work. It was the same pattern where he would do what was right for awhile but always returned back to drinking. He has always been an alcoholic and his condition is awful and he is very emotionally abusive to me and son. He was verbally to our oldest son who passed in 2009. I was not happy with the friendship setup but I did it for my son. By me not being direct and allowing him to use our son to control me I only prolonged the agony. He cannot control his behavior and does highly inappropriate things when he is with our twelve year old. My oldest son witnessed his drinking and began to drink too. I resent him so much and feel guilty about it. I believe my son is really better off without him. I finally went to court and am in the process of getting a stay away order from the home and have petitioned for sole legal custody. I should have done this many many years ago. It’s hard but it can be done. You do become addicted to abuse and chaos. I am fearful but I want my freedom and spent all of my youth, life dealing with alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic too. I wish anyone in this situation good luck, be careful but fight for your life. You are beautiful and worth it! Thank you again Liam, this post was fantastic. I couldn’t believe what I was reading it hit so close to home.
Your email has really touched me, I am in the same kind of relationship. The guy treats me so badly and when I retaliate he finds a way to always calm me down. I can’t stand the cruelty any longer but I am still with him – you have liberated me, I won’t take it any longer. Atleast not another month in the relationship.
thanx Liam…..even male subordinates try thier best to control you n try to influnce my decision saying that if you dont make official decisions as we want you wii be left alone…then you ll b in trouble i learnt a lot today from tour article.thanx again.
And a further note for Betty. I was in similiar but with also some extend of physical abuse for almost 14 years, but have ended it and moved forward. And the 1st step is the hardest, but the rest of the days only gets better and better. And in retro, what drove me nuts is that I’ve been known for decades to have a high IQ, so was so judged and asked by many ignorant people why I was so stupid and ignorant to allow such to happen–which only lowered my self esteem and made the whole process even more difficult. What I needed to know for myself is, it wasn’t me, I wasn’t ignorant nor does such relationships have anything to do with a person’s IQ (yes, our perceptive of who we really are is very important, and that we must put it into the right perspective). And I have learned that I cannot listen or talk to ignorant people, they will only misguide you to do all the wrong things. So I have learned to be selective. What Liam wrote there is very true. Once out of such a relationship, you’ll start wanting to wake up and can finally sleep peacefully. Forgiveness is not about forgiving the abuser, it’s also about forgiving ourselves for allowing such to happen onto ourselves and all who it affects. Much love and joy to all.
Being in a verbal abuse relationship is one of the most difficult position i have ever been in. Specially having a child with the guy; therefore; it’s a lot of weight on my back. The only thing I can advice is: everyday is another day, observe, define, look at the whole situation in a 3rd person view. By time you will realize you are not ugly; but actually really beautiful inside and out. Realizing reality is the key to the door you’ve been trying to reach. I did that when i left my daughters father the 1st time. Even worse, when you feel threatend to loose everything! I lost everything, but my daughter and home. Things got rough with the child custody issue so as a mother I did what i had to do in order for her to not be without me. I am getting back on my feet little by little. So, when the day comes I can stand up and succeed; get home with my daughter to the happy life I’ve always wanted
i will be grateful if u could help me actualize my dream that is getting foreign aid for my organization (ROCH) thus towards myself growth
thanks, i am grateful tom learn about this site.
I am in a real bad relationship. I have tried many times to get out of it. I feel trapped all the time. He is verbally abuse and breaks things when he is angry. I feel guilty he has alot of medical iissues and i am the one who deals with all of it. It wears me out and i am looking for away out of this bad relationship.
Excellent response, yet again, Liam. Thank You LOVE ~ Aimee Heart.
WELL! That was sensitive advice. Leaving is the answer but caution as to whom may take over yet again is frightening. We do repeat patterens: but often women are ‘trained’ to be submissive, we know how society works! Go forward and be true to yourself and have a good life, best of luck. D.
I have been in a relationship where at the end he puts other woman in front of me claims he does not sleep with any of them but if i’m around him when one of them comes walking up he just ignores me and acts like I’m not there and makes them feel like they look really nice today but he does not tell me that ever any more. So what would you think We finally came to conclusion 2 days now ago to leave each other alone, and if it’s meant to be he will call me cause i;m not him or texting him ever again.
