You’re married, but enticed by someone you met online. Should you risk it all to have an affair? Psychic Liam delves into this and reveals more than you think.
Just Because You Can Have an Affair, Doesn’t Mean You Should
Lorraine from Mbabane, Swaziland asks:
Your advice on my dilemma will be really appreciated. I just broke up with the father of my two children in the most horrible way! I had a cyber affair with a younger man I met online. Even though, I suspected that he had feelings for me, he never came out and said so. I could never gauge just what kind of relationship we had. I resigned myself to the fact that we would just be online friends (albeit with sexual benefits). He was shot on duty recently and almost died. He came out of his coma and has decided that he loves me and wants to be with me (even though we have not met personally yet). He sent me a mail declaring his love and intentions, then emailed my partner to tell him to leave so that we could be together, along with all our correspondence of three years. My partner has understandably walked out on me, but I am sitting in a fog of uncertainty. I don’t know if this man will be with me, or what his intentions are. Could you please help me?
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Lorraine, and thank you so much for this thought provoking inquiry. In looking at your young friend, I see one inflamed with passion; alive with the ardor of his youth and the power of his time spent on the field of battle. His courage in matters of amore is very refreshing in our era of apathetic self-absorption… It makes me think there might be some hope for modern men yet. I’m afraid you had little idea as you indulged in your midnight temptations with this fellow that you were dealing with such a brazen knight. You are going to have to conduct yourself with a bit more cunning from here on out if you are going to survive this ordeal intact. Navigating such stormy seas is treacherous and my advice would be to put the brakes on both these men for a time. Exercise your prerogative with each of them to call a Lady’s Time Out, and get yourself some much-needed breathing room.
Putting passions aside for a moment, let’s delve into this matter with a practical attitude. It’s not such an unusual situation really. People have been marrying spouses, and then taking lovers for time immemorial. The trick is to realize that the two usually have very different purposes. A husband, a life partner, is sought for domestic survival; for financial security, genetic endowment, friendship and the establishment of a strong home base where children can be raised successfully. Lovers aren’t really sought so much as they find us. These relationships are generally tumultuous, wild, all-consuming experiences, creative and forbidden. With our spouses, we play by the rules. With our lovers, we seek to break them. A reconciliation of those opposing positions is almost impossible despite our constant desire to have the best of both worlds. Very often, the attempt to make a passionate lover into a pair-bonded friend and mate, ends in disaster, abuse, or worse.
This young man is in love with you. He’s desperate and frantic, as young men often are. To his mind you are the Lady Fair, his courted Guinevere. In the heydays of courtly love, it was thought essential for consummation to be avoided in such relationships, which usually took place between a married woman and a knight of the realm. The idea was that such a union was holy and sacred, and sex would only defile it. In the case of you and your lover, the same ideal is at work; your separation is part of the tragedy of the experience. It is the elixir that compels your plight. But this young man is not ready for marriage in real life. Like a knight errant, he has been away and gotten wounded in a noble cause. Mortal terror is an unrelenting mentor. One true taste and many are altered forever. Now he longs for a life far away from the battlefield filled with quiet time and the warm pleasures of hearth and home. He fixates on you because you’re a wife and mother ready-made. But though his aggressive charge to win your hand is commendable, it also betrays his lack of discretion and maturity. Marriage is a serious business and, try as he might, this one just isn’t equipped yet. He’d come to you, settle down, and in a few years, he’d be bored again. The two of you would come to resent one another on so many levels…
Go back to your husband, and talk to him. Tell him to stop being such a child, as you already have two of those to raise. Life happens… affairs happen… both you and your spouse need to quit being so selfish and behave like adults. Tell him the door’s open if he wants to talk, and then really talk. Rebuild your friendship, if you can. You’ve got a life that needs fixing, and a family that is your duty just now. It might work out between the two of you and it might not, but basing your future on the impetuous actions of a man you’ve never even met face-to-face is ludicrous. Tell that young soldier to go live out his youth. One day, you may choose to meet him again… or not. In any case, keep your wits about you.
Liam
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17 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Will My Internet Affair Be Successful?”
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Hello Lorraine, hello Liam. From where I’m sitting the children’s father feels like his heart’s been ripped out, and his head is about to spin off his body. He’s devastated. Right now he feels so terribly betrayed, it’s too soon to talk rationally about this. Once he calms down emotionally, approach him and speak from the heart about how and why this happened–although he will be filled with anger, he will listen. He loves you. Timing is everything–especially with this. The younger man did not consult you about revealing the affair. He simply outed it. This is a pattern of behavior with him. Should you two get together expect other such actions. He doesn’t always think before he acts, and a respect for teamwork could have avoided an emergecy on the home front–like this situation. Connect his behavior to the bigger picture consequences that will come with other uncommunicated decisions–like your quandry, for example, and ask yourself what’s he going to do next that he doesn’t bother to tell you about first? All this pain could have been avoided if more maturity on both sides were present. If he’d told you what he wanted to do, and you both agreed it was okay, you could have prepared yourself for the aftermath. Experiences such as this one, as painful as they are, do help us grow into more mature, wiser, individuals. Take what you’ve learned from this experience and apply it to other areas of life in the years to come.
