Battle Bedroom Boredom

The fact that couples have to work at maintaining their sexual bond is rarely mentioned. The simple truth is, like most things that are worth having, a saucy sex life doesn’t magically maintain itself. Chemically, lust turns to a deeper bond over time, and if couples want to keep it sizzling between the sheets, they’ve got to be willing to put in the effort.

Sound daunting? It doesn’t have to be – it can be fun to keep the fires burning. No matter what stage of a relationship you’re in, you can have a steamy and satisfying sex life. Here are four steps to getting back in the sex game after a period of boredom in the bedroom.

Assess the situation
Before you can hop – ahem – back in the proverbial saddle, it’s essential to take a good look at what, exactly, has changed or gone wrong. Oftentimes the very exhaustion of day to day life is the biggest contributor to a waning libido. But if you or your mate just aren’t into the idea of getting it on… like practically ever, it’s a good idea to have a check up. Visit your doctor and let them know your libido is lagging and you’d just like to make sure all your hormone levels, etc., are in order. While it’s possible – likely even – that nothing is wrong, if the problem is physical, there will be no way to overcome it without treatment. That being the situation, all endeavors made to put the spice back in your sex life will be for naught… a very frustrating, even debilitating situation. So, first things first, make sure the machinery is up to the task at hand (and mouth and whatever else)!

If lagging libido isn’t the issue, what is it? Boredom? A rut? Conflicting schedules? Depression? You’ve got to know what you’re trying to overcome in order to get back in touch with yourself or your partner.

Face it
It may sound tedious, or strangely businesslike, but once you know what the issue is – be it physical, mental, emotional, stress-related or simply lack of effort, it’s time to make a concrete plan for tackling it. Whether it’s starting therapy (together or individually), taking time to fantasize (together and individually), buying some sexy lingerie, toys or DVDs, or hiring a babysitter and setting a few nights aside for regular sex dates (or other solution tactics), you need to map out where you want to get and how you intend to get there. Need some inspiration? Go back to the beginning of your relationship when the sex was fast and furious and take note of the feelings and experiences that stuck with you as satisfying – or electrifying! While you’ll never be able to literally start back at square one, you can certainly rekindle some of that passion, using the old days as inspiration for some new ones.

Commitment
No remedy works if you don’t stick to it. And so, if you and your mate want to get back in the sex game, you’ll both have to commit to the plan you set 100%, of course making room for amendments along the way. It isn’t always going to be easy and there will be times when you may feel like throwing in the towel, but complacency doesn’t a satisfying sex life make! Put in the effort and you will reap the rewards… even if it takes a while for the tides to begin turning.

Most couples report that while there is a period of getting used to sex dates and the like. Eventually, the commitment leads them back into the swing of things – and they’re glad they put in the effort! And in the meantime, while you’re working on matters in the bedroom, commit to reconnecting out of the bedroom as well. Take a class together (dancing, cooking, a foreign language… tantra!), and you may find yourselves getting to know each other again and in a new way. Spending time together with a shared purpose deepens your bond and knowledge of each other – both of which will go a long way in the sex department!

Dare to do different
Lastly, no matter what issues you’re facing in the bedroom, the only way to break out of a rut is to expand your experience. No matter how long you’ve been together or what kinds of sexual activities you’ve enjoyed in the past, now is the time to dig deep and share fully. Early on, sex is practically with a stranger, but now that you know each other, you should feel comfortable sharing more of yourself and your innermost fantasies. Revel in that comfort and let it allow you to explore together. Not everything you talk about or try may work (or even be worth trying), but simply daring to be adventurous (even verbally) will get the blood flowing – and have lasting effects.

And finally, remember to be patient with each other. The sexual doldrums didn’t settle in over night and the solution won’t happen in an instant either. Provided you’re both committed and participatory however, you can turn up the heat and sustain it for the long haul.