It is very hard,
Debra
Ty so much your reading was. So right on for me. I thank you for being so straight with me about my mothers love etc. it was such a blessing to know Dad n Dan were waiting for mom in heaven. I will be back Ezara !!!!
I’ve been there! For 20 years !
he was controlling, abusive, unfair, jelous, etc etc. I am happily divorced . Life can be sooooo good ! I anjoy every minute without him!
Of course I have financial problems, , sometimes I feel lonely, but nobody controls me anymore and nobody tells me what to do, what to say and even what to think!
Pack your staff and leave him, my friend , don’t even think of trying to change him, these abusive creatures never change.
nobody deserves to be treated like a slave , you have right to be happy
do it, you can do it
How very observant and perceptive Liam is, these responses are well written in simple plain english and make complete sense without being clever or over bearing. I hope the lady in question finds the strenght to leave, I found the thinking about it was the hardest part, actually doing it was incredibly liberating and refreshing. I wish her well.
I have lived in an abuse relationship for 17 years, my husband has bi-polar, and is an acholic, hasn’t worked in 30 years, is on disability, uses the money for drugs, along with his alcholicisum. I tolerated him with his mental, physcial abuse for years, along with his ex wife which was addicted to cocaine. I put up with him not coming home for days in a row, not telling me where he was, I tried calling his cell, he would not answer, he would leave his daughter with me to look after when he had joint custosidy, expected me to look after her, also I had my daughter living with me also, she was 15, and his daughter was 10at the time. I had a good relationship with my daughter until he moved in with us, she rebelled, got pregnant, and moved out, he hit her once when she lived with me, gave her a black eye, because she took away his case of beer, he got charged for that of course by the police, not me. I was going to, I got him with another women in her arms laying on her couch, stayed with her overnight, he said he didn’t do anything to her, which is a bunch of bull. I am in remission with breast cancer, which I found out a year ago, I think my abusive relationship with the stress, caused part of this, I live alone now for 3 years, had him charged for utter threat, by threatening me by cutting my head off, like the guy on the bus had done. I will inever live like this ever again, especially now with my health issues, no one deserves this treatment at all, once you let it go, it never stops, the police said I should called them the first time he hit me.
hi, how do u kiss a loser good bye if they threaten to kill you if you leave?
Here are some other resources if they feel good to you:
EFT or Tapping, EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization (Something:) Sedona Method
Body movement Therapy, Raising Your Vibrations: Love or Above with Christie Marie Sheldon and Hypnotherapy. They all have been helpful to me at different times and you may respond better to one than another or feel better with one therapy over another.
There is also something called Soul Retrieval as well as just understanding Emotional Vampires. My guess is he is feeding off you in a certain way and you may be taking from him as well. though usually it is one way. How to tell? Are you tired, fatigued, apathetic, listless, bored, making yourself smaller and smaller? Basically your human form still exists but your soul is being sucked to keep his alive – it sounds like a horror movie:) but it is often very subtle!
Hope Any of this helps!
Thank you Liam for your wise words. I too am a yin personality that needed to hear these words ~today~as I am on an intense healing journey. I grew up with yang energy all around me and found myself married to it. Since my divorce, I am more attracted to other yin energies and now am more fully understanding why.I still am working on the need to alter my perception of myself as you so eloquently explained. I feel blessed for finding this site and the timeliness of your words today. I would add to readers that they can use Chinese astrology to identify if they were born under yin or yang energy. Then look up what type the people are around them for greater clarity. Namaste
Dear Betty
I’m so sorry for your pain. I do believe it is important to find out why you are the way you are or why you’ve chosen the type of partner you have. Just because you’ve been in an abusive relationship does not mean that’s all you are OR that you are naturally submissive and to treasure it. To me that sounds damaging.
It would be helpful to see a therapist to find out what patterns of behavior belong to you and what have you been conditioned to accept. So say for instance in your childhood there may have been abused or perhaps you watched a parent being abused. This means you were conditioned to accept and respond to an unnatural behavior. You were trained to be this way but it doesn’t mean that is who you are. It can be two very different things. You may have been raised against your nature – if that make sense? So if a loud child is raised in a quiet family, the loud child is always told they are wrong – are they? But still they had to change to get love and fit in with their family.
You have choices. You can be different and you can also choose a different type of man AFTER you find out who you are, what you want, what is good for you, and why you are afraid to express yourself or take ownership of yourself. Maybe his controlling felt safe initially? Maybe your family of origin was really nuts, chaotic, unloving? Then he, an abuser would seem loving?
