Nikki asks:
I read the answer you wrote to Sonja, and you made a comment at the end of the letter that said… When you meet the right one, he will knock you reeling at first glance. Well, that’s my problem, Liam.
I have a list of attributes that I want in a man. You know the things I desire for my divine mate to have. I thought the universe (God) finally gave me something back. This man was everything that I asked for and then some. He showed me chivalry, he made me feel beautiful inside/outside, and he was more than a lover – he was a friend. The attraction I had for him, I can’t explain. The only thing that he was lacking was the height and the finances that I desired him to have. That didn’t even bother me, and coming from me, that’s saying a lot.
We spent a lot of time together, cuddling on the couch or just having a long conversation about our past hurts and pains. He’s been through a lot when it comes to bad relationships, and it came out that it’s hard for him to trust! My time with him soon came to an end when he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he cared about me and didn’t want to lose me – could we still be friends at least? I can’t be just his friend, so I walked out, and we haven’t spoken since. I really miss him.
That really threw me for a loop, because he told me when we first met he was ready for a relationship – now all of a sudden he’s not. You’re right, when I first met him, I was knocked reeling off my feet. What happened to us? Was it something I did? Should I just step back? I could have fallen in love with this man.
Liam’s Response:
Hello, Nikki, and thank you. I’m afraid you misinterpreted what I meant by “being sent reeling.” I was in no way insinuating people are paired by divine mandate or that there is “one” right match for everyone. I was merely trying to illustrate the sudden chemical and biological shock of two people connecting on a visceral level. As I always warn, “true love” is a monster of devious proportion. It will rip out your guts and leave you stunned. But in spite of all that drama, it is still quite explainable and natural.
In your case, it appears there was trouble from the get go. You, Nikki, are one of those who deems herself entitled. You brought all the New Age drivel you’ve ever read into this situation full force; making lists, petitioning any passing spirit in the clouds with demands to bring you exactly what you want, right down to height and hat size. Real, deep, lasting connections have nothing to do with what you “want.” In fact, very often we fall for someone who doesn’t fit our conscious mind’s criteria at all.
You decided you were ready to find that promised “soul mate,” and this guy fit the bill enough to allow you to give your imagination free reign to conjure all sorts of emotional responses. That doesn’t mean you didn’t really like him. He was quite fond of you, since early on you fit a lot of points on his own list. So who really cares if it wasn’t “true love?” True love is disruptive and chaotic. Many people get along quite well without it. You two probably would have as well. However, there was a major issue on your fellow’s part. I sense that he wasn’t highly attracted to you on a sexual level and that fact kept bothering him. You seemed more like a good friend. As your feelings for him grew, what he felt for you grew cold.
Now maybe it’s time to make another list. Not a list of requirements for others to meet, but an honest inventory of your own desires. Do you even have desires anymore? Real ones? Or do you just want some guy with a fat checking account to treat you like a queen and write you poetry? If so, then join the line. It’s a long one.
If you’d rather feel some real heat in your life, then open yourself to your own inner nature. Start keeping a journal of nothing but feelings. Not goals. Not dreams. Just the real, raw emotions of your daily life. Train your senses with input pursuits like long walks in some fresh air, building clay ovens for no reason and going to jazz clubs. Get rid of all the other “lists” in your life – even grocery lists. Try shopping at midnight, and fill your cart with whatever strikes your fancy at that moment. Every day, look in the mirror and smile. When it doesn’t feel faked, you’re making progress. .
Liam
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7 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: True Love and Your Expectations”
How I wished that Liam would not be so true in what he said (to me) YES – Love really rips out your guts – ! so true!
@ Kathy…I grew attached to 4 kittens that my cat gave birth to. As they were getting older I complained that it was to much work cleaning after them and my apartment smelled liked cats…but having them around overall brought me so much joy, pleasure, and happiness. When I let 3 of the kittens go , I felt so sad and my joy, pleasure, and happiness had deminished drastically. Although it was a lot of work to keep up with them, I would rather have the feelings I experienced when they were there because it had drastically lowered anxiety disorder [panic attacks] and depression. In other words your feelings matter more than what you think you want or desire.
I have been told many times during my life to make a list of what I want in a man. I guess the people telling me this need to be more specific. Most of my list, these days (as compared with high school days), consists of virtues, but I would also like someone who is musical on some level, enjoys camping, etc. Do I leave the mundane out, knowing that the spiritual is more important? — “Training my senses” with “input” pursuits, I don’t get. Can you (or someone) explain that a little more? That is one thing counselors have commented on: my journals are filled with the days activities, but emotions are rarely to be found. I don’t know. How does one “feel” about/while doing dishes, or laundry. My days are just rather bland. Even walks. They just are. How do you connect with boredom? or “non” emotional states?
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Wow……The was brutally honest and beautifully executed. Thank you for the “no fluff”, Liam. 🙂
Hello Liam,
Reading this article brought up a lot of emotions for me and a couple questions that I have been exploring for the past 7 years. Maybe you can help me? I had the fireworks go off the first time I layed eyes on my husband. We were married 25 years. I gave him my soul. Then I found his child phornography. This rocked me, shattered me to my very core. My questions are: why in the wrold would I have chosen this life for myself? If I chose it, there must have been a lesson to be learned, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what the lesson could possibly be. I can’t see what could be learned from hurting children. I turned him in the next day and moved far, far away. Left every thing I owned behind. Been tormented by this ever since. What is wrong with me that I gave myself so fully to a creature like this? Is there something wrong with me? Something else that bothers me is, I always felt we had spent many lifetimes together and would spend many more. Now, I pray I never have to see him again. Will I? Thank you for your much needed insight! Eunice
Liam, I find your direct, no BS approach to love and sex honest and refreshing. I’ve found several nuggets of wisdom in your responses. It is such a relief to see this topic dealt with in a real way. I’m so sick of the gooey, pop culture crap that pass for advice in this area. Keep up the good work.