Sex Q&A: Sex on the First Date?

Just because the man wants to have sex with you on the first date, should you? And for that matter, should you be expecting to find your soulmate after a few dates? Liam explores how society influences our perception of what relationships should look like and his take on the answer to these questions.

The Holy Grail of Sex

Rachelle from Carmel Valley, California asks:

I have been back in the dating scene for about five months. I’m noticing that every man wants to have sex. I’m a very sexual, sensual person, and a part of me thinks I shouldn’t be indulging in this so readily. Do you think it will negatively impact my search for the right partner? Should I try to control my sexual appetite or should I just go with the flow?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Rachelle, and thank you so much for writing. Like so many American women, you speak of the goal of attaining just the right partner as if you are about to embark on a quest for the Holy Grail. You’ve had so many years of conditioning and training… experienced countless reels of film from Hollywood, romance novels… been immersed in such total social indoctrination, family and theological modes of subtle and not so subtle suggestion… Just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, Rachelle. But none of what you were told is who you really are. Love, like happiness, we are told, is supposed to come wrapped and paid for like some emotionally infused icon straight from the factory. We just need to do a little work, read some books, and attend some workshops. Consumer culture has degraded us to slaves of aspiration, and the feeling of the moment is forever sacrificed to some frantic ambition or another. You’ve been back on the dating scene for five, count ’em five months, and already you feel you should be dealing with the idea of bagging some fellow for a long-term commitment. You’ve just barely survived the last experiment in paid bonding, and you’re already bothered by notions of making another. Where is the sense of passion, the expression of wishing to be in the moment with another human being in flesh and in blood and in sex and in desire? In romance? People in the truest throes of love, of lust, ecstasy sublime, never ask for how long will this last… Will there be a ring on my finger? No. Those are questions left to pragmatic minds, and delight in the existential has little to do with such matters. You, Rachelle, stand at a majestic and perilous crossroads in life, and thus, now you have a tremendous opportunity.

It is my feeling that at this point, in all reality, you tend to favor the experiential, the flavor of the moment, to the pinning of false hopes on some mediocre entity from one of the many dating dot coms. You are indeed a sexual huntress in your heart, your soul yearning to break free from the imposed repression of your former relationships. Of course, the men you meet desire to bed you. They are men, less socially restricted, and also expected to be blatant in their pursuit of your charms. Women, alas, are less fortunate in the social game and yet in our era, much has changed. I know, I feel, so deeply, you enjoy meeting these men, the ones who are hungry for you, who delight in the essence of your body and spirit, and you wish to meld with those who are of your energy and temperament. You can feel this in the moment: it’s not something you have to decide after three dates or four. And in feeling it, there is no need to consider “where it’s going.” Mating is mating, and the fluid rush and elation of the dance and movement is the pinnacle of all human desire. You are in a mating cycle now; an enchanting and magical place which should include a myriad of partners, a virile and ardent display of masculinity all for your choosing and pleasure. This is what you want now. Rob yourself of this time of freedom and you commit the gravest of crimes against nature and self.

In terms of committed partners, you’ve a long time to consider such more practical and business-oriented pursuits. And in truth, to rush that process, to go questing and goal hunting, is usually rather disastrous. One’s formidable matches in this regard are really not out there waiting like samples on display. When and if the time does come for you to find such a companion, you must be careful there, too. It will then be imperative to slow down the sexual dance a bit. A good friendship must come before sex in these bonds, for the sake of longevity. I make it sound easy. It isn’t. Most people never manage it these days. In any case, I would suggest that you consider a sexually open arrangement with a long-term partner. I don’t believe you are actually a sexually monogamous person by nature. You are far too sensual and adventurous to live in numbness and continual distraction. Find yourself a partner who will be in a long-term relationship with you and allow you to have other sexual partners, as long as all is safe and on the level. In other words, find someone more like yourself and stop trying to settle for the norm. You’ll be far happier and more fulfilled. Finding such people is far easier than you think, but that’s another matter for some time further down the road. For now, just relax, and let the dance resume. Good luck to you.

Liam

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