The fact you are writing for help suggests you aren’t happy and would like change. Do you even love this person? When people men/women become so entrenched in roles of any type they disappear and only are one dimensional representations of something to each other. Each person is severely stunted in personal growth. None of this has to do with being naturally more submissive or not. Even if it is true you are submissive you can still find a loving partner who considers your feelings.
If you can leave, leave. At least temporarily so you can remove yourself from the unhealthy paradigm to see what else is going on. You will need to be deprogrammed, retrained, and really embrace who you are. Maybe you have an addiction? Even if it to pain, suffering, conflict, etc? Those will have to be dealt with.
Books: Men Who Hate Women and the Women who love them. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Gay and Katie Hendricks have ways to build healthy relationships. Most of these books and others are on amazon and you can often read lots of information without buying if you are afraid he can track you. Start building friendships, going to groups, meetups etc. Build your own pool of friends. The best thing you can do is stop focusing on him and start focusing on you and what you want and need!
Best Wishes! There are so many wonderful things waiting out in the world for you.
Liam, your intelligence floors me! Your response made so many connections for me and helps me to hold my head up higher. Transformation is a long process and your remarks about conditioned responses are so true, especially when society snips, “let it go”! Thank you.
I can identify with Betty’s situation. I was in a 31-year marriage and managed to get out. Liam offers very sound advice. It’s not going to be easy, but the rewards are great.
Amen! Beautifully put! I am in the same situation, however I am not married to the man, Thank GOD! I am at the point you mentioned of feeling differently about myself, and noticing small changes starting to happen. Best of luck to you! Keep thinking Positive thoughts and know that God made you in his unique and special way! You are special and deserve better!
Hail and Well Met, Sir Liam,
I liked the way you explained her subnissive side, BUT, also, explained the dynamics of the abuse too.
I’ve worked with, and read for victims of domestic violence….you gave her excellent advice!!!!
Well done, Sir Liam !
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
I was married over 50 years before deciding to call it quits —but even today i’m not free — we parted friends but he still not able to let me have a life —now I;m over 70 and still feel guilty–that I cannot have a life
Just came out of this kind of relationship, after recognizing YEARS –and an ever-worsening STRING– of relationships with this SAME KIND OF MAN, which seems to have been seeded by my father. No intention of going back into a situation like that again, and feeling perfectly strong enough to stay ALONE, if need be, to enjoy my life as it is today – free of the criticisms, self-doubt, disrespect, disloyalty, and dishonor.
But even with the counseling sessions I, too, engaged in (and that was great advice, too, for Betty), I have never heard anyone talk about submissiveness in anything but a negative light. I’m not talking about BDSM (although that was an effective way to illustrate your point). I’m talking about the beautiful side of it that you pointed out — being “gentle, kind, sexually healing and womanly.”
So THANK YOU for that. You just made my day, and made me feel even stronger about perhaps, one day, even though I am now in my later years, finding someone who can genuinely appreciate who, and what, I am.
Correction, can a non diabetic catches diabetes from a person who has diabetes by engaging in oral sex
can a person without diabetes acquire diabetes by engaging in sex with a person who has diabetes?
I have read this article N it sound so much like my life its all about me thanks 4 ur advice Liam
No question but just wanted to say,i know where this lady is coming from,i lived that same life for 42 years,was afrais to leave him so i stayed till the day he died,then i was free,but my sons tried to start telling me when and where and what to do so i seen someone and she told me that my dead husband was still controlling me thru them,so i stood on my own two feet and told them i could do what ever i wanted to,and have ever since.
sue
You are so on the money, you seem to speak from both experience and wisdom.I, on behalf of all us women in this sort of mess..THANK YOU.
Wow
Liam I am truly blown away by your response. You speak with such encouraging wisdom which has certainly enlightened my perception of controlling relationships and I understand exactly what you mean when you say submissive women are not weak.
Thank you :0)
I have been resivering emails from u for a wild now but I never get a reading because am a fred that it will cost me to much money to do so ccan u help me get a free reading and let me see if am doing the right things in my life by keeping him around for so long and just hrering the same thing over and over thank you
I’ve heard GREAT things about this trompo hotbot men and women!
Wauw Liam this was very usefull for the people i talk with for my work also but for every woman that is not be treated nice in her relationship or life!