Sex Q&A: Trans-Curious Boyfriend

Mary Wrote:

Hi Liam,

My boyfriend has taken to looking at transsexual sex videos a lot lately. Does this mean he’s suddenly gay and we’re over? I’m devastated. I love him and love how we feel when we are together and I can’t believe that he likes that! What does this mean? Help!

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Mary. Sexuality is a very complex and abstract conglomerate of emotions, intrigues, fears, frustrations and ecstasies. When our dominant left brains attempt to apply rationale meaning to such an irrational subject, we tend to forget that not everything in the scope of experience is easily defined. Fantasies that awaken our desire and provoke our fancies often have little to do with concrete orientations or types. It is the stuff of dreams and magic, myth and spirit.

By definition, your boyfriend is not gay or even bisexual, at least not in our modern way of understanding the concept. What I see when I look into his energy is that when he fantasizes about those mysterious and courageous figures of the transvestite world, he is actually gravitating toward a sacred sexual archetype which in antiquity was highly revered. One that in modern culture is now incredibly feared and misunderstood.

The notion of sexual blurring of gender is a very powerful one, going the very core of our spiritual selves. For it invokes the understanding that all beings are essentially a mesh of the two sexes, and the transvestite is a being who ritually, sometimes in sexual form, enacts the sacred drama of invoking his/her inner “other” for outward manifestation.

Your lover’s hidden lust for transvestites is a complex issue, and a powerful one, but it need not be something which causes you any concern. I will say this, though, tread carefully here. I sense you are very threatened by his indulgence in what is deemed forbidden fruits, and you are creating conflict where conflict need not be. Most people have delicate and forbidden desires that would not be generally understood or accepted by the bastions of social perception. All of it is very normal.

In fact, you actually have a golden opportunity here, for now you know your lover’s secret passion and with that knowledge comes great power. Be gentle and understanding, and never judgmental. Ask him what he likes about this aspect of his sexually and what he dislikes about it. Ask him what he imagines in his fantasies and encourage him to be free with you. There are so many interesting ways for a woman to use a man’s deepest fantasies to bond with him, fulfilling his needs in ways no one else ever could. Sadly, most women never see this gift and never gain the kind of trust needed to be allowed the kind of glimpse within their lover that you are getting.

So open your mind and your heart, show an interest in his interest; it might not be to your taste, but the only important thing is that you accept your boyfriend, and strive to understand him. With a little creativity, a little freedom of form, you might really surprise yourself with some of what ‘you’ find appealing. He’s a good man and I can see how fond he is of you. But he is going to be true to his own sexual needs and fantasies. To ask him to do otherwise would lead to destruction. So go with it, and see where it all leads.

Liam