Sex Q&A: Wife, Mistress or Skank?

Can you break through the labels that men put on you like wife, mistress or skank? It’s time to figure out who you are instead of filling a role. Psychic Liam speaks to how we allow society dictate to us.

Cheryl from St. Paul, Minnesota asks:

Hi, Liam. I find myself in a quandary after reading your response to Lucinda from February 5, 2012. You said, “Three is a good number for most men his age: a wife, a mistress and a skanky youngster to spend money on.” Over the course the past two years, I have become all three of these women. Quite the revelation. Now what I need to know is: Is this niche I have carved out for myself how it is to be for me? I seem to long for a relationship that is none of these things—a spiritual connection with another person. I don’t think I will find what I seek being the wife, the mistress or the skank. I would love to kick ’em all to the curb and continue on the path of exploration that I feel will take me to the relationship I long for. Or you could simply tell me to quit dreaming. What is my true calling?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Cheryl. If I understand your inquiry, you’re concerned because you’ve been typecast into various roles by the men in your life, leaving you with the sneaking suspicion that no man has ever attempted to see the “real” you. My answer will lead us once again into the enigma that is our limited human perception and the projections that govern how we relate to the people in our lives. Perception is always marred by prejudice. What we assume about the inner workings of our neighbor is generally quite inaccurate. We use roles, patterns and behavioral profiling to understand what other folks are about, but our meager efforts are foiled by the simple fact that no human being is ever a singular “self” that will fit neatly into the little box we build for them. We are all composites of many fluidic selves. We are all more flow than form.

Now, all this relates to your situation because men as a gender are extremely rigid in their assumptions about women. And once you’ve been typecast by a guy, he’s rarely able to change his mind about you. As early as his very first meeting with you, a man will be stuffing you into a certain category… a category that has to do with sex. Very often a woman will find herself cast in a role she’d rather not play with no idea how she got there. Everything depends on how a man sees you in the very early stages of your relationship. If your early interactions are highly sexual but mysterious, you might become the “mistress” in his mind. Show up to that first date looking like Sarah Palin, all Soccer Mom cute, and odds are you’ll be courted long-term, provided the man is looking long-term. If he isn’t, he just won’t call you back at all. Meet up with him wearing denim shorts, with greasy hair, having a neurotic gin-soaked meltdown, and you’re well on your way to “skank-dom.” It’s all very interesting and very predictable. Men are resistant to change for some very good reasons. Without that early adaptation, nobody would have decided it might be a good idea to build sturdy shelters and stay near the rich hunting grounds rather than just moving every time the rain fell. But it goes deeper than that; our very survival depends on a certain stasis of physical systems.

I can’t tell you how to alter thousands of years of ingrained social instinct and ritual. What I can suggest are a few things that might help you break certain cycles within yourself. First off, start noticing how many times you look at others and make instant assumptions about them based on external factors. After you’ve known someone for a time, make an attempt to see other aspects of who they are. If you take the time and make the effort, I guarantee you’ll be shocked how many jerks turn out to be big into volunteer work or keep six kittens adopted from the local shelter at home. By the same token, we all know the paragon of social virtue who ends up on the front page for embezzlement, child molestation or serial killing.

The fact is you can’t escape the labels, Cheryl. They’re ubiquitous and omnipresent. Society as a whole couldn’t function without them. What you can do is try to get to know and understand another person as a person. It’s called making friends and friendship rarely fails. It’s a lot slower going than most people want in this day and age. Pity, that. Romance is supposed to be a beautiful, slow-savored ritual. If you plunge through the underbrush hunting down that boyfriend, instead of getting to know the person that boyfriend is, you destroy that vibration. And as a result, the boyfriend never gets to know you either. By taking things slow, you not only force a man to respect you, but allow him to flow with you on other levels. Oh, he’ll still typecast you; there’s no getting around that. But if he thinks of you as a friend, he’ll be more open to the variations in your personality. As for your true calling, no one outside yourself could know that. And don’t ever give anyone the right to determine it for you. That’s your decision, because this is all your show.

Liam

Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.

Exclusive offer: New customers can speak to a psychic for ONLY $1 per minute. Select your psychic advisor here.