Blessings to all of you, Fiona.
Very intelligent advice and straight to the point. Thumbs up for you Liam
OH What a beautiful answer Liam!!!!!!!!!
Well said Liam! Oftentimes the reality of our fantasies not only do not live up to our dream, but then we’ve shattered both our families and our fantasies. I think the absolute BEST advice she could hear is to take a step back to think. We are very lucky to have such a gifted MAN on our line!
Brightest Blessings
Morgana )O(
Liam, it doesn’t sound very ‘psychic; when you suggest man should be reduced to his lowest form, thus ingnoring societral rules which is what makes the distiction between man and beast!
I AM A INDIAN MUSLIM BY BIRTH, WORKED IN LONDON FOR A DECADE, NOW ADOPTED WESTERN LIFE STYLE. I AM LITERATE PERSON WITH BANKING EXPERIENCE. I GOT MARRIED 21 YEARS BACK TO A LOW LITERATE INDIAN WOMAN, WE HAD 2 KIDS. SON IS 20 AND DAUGHTER 16. MY WIFE STOPPED HAVING SEX WITH ME SINCE 1 AND HALF YEAR NOW DUE TO SOME RELIGIOUS MATTERS AND SHE DONT LIKE BUSINESS WHICH I DO NOW. I AM A INTERNATIONAL FINANCIAL CONSULTANT NOW. IN ISLAM DOING FINANCIAL BUSINESS IS NOT ALLOWED. NOW WE GOT SEPERATED SINCE 6 MONTHS. I LIVE AT MY OWN FLAT WHICH I BOUGHT RECENTLY, AND SHE IS LIVING WITH MY KIDS AT MY ANCESTRAL PROPERTY. SHE IS NOT WILLING TO GIVE ME DIVORCE AS I HAVE TO LOOK AFTER HER AND MY KIDS(FINANCIALLY) TILL MY DEATH. AS I AM NOT DIVORCED NO EDUCATED, CULTURED WOMAN IS WILLING TO MARRY ME. HOW EVER MY WIFE HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH ANY ONE OR I CAN MARRY AGAIN. IF I TRY TO MARRY AGAIN ITS NOT WORKING OUT. ONLY POOR ILLITERATE FEMALES/DIVORCED HAVING KIDS/WIDOW HAVING KIDS ARE WILLING TO MARRY ME WHOOM I DONT WANT TO MARRY. I AM WILLING TO HAVE AFFAIR WITH EDUCATED AND CULTURED BEATIFUL SINGLE FEMALE EVEN OUT OF MY RELIGION, WHICH TILL NOW I DINT STARTED. SUGGEST ME HAVING AFFAIR WITH ANY ONE IS GOOD OR I HAVE TO WAIT FOR A PERFECT FEMALE TO REACH ME FOR MARRIAGE.
what troubles me in this situation is that the young man had the email of the gals partner. and saved all the emails over the three years. that seems very extreme and certainly not a good sign of trust or discretion on the young mans part.
sometimes partners get very angry which could turn into violent behavior. my goodness the partner must of felt like a fool where right under his nose his gal was entertaining another man for all that time.
rule #1 keep all concerned safe.
rule #2 keep your emails private
rule #3 do not tell anyone of your affair
also it took a near death experience for the young man to realize he loved her… really!!!
perhaps in the end of this story the gal needs to move forward and find a lover/partner that fits her enough so that she can stay faithful on all levels. or stay single and enjoy.
Good advice to try to keep the marriage together, but why tell the husband he is being such a child. She is the one and only one that did a very bad thing. She is the guilty party not him.
Liam, that was great advice. I liked the way you explained it.
As I man I ask you to ponder this. In dealing with the most important and volatile part of a love triangle. Bringing everyone involved up to speed with what’s happening. The soldier made it his business to inform the husband. In a man’s world ( a husband’s ), that’s not flying. Even if the soldier is a Navy Seal in Black Opps. I may be wrong, but it should be the other spouses duty to bring the bad news to the table. By being told by the “new guy” that the husbands walking papers are ready, is very wrong. And, if I may…… stupid. He just brought any sensible discussion between the two married to ground zero. Now, it’s become… Who is he to tell me ……. It doesn’t leave any room for the husband to walk off with any pride. And if he says he didn’t care about his pride. He’s lying and it’s maybe the reason he’s losing his wife……
In a 12 year affair, I asked he be told before I thought of making love. Maybe, that’s why it’s been 12 years?
Dear Liam, I really liked what you said to this lady here. Very good advice and very reasonable. I willlike to get your advice sometine on my realtionship. God bless!!