Hope from Buffalo Grove, Illinois says:
I am truly, madly, deeply in love with a married man… It’s complicated because his wife has given him a “permanent hall pass.” They’ve agreed to remain in a “platonic” relationship for many reasons. We have amazing chemistry, terrific sex, a deep connection and I am able to orgasm with him (for the first time in my life). I wonder what future you see for us? Does he love me as much as he says he does? I can’t imagine my life without him in it!
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Hope, and thank you for your inquiry. You are indeed fortunate in experiencing a sensual pair bonding of this sweltering sort. When one connects on levels below the known layers, into the depths of the forbidden subconscious core, it can be a riveting, totally consuming process. Passions like yours aren’t very common in this age of sugary soft Julia Roberts films and bestselling books on how to snare that socially lucrative boyfriend. Consider yourself one of the lucky few and quit second guessing the mad methods of Eros. There are no perfect situations. Your body knows what it seeks, but your mind invents idealized notions and excuses.
You state that this relationship is complicated due to the open nature of your partner’s marriage, but I would say this fact un-complicates things entirely. He and his wife have a contractual relationship and a good friendship. From what I see his wife is a realist, highly pragmatic, and very much enjoys her lifestyle. What she doesn’t enjoy is sex with him. It matters very little to her who sleeps in his beds, so long as that woman doesn’t attempt to usurp her position. In that, I fear she’s more than a bit naive because while this arrangement may be ideal for a more sophisticated sort of couple, most of the women her husband encounters will no doubt have some silly notion of bagging him for herself in a conventional marriage. Isn’t that right, Hope?
I’d suggest you dispense with that idea right now. Your connection to this man is very different from his connection to his wife. You work well with him in the bedroom. But she has worked well with him for years in family situations, in business situations, through crisis and sickness and everything else. This isn’t a bad marriage, and they aren‘t going to split up. Now, this man isn’t lying about his love for you. You and he have great intensity and heat. It’s a novel, untamed relationship that can last for some time… and the less you meddle in his personal life, the longer it might continue.
Love exists mostly in the subconscious. This man has opened you sexually. He brought both taboo and fear to you… Liberated you from numb and nervous energies. In his embrace, your body found itself. Now that it has awoken, it won’t be so easily subdued. Because you associate this man with intense pleasure, your value placement on him is through the roof. You think he is necessary to that kind of pleasure, but the truth is now that the channel is opened, all sorts of alterations are possible with equally pleasurable results. The ability to orgasm comes from within you. In your mind, with your body. It’s not some special ability of his to bring forth. One day, believe it or not, you’ll manage it without his help. Accept what the two of you have for what it really is and enjoy it. Love for the moment and think of nothing else.
Liam
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9 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: The Other Woman”
First of all I understand strange things when they happen. I do know this from experience with a cheating husband. They will tell you what will catch you then they keep feeding it. Most women do not want to share their man. I know this for real. I will say this I have a situation that is even stranger and am not quite understanding it. My boy friend and I have been together for 4 years. I in the last year have started talking with my boyfriends dad. We are the best of friends but my gut feeling tells me there could be more one dilema he has a boyfriend himself. I do know he still fancies women but cannot bring himself to do that again. I have the same feeling of wonder when i think of him not ever being in bed with him just the fact we both like the same things sexually and humor wise. we also are very well connected in heart and soul but being his friend must allow him to decide the way this outcome should be. I sensed many confused feelings from him when I recently stayed with him while going to pick up my youngest children. He seemed to be needing to know my every move. I understand his position but in the long run if it will become something he has to make the first acctual move he does know my thoughts and feelings so maybe you should just move on a good thing will not come of this situation. The wife has already spoken to you in the long run just listen to her. you should never believe someone who states the wife is ok with it.
Great response Liam.
I’ve been here… I am grateful I knew such depth of passion and connection. When it ended I realized that the passion was MINE it was in me! He was only there to show it to me. And I am here to show it to others.
Enjoy and allow love to flow.
In my experience (extensive)… Men don’t usually leave, if anything they go do something so outrageous hoping She will leave if she doesn’t, she will then put up with most anything, and he knows that.
Comfortable or uncomfortable… Familiar is easier than change for the unknown.
I was once this girl and in the moment. I am grateful I knew such depth of passion and connection. When it ended I realized that the passion was MINE it was in me. He was only there to show it to me.
Enjoy and allow love to flow.
In my experience (extensive)… Men don’t usually leave, if anything they go do something so outrageous hoping She will leave if she doesn’t, she will then put up with most anything, and he knows that.
And just because I said I was the wife in this situation I did say “unfortunately.” By the way Miss. I do agree with the comment at first who told you to wake up and find YOUR OWN MAN. Number one, why would you even consider carrying on with a married man? Don’t you realize you are hurting a completely innocent individual (the wife who doesn’t know about it but eventually does find out and has to come to terms with it and in this case her terms were that she loved him enough and didn’t want to lose his companionship so she agreed to allow him to have extramarital flings, however, I doubt she would agree to the terms if she knew actual LOVE was involved). Number two, men who fool around on their wives (you only get to hear the absolute most negative aspects of the wife because if he described all those things he likes about her it would make him feel guilt and he wouldn’t be able to carry on the task of the sex with another woman) are usually men who love their wives quite deeply but just want some variety or spice because that is a male charachteristic (unfortunately) for many males of the older generation. Let me guess. This man is quite a bit your senior right? Why are you trying to get your meat hooks in another woman’s husband instead of finding a single man to fall in love with and make a single man your own? After all, that is what this woman did. That is the honest way to go about things. What you are doing is coveting. You do unto others as you would have done unto you my dear and if this man cheated on his wife and soul mate what makes you so different he wouldn’t cheat on you? Do you really think you are that special? Do you have some super spectacular yoga or acrobatic move you do in bed that only you out of all the women in the world can perform that makes you the best catch in the entire world. Are you the most attractive woman on the planet. Do you have an inheritence coming that is larger than Bill Gates estate? What is it about you that makes you so much better than his wife other than the fact that you are just a DIFFERENT PIECE OF ASS that gives him the VARIETY HE IS LOOKING FOR and an EAR that will listen and fan the flame when he gets pissed off at the wife and wants to rant and rave about all her bad qualities (you love that don’t you and of course you are his personal cheer leader when he starts in on that bull shit). Those two things right there make up the whole of your relationship. He and his wife have much, oh my God so much more than that they share together in common and that is why he married her and that is why he chooses to stay with her don’t you get it?
In other words, he is never going to leave his wife. Have we not heard this story before?? Sweetie, he is having sex with you because he can. Although his wife says he can stray sexually, I doubt she knows about you. Very likely she would rescind her agreement with him if she knew what were going on in the bedroom. Wake up, send this man back to his wife and find a man of your own…
I liked what you said Liam about the married man opening her up sexually. Her being able to release alot of those numb and nervous energies. Me being a 41 year old man has thought alot about exploring my sexuality but is afraid. Wanting to feel something more deep and passionate. It has been hard to find someone who would match up what I am looking for. Plus with our society today it would be considered taboo and strange. It was good to hear you write about it in a positive way. That makes me feel that their is hope for me to be able to explore that side of me one day. Thank you, Roy
A profound answer. You gave her the straight up truth while floating her safely on to a cloud of hope – hope within herself. I believe we should never rely completely on anyone else for our happiness. And enjoy today, because it’s all we really have. Rejoice in the ability to feel such depths. Nicely done.
LJ Innes
Unfortunately I think I am the wife in this situation.
Thank you Liam:) Being in the moment is beautiful!
Namaste Ivy oxox