Sex Q&A: Women, Get on Top!

If your man wants to be on top all the time without other sexual positions on the table, it’s time for you to take the reigns and lead. Women should not be sexually oppressed.

Women, Take the Initiative!

Maria from Newburgh, New York asks:

My husband is a gifted and giving lover. However, he hasn’t let me be on top during intercourse. I like that position and am wondering why. Should I take the initiative and ask him to let me?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Maria. First and foremost, I must take issue with your proclamation that your spouse is either gifted or giving. Any man who declines a natural, instinctive sexual position can only be limited in potential overall in terms of sexual skill and ability. The fact that you are hesitant to even approach him about the issue further illustrates the problematic nature of this relationship. Now, it’s not my intention to make you feel badly. Indeed, I’m really glad you wrote because, whether you know it or not, your query strikes a heavy chord, touching on many deep toxic problems that plague the relationship between men and women. It has been said that human beings are a microcosm of the universe; contained vessels playing out internal patterns which can be seen magnified on the world stage. Your situation might seem trivial to some, but it clearly illustrates this occult adage.

For me your inquiry brings to mind the age-old story of Lilith. There are many stories of the Dark Lady, some better known than others… But as best we know, Lilith began her winding journey as the Sumero-Babylonian Goddess Belit-ili. She appears in various contexts and forms throughout ancient history, but is perhaps best known for being cast in the role of Adam’s first wife in Semitic myth. Unlike Eve, Lilith was supposedly created out of dust at the same time as Adam and was thus equal to him in all ways. Or at least she felt she was. Adam apparently saw things differently. When it came time to make love, Adam insisted that Lilith take the submissive position and lay underneath him. Lilith took exception to this and ran away from Adam, fleeing into hiding near the Red Sea where she took up with a succession of hot and saucy demon lovers, who, we can assume, were only too happy to let her be on top all she wanted.

Now, this tale has many versions, and the high scholarly debates as to what it all really means still rage in circles concerned with such things to this day. Suffice to say, it is a parable that illustrates the need of a patriarchal culture that was becoming all the rage to dominate female sexuality, controlling both their pleasure and reproductive systems. In myth, Lilith became a demon herself over time, preying on men, eating babies, and generally behaving in exactly the sort of nasty ways the patriarchal fathers wanted people to think women would if they rebelled against their rules and regulations. People fear female sexuality. We fear female dominance. We fear it, because deep down we know that no greater power exists in all of our reality than the divine Shakti… The female active principal. In some Eastern cultures, this energy is still known and venerated. In the sacred sexual rituals of Hindu Tantra, the position of divine intercourse is depicted as woman on top of man in the female dominant position, elevated to her rightful queenly state. Sometimes she is seated face to face with her lover, but always she is upright, equal to him in every way.

So what does all this have to do with you, Maria? Pretty much everything. You are a woman. You represent the Shakti; the energetic principal in all of creation. To be relegated to a male dominant sexual position every time you make love with this man is symbolic on so many levels. It subjugates and humiliates your very essence. Now, I will emphasize that there is no such thing as “normal” or “abnormal” in a sexual relationship so long as both partners are getting what they want and need. Every sexual position has its place and purpose… But make no mistake; the denial of a certain position speaks volumes as to someone’s predispositions and mindset. Sex is always a metaphor for the overall thoughts, beliefs and prejudices of an individual, not to mention a direct parallel for any relationship. Your man shies from female dominant positions because he fears women. A lot of that could be a cultural bias more than a genuine personal one but what’s really troubling to me is the fact that your needs and feelings seem to be of no consequence at all. You feel compelled to ask me if it’s even okay to speak to him about it. In denying you something you really enjoy, this man is disregarding you as an equal partner and participant in your own sex life. My advice is to go out and seek some sort of spiritual counseling focused on female empowerment. Start healing the wounds this relationship has inflicted on your subconscious and while you’re doing it refrain from having sex with this man again. You will need to be honest as to why you are bringing that aspect of your relationship to a halt and perhaps that might open up a dialogue between the two of you that is desperately needed… However, don’t get your hopes up. I’m not confident there’s much you’ll be able to do to change this man’s thinking. It’s too deeply ingrained. All you can do is work on you. And that’s the most important thing.

Liam

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